I’m honestly back now. I swear this time.

So I know you’re all thinking: Who the fuck is this guy I’m following? He vanished ages ago and stopped posting. I know. I know. Fuck, I’m as mad as you. Probably a lot more mad. But i’m back. It’s all good. My laptop went full meltdown mode the second I jinxed it by saying “I’ll update with things soon providing it doesn’t explode”

This is gonna be a real ramblefest of an update of what I remember of the last month or something, so bear with me!

The big news is that I actually have a job, I’ve been in it now for about as long as I’ve been vanished for. Started around the start of February. Fucking awesome news, maybe the little break I needed. It’s only an apprenticeship, so it’s practically slave labour

(Not even overexaggerating. I get like £2.60 an hour. Which is like $4.35 according to google)

The plus sides are obviously that it’s better than nothing, I get a qualification in er..warehouse management and packing or something along those lines. But I’m actually working for an IT shop that sells to a bunch of schools, clients and also through Amazon and Ebay. As well as having an IT tech section for people to get stuff fixed. They helped me fix my little scrapheap too. They’re cool guys, I basically work with the three of them.

So I mainly just handle all of the packaging, database, logging and  invoicing malarkey. Fairly basic stuff, after the first two weeks I was doing it all alone. In my spare time I get shown the ropes of the IT technician side of it, which I think is actually the interesting bit.

So anyway, my laptop is fixed and all good. Stuff with me is moving forward, I’m real sorry I haven’t been able to update. So many thoughts and wanting to write over the last month have passed me by and so have the thoughts. I’ve also missed all of you guys that I share myself with, and those who are awesome enough to share back.

Great to be back.




What’s new? Big steps

Hi little corner of internet, how’s it going? Good weekend?

Mine was hugely uneventful, I have like no social life (not even over-exaggerating here) since moving away from University and back “home” with my family, though it’s like 7 hours away from where I was born and raised.

I realised one thing: I haven’t touched my guitar or been singing for the last couple of months. Really awful. I need to get back doing it because it puts in a miles better place, especially to hear feedback from the odd few here that drop by to listen to my recordings. So over the next few weeks i’m going to work on the first song writing in about 6 months and just get back into my stride.

I’m starting a short (10 week maximum) English class just to pick up basic qualifications that I don’t have because I was ill when I should’ve been picking these up. I’ll be following it up with Maths too and whatever else that comes up. It’s quite..no. It’s demeaning. I’m not gonna lie. When I dropped for the initial testing and introduction class there were 4 people including myself there. Everyone else was at least 10 years older than me: one woman could barely use the pc that the test was on, one guy was Polish and didn’t speak great English.

I might come across as an arse or a hypocrite to comment on them, but I’m aware that as a 22 year old man this isn’t where I seen my path leading. Anyway, it’s a positive just to slap that on my CV and move on. It might only take me a few weeks because of the level I’m at. After say 6 years since I was being taught this stuff at school, there’s a lot of odd things you don’t actually realise that you’ve forgotten. I’ll pick it up in no time. The important thing is that I work individually and the class that I share with others doesn’t limit me in even the slightest of ways.

I mean, the biggest news is something that I’m still trying to be reserved with. But to be completely honest: I’m so fucking excited/apprehensive at the same time.

I got the job interview for ICT support technician at the local school that I was so keen for.

Now, I’ve been given the chance that I’ve been so desperate for. I deserve it, I really do. This job would be a walk in the park to be completely honest. It pays well, I could easily progress by showing the drive that I know I have in me. One thing that has always appeals to me in a job is the chance to dress well daily. I look fucking good in a suit, just saying!

There’s a writing job within the League of Legends E-sports community too that I stumbled across. The deadline is tomorrow and they want a sample piece of writing that I’ve kinda struggled writing. I was going to ask for advice here about whether or not I should go for it or just focus on the other job.

Unlike the other writing work I’ve done within gaming: this actually offers pay. It’d still only be something that I spend..I don’t know. Probably all in all a max of 12 hours a week working on combined with research. What I didn’t mention is that they’re hiring for content writers within either Korean, Chinese or Taiwanese competitive gaming scenes. I actually follow the Korean scene because it’s classed as the best in the world. I just need to do A LOT of work to learn everything I need to.

So I’m gonna spend my afternoon trying to write a respectable sample article and send off an application there too. I’m sure that I could keep up with both. If I don’t get it…well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

This has gotten a little wordy, but i’m bouncing at the minute at the thought of being given a chance by this school. I really need to smash that interview come Friday. I’ll be sure to update before then anyway.

For now, hope you’re all well with whatever part of the path you find yourself on. Keep smiling.

Panic attacks and anxiety

I seem to suffer from crippling anxiety over the smallest of things. Often it’s about explaining my illness to people who I know don’t understand, it terrifies me. I feel like an absolute idiot for feeling like this, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Fear of people not understanding my illness scares me, it’s stupid and there’s no logic behind it. The problem is, I really can’t control it and can’t even catch my breath. I just want to get back into my bed and curl up and hide from things.

I still haven’t found a good way of dealing with it, frankly. Some people say to focus on one spot in your room and focus on breathing. Others deal with it in a more literal sense and just tackle these things head on. I can’t do that, I’m a coward. I’m far too good at hiding from my problems, it’s probably my biggest weakness.

Not being able to afford to visit friends makes me nervous, so does not being able to justify my illness to my job seeker’s consultant who can be a total arsehole at the best of times.

I guess this is my outlet to try to deal with it. Listening to a particular song on repeat and just getting this off my chest.

