Late Night Melancholy Contemplation

I’m often reminded why my blog is titled as it is, tonight is fitting.

I must have fallen asleep while I was watching whatever crap film I had on, fully clothed at around 10. I woke up at maybe half past 2 feeling empty, alone and upset. I think I was dreaming of Emily. I don’t really remember dreams these days, but I just woke up with such strong negative feelings with her on my mind. I just know I saw her with someone else. I was almost in tears.

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately too, a positive one. That’s for sure. This has kinda knocked me on my arse. I guess I’ve avoided how bad it feels to seemingly lose someone that’s really important to me completely from my life. It hurts. I feel really lonely tonight, just…empty? I guess.

I’ve never lost someone that I’ve been so close to in this way.

I should finish this tea and sleep, late night thoughts eat away at me.

Melancholy Contemplation

I think this is the first time that I’ve felt my blog title fits a lot of my ramblings.

I was walking through my small town and I guess I can tell how weird a place I’m in right now based on my thoughts that I’ll share.

I was looking at people pass by me and just thinking to myself – these people are nothing to me, they’re nothing to each other. They only have any meaning to a small amount of people, they probably mean very little to a lot of people that know them. They’ve never made a dent in this ocean of a world that we’re stuck on.

I just find it very daunting to accept that I’ll never make an impact in a global sense. Microscopic chance. That sounds egotistical, but everyone wants that one way or another. They want to feel important. I crave the feeling of worth right now, in any way. Be it to people around me or the chance to impact someone else in a positive way.

Over the last year I make it a habit to spend 5 or 10 minutes of my time to just chat to someone that’s homeless, roll them a few cigarettes and give them any change I have handy. I like to feel that even if it’s just a passing “This Buddy Holly looking fucker has just made my day”, or that giving him my lunch, change and a few fags has left a short term positive for them.

Look, I don’t know. Some people use that change to aid drug or alcohol problems, I’m not an idiot. But people forget that homeless people on the streets are humans that are so commonly looked through and ignored. I can’t deal with that, even if it’s the tiniest thing. At least I can make a small contribution to helping the world, it’s all I have. I’d hope better of everyone in that scenario, but it’s too easy to disconnect ourselves from that in society.

I think in a lot of ways I’ve realised that I hate this world in so many ways. I hate how a lot of people are and how society accepts them when others that arguably deserve more aren’t even given our simple respect or 5 little minutes of our life to be regarded how they should be.

For every winner, there has to be a loser

I actually wrote this offline on my laptop on the journey home so that I wasn’t left alone with my thoughts. Wow, I really bring my laptop everywhere and I need to get this out at least. This got really long too, but I needed just to get it out of my system one way or another.

For every winner, there has to be a loser, you could say that in this scenario though, nobody is a winner. There definitely isn’t a winner. I still remain the loser though. My Saturday was the day that my visit took that selfish victory that I’d been feeling away from me though, I’ll get to that after I put the timeline of events together. For just over three days, we were together.

I’m going to name this special girl Emily just for writing purposes, I picked a random name, I figure it saves a little confusion with “she” comments all the time. Emily and I had the embrace that I expected at the station, it was perfect. Never mind how nervous we both were for that moment. It had been coming all summer.

We both confessed a day later that we had been nervous about our chemistry, whether or not the transition from friends to much more than that would be a problem. It wasn’t, at all. In my eyes at least,( I think and hope that she feels the same as me) we fit as well as we always expected to. As a lover, as a companion, as a complete package y’know? It sort of just fit, I guess. I mean, maybe that’s premature to say something like that. But it felt worlds apart from something that I’ve felt in another relationship. Or even just the way that I just feel about another person. I was completely falling head over heels for her.

Saturday rolls around, we drink at one of my best mate’s 21st birthday parties at his place, then all jump In a taxi as a group to go to the local clubs. We’re all real drunk, no exceptions to that one. I’m a total lightweight generally, so I know my limits and stick to them. Anyway, the night goes on. I lose my phone while we mess around dancing like idiots on a dance floor, I didn’t let it bother me. Shit happens, I don’t like to let things that I can’t control any more bother me. Waste of energy (I reclaimed my phone the next day from the club). Emily wanted to help me find it at least and had a little wander / look around.

I bumped into a flatmate from my first year of Uni in the same club’s smoking area, she got talking (I didn’t get a word in, she was so drunk) and she’s not my favourite person but I politely humoured her. I catch up with my group as I see them pass me and make some shitty comment about losing my friends. Surprised me but Emily was really pissed at me about what’d just happened. She put it along the lines of “Do you realise you’ve just been talking to this really attractive girl for the last 10 minutes and I passed you twice?” I explained that it was harmless and so on. It was essentially just the drink talking and exploding jealousy I guess. She didn’t actually remember it the following day.

