I’m honestly back now. I swear this time.

So I know you’re all thinking: Who the fuck is this guy I’m following? He vanished ages ago and stopped posting. I know. I know. Fuck, I’m as mad as you. Probably a lot more mad. But i’m back. It’s all good. My laptop went full meltdown mode the second I jinxed it by saying “I’ll update with things soon providing it doesn’t explode”

This is gonna be a real ramblefest of an update of what I remember of the last month or something, so bear with me!

The big news is that I actually have a job, I’ve been in it now for about as long as I’ve been vanished for. Started around the start of February. Fucking awesome news, maybe the little break I needed. It’s only an apprenticeship, so it’s practically slave labour

(Not even overexaggerating. I get like £2.60 an hour. Which is like $4.35 according to google)

The plus sides are obviously that it’s better than nothing, I get a qualification in er..warehouse management and packing or something along those lines. But I’m actually working for an IT shop that sells to a bunch of schools, clients and also through Amazon and Ebay. As well as having an IT tech section for people to get stuff fixed. They helped me fix my little scrapheap too. They’re cool guys, I basically work with the three of them.

So I mainly just handle all of the packaging, database, logging and  invoicing malarkey. Fairly basic stuff, after the first two weeks I was doing it all alone. In my spare time I get shown the ropes of the IT technician side of it, which I think is actually the interesting bit.

So anyway, my laptop is fixed and all good. Stuff with me is moving forward, I’m real sorry I haven’t been able to update. So many thoughts and wanting to write over the last month have passed me by and so have the thoughts. I’ve also missed all of you guys that I share myself with, and those who are awesome enough to share back.

Great to be back.

 

 

What’s new? Big steps

Hi little corner of internet, how’s it going? Good weekend?

Mine was hugely uneventful, I have like no social life (not even over-exaggerating here) since moving away from University and back “home” with my family, though it’s like 7 hours away from where I was born and raised.

I realised one thing: I haven’t touched my guitar or been singing for the last couple of months. Really awful. I need to get back doing it because it puts in a miles better place, especially to hear feedback from the odd few here that drop by to listen to my recordings. So over the next few weeks i’m going to work on the first song writing in about 6 months and just get back into my stride.

I’m starting a short (10 week maximum) English class just to pick up basic qualifications that I don’t have because I was ill when I should’ve been picking these up. I’ll be following it up with Maths too and whatever else that comes up. It’s quite..no. It’s demeaning. I’m not gonna lie. When I dropped for the initial testing and introduction class there were 4 people including myself there. Everyone else was at least 10 years older than me: one woman could barely use the pc that the test was on, one guy was Polish and didn’t speak great English.

I might come across as an arse or a hypocrite to comment on them, but I’m aware that as a 22 year old man this isn’t where I seen my path leading. Anyway, it’s a positive just to slap that on my CV and move on. It might only take me a few weeks because of the level I’m at. After say 6 years since I was being taught this stuff at school, there’s a lot of odd things you don’t actually realise that you’ve forgotten. I’ll pick it up in no time. The important thing is that I work individually and the class that I share with others doesn’t limit me in even the slightest of ways.

I mean, the biggest news is something that I’m still trying to be reserved with. But to be completely honest: I’m so fucking excited/apprehensive at the same time.

I got the job interview for ICT support technician at the local school that I was so keen for.

Now, I’ve been given the chance that I’ve been so desperate for. I deserve it, I really do. This job would be a walk in the park to be completely honest. It pays well, I could easily progress by showing the drive that I know I have in me. One thing that has always appeals to me in a job is the chance to dress well daily. I look fucking good in a suit, just saying!

There’s a writing job within the League of Legends E-sports community too that I stumbled across. The deadline is tomorrow and they want a sample piece of writing that I’ve kinda struggled writing. I was going to ask for advice here about whether or not I should go for it or just focus on the other job.

Unlike the other writing work I’ve done within gaming: this actually offers pay. It’d still only be something that I spend..I don’t know. Probably all in all a max of 12 hours a week working on combined with research. What I didn’t mention is that they’re hiring for content writers within either Korean, Chinese or Taiwanese competitive gaming scenes. I actually follow the Korean scene because it’s classed as the best in the world. I just need to do A LOT of work to learn everything I need to.

So I’m gonna spend my afternoon trying to write a respectable sample article and send off an application there too. I’m sure that I could keep up with both. If I don’t get it…well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

This has gotten a little wordy, but i’m bouncing at the minute at the thought of being given a chance by this school. I really need to smash that interview come Friday. I’ll be sure to update before then anyway.

For now, hope you’re all well with whatever part of the path you find yourself on. Keep smiling.