I really feel too stupid and pathetic to even tell anyone close to me that I struggle so much and have panic attacks.

Horror movies and fear of the dark

So my memory is pretty patchy at best after splitting my head open twice in my teens, yeah they were both dumb teenage things essentially.

But, I digress.

I don’t remember much of when I was young. But I was thinking back tonight about this time I watched my first horror movie, and realised the link between my kinda fear of the dark as well as the strange relationship that I have with horror movies.

I don’t remember why, but my usually packed house only had my Dad and I on that night, he drank a lot through my childhood and worked long shift hours of a laborious job, so he’d generally come back home and have a bath, listen to music in his room and drink. It was a fairly standard, accepted thing. He worked hard to put food on our table, I respect that of him.

Anyway, I ended up watching The Ring alone, I know it isn’t all that scary a movie, but when you’re maybe 10? I don’t even remember why I watched it, but I was intrigued I guess, and a little ballsy. It terrified me.

Once the movie ended I realised that the lights were off..they must have all gone off because of the old dodgy Victorian house that we had. So it was pitch black everywhere in my house and I was alone after watching this. I was totally crippled with fear after watching this movie.

I managed to make it up the six flights of stairs to the highest room in my house that was my parent’s bedroom. My Dad had passed out with a can still in his hand, I couldn’t even wake him. I tried, even shook him. I was so scared and alone in the dark for hours.

I stayed up there in his bedroom with him there until the really late hours when my Mum got back from maybe drinking with friends or whatever she had been doing that night. I didn’t tell her what happened until days later. She was furious at my Dad.

Ever since that night when I was way too young to watch that shit, never mind the horror movie-esque remainder of the night..I would be scared of the dark, I’d run between my room and the bathroom after turning the light off for years, sometimes I’d leave the bathroom light on so that I could go back and forward.

I enjoy watching horror movies now, I always have. But the aftermath of watching a particularly scary (not gory, more with a good storyline or the more supernatural types) horror still strikes me badly because of that first time. Which is rather pathetic, I’m aware.

I think I see things in the dark, or expect something to jump out, to be attacked. I guess anything like that. I spent my teen years afraid of the dark actually. I’m not like that anymore, as much as I still don’t like the dark particularly.

I still watch a lot of horror movies, it’s almost to test myself on whether I’ve moved past this? I guess. I’ve never thought about it until now. I’m not afraid of the dark, nor do horror movies bother me in the way that they do. I find satisfaction in the fact that I’ve matured past it.

I probably sound insane, I feel mad sharing this with you, internet. I’m normal, honest.


Late Night Melancholy Contemplation

I’m often reminded why my blog is titled as it is, tonight is fitting.

I must have fallen asleep while I was watching whatever crap film I had on, fully clothed at around 10. I woke up at maybe half past 2 feeling empty, alone and upset. I think I was dreaming of Emily. I don’t really remember dreams these days, but I just woke up with such strong negative feelings with her on my mind. I just know I saw her with someone else. I was almost in tears.

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately too, a positive one. That’s for sure. This has kinda knocked me on my arse. I guess I’ve avoided how bad it feels to seemingly lose someone that’s really important to me completely from my life. It hurts. I feel really lonely tonight, just…empty? I guess.

I’ve never lost someone that I’ve been so close to in this way.

I should finish this tea and sleep, late night thoughts eat away at me.


So this time last year for halloween I was dressed as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh (You American readers will likely have no idea, here’s a good reference picture!) I swear the resemblance was uncanny. Down to the makeup and lipstick. Tutu, tights and all.


I got insanely drunk, had a good time, went out to the clubs, got more drunk. One of my best friends had a total meltdown of a night and I ended up looking after him, we both had a proper heart to heart, got upset, then just got rowdy again. I even persuaded a group of slutty bunnies to do the macarena to Misery Business by Paramore. That was fun.

We went and pissed off one of our other friends that was working, stole limes from one of the bar’s fridges and decided it was a good idea to throw them down the street. It totally was by the way, one landed right on a taxi’s windscreen. Beautiful.

This year? Yeah I’m doing nothing at all. I don’t really mind all too much, reflecting on last year is amusing and all. But alcohol = drama and feelings that spill out, I’m fairly happy to be past it and out of that environment. I don’t really need that anymore.


Sexual Frustrations

So, we all have dry spells. But this is killing me. I’m so frustrated lately, it’s ridiculous. I’m just so fired up constantly. You just get to a point where masturbation isn’t gonna cut it. I mean, I’ve always had a high sex drive. So being single is fairly rough occasionally, but I had no idea I’d just get worse. The last week or so I just realise that this is the main reason I suck at being single!

I figure I’m actually starting to understand one night stands, though I’ll probably never have one.¬†Something doesn’t sit right with me about them, I think sex with someone you’re totally comfortable with is just too enjoyable? No thoughts about what’s okay and what isn’t.

I guess I just seriously crave the intimacy that comes with being in that sort of relationship, even if it’s just primarily sexual…Which essentially my first proper relationship ended up. I’ve mentioned a great girl that I met recently, she’s made me realise how nice it is to feel valued and wanted. I feel special, i want to keep this feeling. At the same time she’s made me realise how much I need some lovin’ right now, to put it bluntly. I need that level of intimacy in my life, sooner rather than later please!

Times are hard man.

I just want to feel nails against my back and for my neck to be bitten. I could go on..for days. But yeah. Frustrated. I need an outlet, how do other people deal with this? Fuck!