What was blurted out next came down to the drink letting her speak the truth I guess and it just got on top of her. She didn’t want to hurt me. She’s so sorry, but it’s too soon for her. She’s right too. It’s the right time for me, it isn’t for her. I figure I was being selfish but things had seemed so perfect that this thought had just evaporated in my head. I put on a brave face, I comforted, I told her that I understood, I put her in a taxi home and made sure she had the fare for it and that was that. I was up all night with a mate of mine that I crashed at; obviously all of my stuff was over at Emily’s place.

This lad knows me well enough to know I just needed a shoulder to cry on essentially, we grabbed what we needed on the way back and just headed to his flat. We didn’t sleep at all, we just talked about everything and anything. We were both in an absolute mess really for one reason or another, but I won’t get into it. I shared parts of my blog with him, shared painful history and I learned more about him that night than I ever expected to. I got a couple of hours sleep at maybe 3 in the afternoon because I was still in a bit of a mess and Emily and I needed to talk. We met up, the conversation went similarly to what you’d expect I guess.

She’s just not ready, and that’s okay. I spent the last couple of days of my trip crashing at friends’ houses after I picked all of my stuff up from her place. I think I’m a bit numbed to being hurt by people down to my past, which really fucks me up. I had drinks with my closest friends before I left, had a laugh, said my goodbyes and got to my train (I had to run because I’m fucking dumb and lost track of time).

I sat down on the train and then I cried. For a good solid hour I guess. I hated that I had no music to help me out, my phone was dying and the only stuff I had was just not fitting. I hadn’t realised that I held it together until I had about 30 seconds to myself just to think. For any of my friends this is just so “Callum” to make another relationship mistake I suppose. For me..well, I just can’t take many more of these defeats. Today I’m mainly listening to Nirvana, drinking, smoking, not eating and just holing myself off from the world like I do.

Time and patience are a definite must for my future, one way or another. But the rest is pretty foggy. I’m in the sort of place where things just feel bleak and I don’t want anything, it scares me. Kurt Cobain’s anguish and mental struggles internally and with the world are resonating with me in a way that I never thought I would understand. But yeah, this blog got longer than most essays I wrote in the previous year. That’ll do.

If I don’t get any call from the ideal job that said they’d let me know today some time soon…ugh. That’s just the last thing I need, I just need a win every now and again. Without that little victory my life is just going to continue to feel out of my control entirely.

Anxiety

I really need to find ways of dealing with anxiety, I don’t know when this first started. It just comes in uncontrollable waves and takes over. It’s an awful feeling that I wish that I could get some sort of handle on. It totally wrecks my confidence, I second guess so many things, I can find a negative in the best thing just because of my own insecurities. I need to stop it, I know that I’m doing it, but it just seems so uncontrollable.

I feel like it’s another part of me that I just need to learn to live with, but lately I feel like I’m tired of having barriers. I’m almost stopping myself from being the best version of myself. I just need to realise when I’m having these anxiety / panic attacks and just find a thought that I can go to and just take a break from the negative or worrying thoughts.

It just baffles me sometimes, I’ll leave the house and 5 steps down the road I’ll panic that I’ve forgotten my house keys. Really simple example and sounds stupid, but I do it every time. I’ll have a really standard day planned and one tiny detail of it that I don’t feel in control of just gets in my head. I feel mental writing this, but it’s such a horrible feeling that I have no control over. I’m a work in progress.

My blog 1 month on

So I genuinely came into making this blog with intentions of it just being my little personal outlet, I didn’t expect a single follower. It’s kinda weird, thinking that anyone is interested in parts of my life fullstop. I mean, I’m not the most interesting person on the internet aha.

I just think it’s really interesting that anyone at all is reading my posts, people that comment in particular and chat are awesome. I love hearing from people from everywhere and anywhere new and working out similarities or differences. Supportive people are the best, I totally appreciate any positives comments.

So yeah, I guess I’m breaking my usual venting of emotions and feelings for a post just to say thanks for giving me a little unexpected positive reinforcement. It’s not the reason I write, but it’s nice to know regardless.

Hand Written Letters

Sending letters between loved ones is something that I’ve always thought of as one of the most romantic ways to show someone you care about that they’re still with you. Even if they can’t physically be with you right now.

When my parents were about my age (Early twenties) my mum moved to Turkey for almost a year to work as a nanny for a family over there. Their only points of contact were rare phonecalls and letters. Though I’ve never sent any personal letters like this (hell I haven’t sent any letters in my recent memory fullstop), I think it’s so intimate and shows so much caring for someone.

So yesterday I received a totally unexpected letter, I mean I had no idea. We’d talked about sending letters to each other and how much I’d love that, she’d actually read me a letter that she had wanted to send me. She had decided that it couldn’t really wait and the phonecall at the time was heading in a similar direction anyway so the contents came up.