Panic attacks and anxiety

I seem to suffer from crippling anxiety over the smallest of things. Often it’s about explaining my illness to people who I know don’t understand, it terrifies me. I feel like an absolute idiot for feeling like this, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Fear of people not understanding my illness scares me, it’s stupid and there’s no logic behind it. The problem is, I really can’t control it and can’t even catch my breath. I just want to get back into my bed and curl up and hide from things.

I still haven’t found a good way of dealing with it, frankly. Some people say to focus on one spot in your room and focus on breathing. Others deal with it in a more literal sense and just tackle these things head on. I can’t do that, I’m a coward. I’m far too good at hiding from my problems, it’s probably my biggest weakness.

Not being able to afford to visit friends makes me nervous, so does not being able to justify my illness to my job seeker’s consultant who can be a total arsehole at the best of times.

I guess this is my outlet to try to deal with it. Listening to a particular song on repeat and just getting this off my chest.

I really feel too stupid and pathetic to even tell anyone close to me that I struggle so much and have panic attacks.

Horror movies and fear of the dark

So my memory is pretty patchy at best after splitting my head open twice in my teens, yeah they were both dumb teenage things essentially.

But, I digress.

I don’t remember much of when I was young. But I was thinking back tonight about this time I watched my first horror movie, and realised the link between my kinda fear of the dark as well as the strange relationship that I have with horror movies.

I don’t remember why, but my usually packed house only had my Dad and I on that night, he drank a lot through my childhood and worked long shift hours of a laborious job, so he’d generally come back home and have a bath, listen to music in his room and drink. It was a fairly standard, accepted thing. He worked hard to put food on our table, I respect that of him.

Anyway, I ended up watching The Ring alone, I know it isn’t all that scary a movie, but when you’re maybe 10? I don’t even remember why I watched it, but I was intrigued I guess, and a little ballsy. It terrified me.

Once the movie ended I realised that the lights were off..they must have all gone off because of the old dodgy Victorian house that we had. So it was pitch black everywhere in my house and I was alone after watching this. I was totally crippled with fear after watching this movie.

I managed to make it up the six flights of stairs to the highest room in my house that was my parent’s bedroom. My Dad had passed out with a can still in his hand, I couldn’t even wake him. I tried, even shook him. I was so scared and alone in the dark for hours.

I stayed up there in his bedroom with him there until the really late hours when my Mum got back from maybe drinking with friends or whatever she had been doing that night. I didn’t tell her what happened until days later. She was furious at my Dad.

Ever since that night when I was way too young to watch that shit, never mind the horror movie-esque remainder of the night..I would be scared of the dark, I’d run between my room and the bathroom after turning the light off for years, sometimes I’d leave the bathroom light on so that I could go back and forward.

I enjoy watching horror movies now, I always have. But the aftermath of watching a particularly scary (not gory, more with a good storyline or the more supernatural types) horror still strikes me badly because of that first time. Which is rather pathetic, I’m aware.

I think I see things in the dark, or expect something to jump out, to be attacked. I guess anything like that. I spent my teen years afraid of the dark actually. I’m not like that anymore, as much as I still don’t like the dark particularly.

I still watch a lot of horror movies, it’s almost to test myself on whether I’ve moved past this? I guess. I’ve never thought about it until now. I’m not afraid of the dark, nor do horror movies bother me in the way that they do. I find satisfaction in the fact that I’ve matured past it.

I probably sound insane, I feel mad sharing this with you, internet. I’m normal, honest.

 

Late Night Melancholy Contemplation

I’m often reminded why my blog is titled as it is, tonight is fitting.

I must have fallen asleep while I was watching whatever crap film I had on, fully clothed at around 10. I woke up at maybe half past 2 feeling empty, alone and upset. I think I was dreaming of Emily. I don’t really remember dreams these days, but I just woke up with such strong negative feelings with her on my mind. I just know I saw her with someone else. I was almost in tears.

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately too, a positive one. That’s for sure. This has kinda knocked me on my arse. I guess I’ve avoided how bad it feels to seemingly lose someone that’s really important to me completely from my life. It hurts. I feel really lonely tonight, just…empty? I guess.

I’ve never lost someone that I’ve been so close to in this way.

I should finish this tea and sleep, late night thoughts eat away at me.

Halloween

So this time last year for halloween I was dressed as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh (You American readers will likely have no idea, here’s a good reference picture!) I swear the resemblance was uncanny. Down to the makeup and lipstick. Tutu, tights and all.

I got insanely drunk, had a good time, went out to the clubs, got more drunk. One of my best friends had a total meltdown of a night and I ended up looking after him, we both had a proper heart to heart, got upset, then just got rowdy again. I even persuaded a group of slutty bunnies to do the macarena to Misery Business by Paramore. That was fun.

We went and pissed off one of our other friends that was working, stole limes from one of the bar’s fridges and decided it was a good idea to throw them down the street. It totally was by the way, one landed right on a taxi’s windscreen. Beautiful.

