So I realised that I haven’t posted today, or yesterday. Or whatever, I sort of lost track of days and what’s going on.

I guess I just had nada to say, now it’s gone 1 o clock and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time. So I better share them, eh? That was why I started this blog in the first place.

My older brother has been visiting, I haven’t seen him in over a year. It’s not weird at all, we hang out, we talk about football, or films, or tv. That’s pretty much how it goes, I have a lot of negative feelings towards him. Over the last year we’ve spoken on the phone once, it’s very strange. He’s very distant. I’ll tell the story another time I guess. But I’m a lot closer to my younger brother, as much as I love them both. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long story. I’ll get to it some time.

I spent longer than I’d have expected to at the council offices today. It was my whole signing on day so I get money for being a jobless fucker (Still waiting to hear from my latest interview, they’ll call me Monday. They said that last Monday too. Awful)  The woman that sees me really gets along with me, we just spent about 10 minutes chatting about her son, and allsorts. It’s nice to make essentially a stranger smile. A rewarding feeling to feel like you’ve left a mark on someone’s day with no negative impact on your day.

I actually spent 10-15 minutes waiting in an unusually busy council office. It’s normally empty, there was an elderly lady with her grandson that was 4 as well as a couple with a baby. I felt really old, and totally self reflective on what I want in the near future. This little guy was called Tyler, and I think I must have just given him a huge grin as I sat down or something, this 4 year old kid in a Superman jumper just plonked himself down next to me out of nowhere. He shows me his Nintendo DS and asks me if I want to play, I humour him and joke about the size of the Gameboy I used to have. He was such a cool little kid, I forgot how simple and easily entertained kids can be. He just had the biggest grin and he’d giggle at little jokes. I think his grandma was just happy that someone could entertain him haha.

Made me reflect on what I want in the future, how I will make a great dad. I have absolutely no doubt. Then I laugh at how dumb I can be to even think of that when I’m as lonely as I feel like I’ve ever been right now relationship-wise. Even something as little as an ignored text tonight has really got me down. But for all I know it’s just me overthinking, I’m a bit good at that. Ugh, my brain is awful. Stop, please.

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I get distracted easily.

I really do get distracted easily, I guess I can’t get my head in a good place lately. Everything is a maybe or hopefully, or it feels like it.

I shut myself off when I feel down, or just unwell. I stayed in bed today until 3 just feeling utterly down and depressed. For once I want things to line up and go the way I want. Actually no, the way I deserve. I’ve even shut myself off from venting here, which is just illogical. God, I suck.

I know that this sounds selfish, but I’m serious. I want the girl, I want the job, I want the happiness. I don’t want the money problems. I don’t want the health problems. I want things to start falling into place. I’m tired of the world shitting on me and giving me a challenge daily. Some have it harder, a lot have it easier than me. One thing’s for sure: I’m sick of how 21 years of my life have turned out.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a job that I want. You know what? I’m going to get it.

Online Dating update

I realised that a lot of people seemed fairly interested in seeing a single guy’s view of attempting online dating so I figure I should give another update. It really isn’t something that I’ve fully committed to lately. I mean, I’ve made it fairly clear lately that there’s someone that I’m on the fringe of a relationship with, I’m really happy with that and how it could go. Time will tell eh?

In terms of OkCupid, over the course of..I’m not sure how long it has been actually. I’ve met plenty of nice people: some Americans that somehow stumbled across me or vice versa, I realised that I really do have a type as well (I could spend an entire post on this, maybe I will some time), I met a few girls that seemed interested but I never had enough of a connection to want to pursue anything and then a few girls that were interested in me, fairly direct but either timing didn’t fit, they lived too far away or things just didn’t seem to fit or click enough for me to pursue them I guess.

It probably makes me sound like either a coward or a perfectionist, I’m probably a bit of both haha. I think if I lived in London or another city that online dating would be really accessible. I live kinda close but not close enough for my liking to London, it’s just logic that the majority of my matches are from London because of the amount of people there in comparison.

Anyway, it was an interesting experience. I’ve hardly been near the thing for a couple of weeks really. Excluding the odd message from this really nice girl that lives fairly close I guess. Unless I’m just oblivious and dumb (A reasonable possibility), we just get along fairly well and it’s nice to chat to her occasionally.

I actually decided to make this post because out of literally nowhere I got a text from a girl that I’d gotten along with really well, she’s like a lot of women I’ve been involved with: confusing as fuck, to put it simply. Really sporadic texting, I just randomly over a week ago didn’t get a reply from her after she’d suggested meeting up. I’d say she was the only person that I met through OkCupid that I’d have been interested enough to meet up with. I’ve either misread it, or she’s awful at this (whatever this is). Either way, I’m not really a fan of being picked up and dropped randomly.

I highly doubt I’ll mention it again, that’s my very small online dating adventure summed up. If I lived in London then I’m sure this would be a much better read. I think I’d already found what I was looking for and I didn’t realise, to be honest.

Online Dating thoughts

So lately I’ve been getting a little bit disheartened and lacking motivation with this. Don’t get me wrong, there are some really nice girls that I’ve got along with just fine, but I guess I’m not okay with fine. I haven’t really met someone yet that I would actually be excited to meet, if that makes sense. It did in my head. Probably just sounds like I’m being super picky and dumb.

I mean, I’m 21. I’m not going to let it bother me or try to force something for the sake of it. Focusing on myself and my own happiness is still pretty much number one focus for me.