It was short, sweet, simple. I feel really lucky. 

It feels like a totally new concept for me to have someone in my life that I spend so long thinking about. Times we’ve spent together, how things are now, what the future could hold. Nice things, scary things, beautiful things.

I want someone in my life that I care about, that I think about so often. I want someone that reciprocates the feelings and care that I show for them. I’m anxious and excited about what the future could hold. Though I feel really selfish right now to say it.

She’s everything I want, everything I need. I want to be that for her too. I can be, as well.

Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Acceptance

So I recently shared my “anonymous” blog with three people. One that I’d just met through OkCupid that I’ve previously mentioned, she was interested in what I blogged about, she’s maybe reading this I guess! Well hey, it’s quite nice to share such a personal insight into myself in a way, though it’s daunting and I feel that I’m probably being judged. Ah well!

I also shared it with two of my closest friends that know me so well that I don’t think anything personal I’ve shared will really bother them, I don’t worry that they’ll think any less of me, or think of me differently. One has been my friend for so long and she helped me through so much, my lowest lows. I actually realised after sharing it with her that I’ve almost taken some of my thought processes and approaches to certain parts of life from her. I can’t thank her enough for that to be honest, I remember she told me once that I pretty much became a man over the time we got to know each other to more recently. (Or words to that effect anyway)

The other friend I shared it with is actually a newer friend, I’ve never once thought of her that way because we’re so similar and we were instantly comfortable around each other in pretty much every way. It’s so rare to find someone that you just fit with, I cherish it and value it so much. Friends that I’ve trusted enough to share my inner monologue of positives and negatives spewed out onto these blog pages are friends that I hope I’m lucky enough to keep through the rest of my life.

I guess I’ve realised that this is actually a small insight into me that I’ve opened up to very few people. I’m happy that I’m not embarrassed or scared to share this with at least some people, baby steps eh.

Moved on, not forgotten

So today I realised that I’m not as okay about my last break up as I thought I was, I guess. In my head I can validate so clearly why I had to break up with my last girlfriend. To put a long story short:

Our first date we spent around 5 hours in a coffee shop, chatted as people came and left. Ended because the store closed. I know more about her than anyone else, we’re so alike in so many ways, I found out we’re really different in so many others later on. The relationship lasted around 4 months, I practically lived with her the whole time. Her flatmates and friends became mine, they still are actually.

She was so loving and caring, thoughtful and sweet the majority of the time. Yet so emotionally cut off with others. Over the entire relationship she essentially hidden me from her ex that she was still in contact with, she’d hide her phone from me when she’d get messages, still had pictures of him up. There was even a time that she was flicking through old pictures and showing me them on her laptop and 90% of them had him in, including a naked one. So….you probably get the idea.

I was probably too nice, but my first serious relationship had ended because she cheated on me. I found out that she was essentially lying about me to this ex, for reasons I still don’t understand. I suck at breaking up with people, but I just couldn’t deal with it. I confronted her and she just didn’t understand how much she was hurting me. Even when her best friend was the one comforting me about it all, to this day I don’t understand, I never will.

She constantly tried to speak to me, text me, facebook message, skype me for a week after the breakup, I decided to just essentially remove her from my life because it was still fresh. We were never friends to begin with, I don’t respect her after how she treated me. I moved on. We haven’t spoken for months, I essentially blocked her from my life after saying my civil goodbyes.

Anyway, that short version got long, god I suck at this. At least you have a vague perspective now!

I went to grab my card to pay for coffee today, and I found about 10 passport photo size prints of her. She had given me them as a surprise gift because I mentioned I thought it was cute to have girlfriend’s pictures in your wallet. She was thoughtful like that. It really knocked me on my arse, I had no idea they were in there. I’ve put them away in a “gifts from exes” box that I keep for memories, won’t see it again anytime soon.

Just got me wondering how we define being “over” someone. I think I’ll always feel the same way I did about her, and even writing this I feel so upset that she didn’t want from me what I craved from her.

Trust is like a mirror. Once you’ve broken it, it’ll never truly

be the same again.

I’ve moved on, but I won’t forget her.

Everything starts with a beginning

I’ve wanted to write a personal blog for a long time, I’ve always found an excuse of being too busy or always having something to do. I’ve realised I don’t really like sharing a lot of my thoughts with anyone, I’m not as close to anyone as I wish I was, or the people I could share thoughts with aren’t physically around me right now.

My posting will likely be sporadic, but I’ll likely use this as a little outlet for my own amusements, as well as problems or worries (which there are countless). As much as reception of something like this would be cool, I’m not sure anyone will read my blog. Though I’d reflect on it as positive  if a single person was to view my writing and either personally gain from the experience, or share their own views with me here.