This year? Yeah I’m doing nothing at all. I don’t really mind all too much, reflecting on last year is amusing and all. But alcohol = drama and feelings that spill out, I’m fairly happy to be past it and out of that environment. I don’t really need that anymore.

 

Sexual Frustrations

So, we all have dry spells. But this is killing me. I’m so frustrated lately, it’s ridiculous. I’m just so fired up constantly. You just get to a point where masturbation isn’t gonna cut it. I mean, I’ve always had a high sex drive. So being single is fairly rough occasionally, but I had no idea I’d just get worse. The last week or so I just realise that this is the main reason I suck at being single!

I figure I’m actually starting to understand one night stands, though I’ll probably never have one. Something doesn’t sit right with me about them, I think sex with someone you’re totally comfortable with is just too enjoyable? No thoughts about what’s okay and what isn’t.

I guess I just seriously crave the intimacy that comes with being in that sort of relationship, even if it’s just primarily sexual…Which essentially my first proper relationship ended up. I’ve mentioned a great girl that I met recently, she’s made me realise how nice it is to feel valued and wanted. I feel special, i want to keep this feeling. At the same time she’s made me realise how much I need some lovin’ right now, to put it bluntly. I need that level of intimacy in my life, sooner rather than later please!

Times are hard man.

I just want to feel nails against my back and for my neck to be bitten. I could go on..for days. But yeah. Frustrated. I need an outlet, how do other people deal with this? Fuck!

A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

So I realised that I haven’t posted today, or yesterday. Or whatever, I sort of lost track of days and what’s going on.

I guess I just had nada to say, now it’s gone 1 o clock and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time. So I better share them, eh? That was why I started this blog in the first place.

My older brother has been visiting, I haven’t seen him in over a year. It’s not weird at all, we hang out, we talk about football, or films, or tv. That’s pretty much how it goes, I have a lot of negative feelings towards him. Over the last year we’ve spoken on the phone once, it’s very strange. He’s very distant. I’ll tell the story another time I guess. But I’m a lot closer to my younger brother, as much as I love them both. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long story. I’ll get to it some time.

I spent longer than I’d have expected to at the council offices today. It was my whole signing on day so I get money for being a jobless fucker (Still waiting to hear from my latest interview, they’ll call me Monday. They said that last Monday too. Awful)  The woman that sees me really gets along with me, we just spent about 10 minutes chatting about her son, and allsorts. It’s nice to make essentially a stranger smile. A rewarding feeling to feel like you’ve left a mark on someone’s day with no negative impact on your day.

I actually spent 10-15 minutes waiting in an unusually busy council office. It’s normally empty, there was an elderly lady with her grandson that was 4 as well as a couple with a baby. I felt really old, and totally self reflective on what I want in the near future. This little guy was called Tyler, and I think I must have just given him a huge grin as I sat down or something, this 4 year old kid in a Superman jumper just plonked himself down next to me out of nowhere. He shows me his Nintendo DS and asks me if I want to play, I humour him and joke about the size of the Gameboy I used to have. He was such a cool little kid, I forgot how simple and easily entertained kids can be. He just had the biggest grin and he’d giggle at little jokes. I think his grandma was just happy that someone could entertain him haha.

Made me reflect on what I want in the future, how I will make a great dad. I have absolutely no doubt. Then I laugh at how dumb I can be to even think of that when I’m as lonely as I feel like I’ve ever been right now relationship-wise. Even something as little as an ignored text tonight has really got me down. But for all I know it’s just me overthinking, I’m a bit good at that. Ugh, my brain is awful. Stop, please.

Fall Back Down

I stumbled across another cover that I didn’t know existed of this classic. It’s pretty much the song of my childhood, my Dad’s a hardcore Rancid fan. Therefore I am. This song speaks to me about so many different people through my life.

Over summer Emily has been my rock, I’ve been hers too really. We’ve both needed it in our own ways.

One I’ve never met in real life even, but she has always been there like that.She helped me through my darkest points when I was ill.

Another friend I met through gaming, just like the last I mentioned. We’ve met a lot of times and get along great. He hasn’t always been there at an emotional level, but we always have gaming as our outlet together when things go badly. We rely on each other like that.

One is my childhood best bud. We’ve been through thick and thin. When my parents were on the verge of divorce I remember going on a long weekend trip with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in a long time though we’re always in touch and pick things up where we left off.

My trio of bros that I met in university are like brothers to me, they’ve helped me through so much. Dragged me out of depression once already.

This time it’s completely up to me to find myself and I feel like this song doesn’t apply to me anymore. I envy my history that I’ve always had people around me to pick me up in their own way. I really need it right now and I’m lost looking for that person to rely on. I feel very selfish for saying that, but my friends are my strength. I need them. There’s no shame in that, there’s actually a lot of pride from me.

If you haven’t heard the song I’m talking about, find your favourite version from these. I’m undecided.