Moved on, not forgotten

So today I realised that I’m not as okay about my last break up as I thought I was, I guess. In my head I can validate so clearly why I had to break up with my last girlfriend. To put a long story short:

Our first date we spent around 5 hours in a coffee shop, chatted as people came and left. Ended because the store closed. I know more about her than anyone else, we’re so alike in so many ways, I found out we’re really different in so many others later on. The relationship lasted around 4 months, I practically lived with her the whole time. Her flatmates and friends became mine, they still are actually.

She was so loving and caring, thoughtful and sweet the majority of the time. Yet so emotionally cut off with others. Over the entire relationship she essentially hidden me from her ex that she was still in contact with, she’d hide her phone from me when she’d get messages, still had pictures of him up. There was even a time that she was flicking through old pictures and showing me them on her laptop and 90% of them had him in, including a naked one. So….you probably get the idea.

I was probably too nice, but my first serious relationship had ended because she cheated on me. I found out that she was essentially lying about me to this ex, for reasons I still don’t understand. I suck at breaking up with people, but I just couldn’t deal with it. I confronted her and she just didn’t understand how much she was hurting me. Even when her best friend was the one comforting me about it all, to this day I don’t understand, I never will.

She constantly tried to speak to me, text me, facebook message, skype me for a week after the breakup, I decided to just essentially remove her from my life because it was still fresh. We were never friends to begin with, I don’t respect her after how she treated me. I moved on. We haven’t spoken for months, I essentially blocked her from my life after saying my civil goodbyes.

Anyway, that short version got long, god I suck at this. At least you have a vague perspective now!

I went to grab my card to pay for coffee today, and I found about 10 passport photo size prints of her. She had given me them as a surprise gift because I mentioned I thought it was cute to have girlfriend’s pictures in your wallet. She was thoughtful like that. It really knocked me on my arse, I had no idea they were in there. I’ve put them away in a “gifts from exes” box that I keep for memories, won’t see it again anytime soon.

Just got me wondering how we define being “over” someone. I think I’ll always feel the same way I did about her, and even writing this I feel so upset that she didn’t want from me what I craved from her.

Trust is like a mirror. Once you’ve broken it, it’ll never truly

be the same again.

I’ve moved on, but I won’t forget her.

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4 thoughts on “Moved on, not forgotten

  1. I don’t think there’s such a thing as “getting over someone.” Most of the time it’s just getting better or being okay. If you truly cared for someone, I don’t believe you ever stop caring for them. It’s the sad realty that I’ve been living in for almost 6 months. I commend you for being able to keep all of those memories. I threw them out. Every. Single. Thing. Pictures, maps from vacations, t-shirts that smelled like him. The only thing I haven’t thrown away yet is the jewelry he bought me. I’ll probably sell it because I can’t think of wasting jewelry. Breakups are tough, friend. Especially when cheating comes into play. There’s no words to even understand what you’re going through. I don’t even wish the pain I felt on my worst enemy. Just remember, you will trust again. There are many girls who WON’T do that to you. And the only way to find out is to keep loving, just like you’re doing. Keep your head up!

    • I think I keep these things to remind myself that there were good parts of the relationship, a lot of them actually. Even if it didn’t turn out how I expected. I still have a hoodie that smells of her and I’ve never worn it since, even after washing it! I might actually throw it away..
      It’ll take me a while to put my guard down with someone new after my last relationships I guess, but there’s plenty of time for so many new things in my life!
      Thanks for reading that, was hesitant to even post it tbh. You’ve made me feel much better about sharing 🙂

  2. Sucks dude. I acted similar to Lara. I got rid of nearly every Goddamn thing from my ex. There are some emails and pictures left over, but I don’t look at them because there’s no point tearing open those wounds again. One day, maybe. I’ve also wondered what exactly being “over” someone actually means. Nobody ever seems to define it. I guess it’s that point where you don’t want to be with the other person, but it still doesn’t mean that you don’t care anymore. Fuck breakups. They’re a waste of energy.

    • Yeah they’re a waste of energy alright, but for me at least it’s totally unavoidable. I have a habit of putting so much into relationships that when they break down I’m just absolutely drained.
      I tend to avoid the old stuff from my exes, there’s a certain point..sometimes years on where I can turn around and look back with a positive fondness, and no real negative feelings. That takes so long for me at least..though.

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