Anyway yeah, I’ve met a lot of really lovely American girls through this site, I’ve realised that I love meeting new people and finding out about even little things they do that are different, just how someone on the other side of the world lives their life. When it comes to girls that live vaguely close to me (London included), because of where I live, nobody is immediately close to me and it puts me off meeting someone I guess.

I’m considering meeting up with a couple of girls, one is really into me, though she has a young kid which I’m still not sure what I think about. I don’t really want to put name tags to these girls, I guess I’ll avoid doing that, as much as I could think of a few witty nicknames for some of them!

I’ve spoken to another girl quite a lot, we seem to get along fine. The problem is that you just don’t know if there’s any chemistry without meeting someone, and she seems really off about meeting up. Which sucks, but her loss I guess. Not worth my effort I figure.

A couple days ago when I was pretty much losing all interest in this endeavour I got a message from this absolute stunner, to put it bluntly. We have tons in common, she loves that I play guitar, she seems really into me and pretty forward about it. It caught me off guard but I like it. The idea of my first date as a result of the whole online dating experience still feels a little daunting. If i’m travelling into London to meet someone for the day, I think I just want to be sure I won’t have a nightmare of a time and be sure I have some sort of connection before hand.

Rather than just instant messaging and small talking she just wants to Skype. I won’t hold my breath, but maybe I won’t give up on this online dating lark just yet. A girl that knows what she wants, why do I feel like that’s a rare characteristic of women that have been in my life?

Relationships, friendships and everything in between

As much as I wish this song fit my thoughts right now, it’s quite the opposite.

I’ve realised that I can actually expand on my last thinking out loud on this topic(I’m awful at being single). Both old relationships and new ones that have dynamics that I don’t want to misread, both mine and their feelings-wise. I love finding people that I have tons in common with. I would find a lot of my friends that are girls physically attractive, but obviously I never really realise or think about it, but I can acknowledge y’know?

I guess I don’t want to misjudge dynamics and ruin things, from both old and new sides. You never truly know if you’re compatible in a relationship, no matter how close you are before that. I don’t want to ruin something that already works so well in its own way. At the same time, I don’t know if I misread something new, I just can’t determine great friend or something “more” with a few people lately. I’m my own worst enemy I swear.

Thinking about this out loud just makes me think that I’m being a moron on every front. Which is totally possible.

I’m awful at being single

I’ve realised lately, I’m good at being in a relationship. Granted I’ve had really bad experiences lately in relationships, but I still miss being that close and intimate with someone more than anything else. Which is half the reason I’m so bad at being single, I think at least.

I keep second guessing myself. Do I like this girl? Why is this girl so into me? What does she actually think of me? How does she find me attractive? Am I attracted to her, or is it the intimacy that she offers?

When I put the last question like that I cringed, but I left it there. That’s kinda the biggest worry for me, I’m not the kind of person to toy with someone, but I genuinely don’t know right now if I’m at a weird point of loneliness where I’m just craving intimacy and it changes the way I think about such things.

Probably just me overthinking, I have a habit of putting a lot of thought into things that I blog about. This is definitely no exception. I’m kinda just on the fence about what or who I want right now. Things are complicated, that’s new for everyone right? heh.

The girls I dream of being with are never attainable. Complications complications complications.

Anyway, yeah. I suck at being single. I guess I need to work myself out a little.

Moved on, not forgotten

So today I realised that I’m not as okay about my last break up as I thought I was, I guess. In my head I can validate so clearly why I had to break up with my last girlfriend. To put a long story short:

Our first date we spent around 5 hours in a coffee shop, chatted as people came and left. Ended because the store closed. I know more about her than anyone else, we’re so alike in so many ways, I found out we’re really different in so many others later on. The relationship lasted around 4 months, I practically lived with her the whole time. Her flatmates and friends became mine, they still are actually.

She was so loving and caring, thoughtful and sweet the majority of the time. Yet so emotionally cut off with others. Over the entire relationship she essentially hidden me from her ex that she was still in contact with, she’d hide her phone from me when she’d get messages, still had pictures of him up. There was even a time that she was flicking through old pictures and showing me them on her laptop and 90% of them had him in, including a naked one. So….you probably get the idea.

I was probably too nice, but my first serious relationship had ended because she cheated on me. I found out that she was essentially lying about me to this ex, for reasons I still don’t understand. I suck at breaking up with people, but I just couldn’t deal with it. I confronted her and she just didn’t understand how much she was hurting me. Even when her best friend was the one comforting me about it all, to this day I don’t understand, I never will.

She constantly tried to speak to me, text me, facebook message, skype me for a week after the breakup, I decided to just essentially remove her from my life because it was still fresh. We were never friends to begin with, I don’t respect her after how she treated me. I moved on. We haven’t spoken for months, I essentially blocked her from my life after saying my civil goodbyes.

Anyway, that short version got long, god I suck at this. At least you have a vague perspective now!

I went to grab my card to pay for coffee today, and I found about 10 passport photo size prints of her. She had given me them as a surprise gift because I mentioned I thought it was cute to have girlfriend’s pictures in your wallet. She was thoughtful like that. It really knocked me on my arse, I had no idea they were in there. I’ve put them away in a “gifts from exes” box that I keep for memories, won’t see it again anytime soon.

Just got me wondering how we define being “over” someone. I think I’ll always feel the same way I did about her, and even writing this I feel so upset that she didn’t want from me what I craved from her.

Trust is like a mirror. Once you’ve broken it, it’ll never truly

be the same again.

I’ve moved on, but I won’t forget her.