Well then. Where was I? I’ve had a fairly hectic week. I’ll get to giving you a proper update this weekend. I might do it tonight, but to be frank: I’m fucking shattered.
I started a new job on Tuesday, I’ve worked 9-5:50 the last four days and I’m absolutely chuffed with how it’s going. But more on that soon. Just wanted to drop by and let you know it’s all good and things on my side are moving on up.
Finally got that break I was looking for, you could say.
So I’ve got a big interview tomorrow, i’m really anxious for it. My mum teaches at the school that the job would be at and the entire department knows that, they’re not stupid. They’ve even mentioned it to her. The manager of the ICT department told my mum today that five people are interviewing for two (I think?) jobs. There were three outstanding applications and one of them was mine.
So why am I so nervous? I figure because it’s actually a really good job and a huge opportunity for me to get a steady job and progress too. I’ve laid everything out, picked everything that i’ll wear, set alarms, done everything to be ready for this. I’m just worried that I interview badly for once I guess. Weirdly excitedly anxious.
I got a sharp new haircut, kept my facial hair but trimmed neatly (I don’t want to look like a fucking student at a school where I want a job. But I’m 5″5..so that’s a tricky one). I had an absolute fucking nightmare trying to take out my ball-nose ring too. Had to actually go to a piercer (about 10 places enquired to later) to get it taken out with pliars. But all good, I’ve got a tiny little nose stud in now, I feel like I’ve lost that little bit of rebellion that I was holding onto.
As soon as I get some coffee in me and suit up I’ll get into my pre-interview swagger mindset and do great. I’m sure. Kinda. Hopefully. Probably? Maybe. Yeah, no I should do.
To be honest, being around school kids..I can’t help but just feel like this:
I actually got a call back from another job I had applied for weeks back and had a phone interview for. I’ve got another interview for that on Tuesday. But to be blunt, I want the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow. I really do. I’m gonna get it too, I’m confident. Just anxious because I almost feel like it’s mine to lose..That probably sounds dumb, but this is why I tag this sort of post as “rambling” eh?
Hi little corner of internet, how’s it going? Good weekend?
Mine was hugely uneventful, I have like no social life (not even over-exaggerating here) since moving away from University and back “home” with my family, though it’s like 7 hours away from where I was born and raised.
I realised one thing: I haven’t touched my guitar or been singing for the last couple of months. Really awful. I need to get back doing it because it puts in a miles better place, especially to hear feedback from the odd few here that drop by to listen to my recordings. So over the next few weeks i’m going to work on the first song writing in about 6 months and just get back into my stride.
I’m starting a short (10 week maximum) English class just to pick up basic qualifications that I don’t have because I was ill when I should’ve been picking these up. I’ll be following it up with Maths too and whatever else that comes up. It’s quite..no. It’s demeaning. I’m not gonna lie. When I dropped for the initial testing and introduction class there were 4 people including myself there. Everyone else was at least 10 years older than me: one woman could barely use the pc that the test was on, one guy was Polish and didn’t speak great English.
I might come across as an arse or a hypocrite to comment on them, but I’m aware that as a 22 year old man this isn’t where I seen my path leading. Anyway, it’s a positive just to slap that on my CV and move on. It might only take me a few weeks because of the level I’m at. After say 6 years since I was being taught this stuff at school, there’s a lot of odd things you don’t actually realise that you’ve forgotten. I’ll pick it up in no time. The important thing is that I work individually and the class that I share with others doesn’t limit me in even the slightest of ways.
I mean, the biggest news is something that I’m still trying to be reserved with. But to be completely honest: I’m so fucking excited/apprehensive at the same time.
I got the job interview for ICT support technician at the local school that I was so keen for.
Now, I’ve been given the chance that I’ve been so desperate for. I deserve it, I really do. This job would be a walk in the park to be completely honest. It pays well, I could easily progress by showing the drive that I know I have in me. One thing that has always appeals to me in a job is the chance to dress well daily. I look fucking good in a suit, just saying!
There’s a writing job within the League of Legends E-sports community too that I stumbled across. The deadline is tomorrow and they want a sample piece of writing that I’ve kinda struggled writing. I was going to ask for advice here about whether or not I should go for it or just focus on the other job.
Unlike the other writing work I’ve done within gaming: this actually offers pay. It’d still only be something that I spend..I don’t know. Probably all in all a max of 12 hours a week working on combined with research. What I didn’t mention is that they’re hiring for content writers within either Korean, Chinese or Taiwanese competitive gaming scenes. I actually follow the Korean scene because it’s classed as the best in the world. I just need to do A LOT of work to learn everything I need to.
So I’m gonna spend my afternoon trying to write a respectable sample article and send off an application there too. I’m sure that I could keep up with both. If I don’t get it…well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?
This has gotten a little wordy, but i’m bouncing at the minute at the thought of being given a chance by this school. I really need to smash that interview come Friday. I’ll be sure to update before then anyway.
For now, hope you’re all well with whatever part of the path you find yourself on. Keep smiling.
I’ve been short of stuff to watch really since Breaking Bad finished up. I watch good ol’ American stuff like Big Bang Theory, New Girl and How I Met Your Mother. I’m easily entertained you could say.
My favourite American told me to try Firefly, I had genuinely no idea about it. Rather than try to explain it, I’d say let IMDB do that for me. I have no clue how it passed me by. I’m pretty disappointed with myself because it’s a total gem of a show, and the follow on movie Serenity was great too.
I’m baffled that it only lasted one season. The cast is great, ever since I totally loved Chuck, Adam Baldwin has ticks every box for my entertainment. It’s 14 (I think?) episodes long, I watched them in maybe three days. As soon as I finished it (I was home alone) I took advantage of our big ass tv in the front room and rigged it up to my laptop and found the follow on movie Serenity that I was told would tie up a lot of the loose ends.
I wasn’t even a little bit disappointed, half way through I realised how well written it was. I only had a vague guess (that was wrong) at where the plot was going. To be completely honest I’d watch 10 seasons of Firefly if they had made it. It’s a huge shame that it wasn’t given further backing for tv. I was sceptical at how the transition from tv show to movie would go, but it was flawless. Even as a stand alone movie you get a good sense for the dynamics, and for someone that loved the tv series it wasn’t patronising or time wasting with the storyline.
Ps I don’t just love Adam Baldwin, I stumbled on this too. 100% relevant!
So if you have managed to have your head in the sand like I have for all these years..Don’t even hesitate. Give it a go, you really won’t be disappointed!
You know, it has been far too long since I gave an insightful update into the goings on in my life. In part it’s down to my laptop being dead and now brought back to life thanks to a favour called in from a friend of my mums. But it isn’t just down to that, I’ve just been a bit..well, flat I suppose in the last month or two. It comes from a varying range of reasons that I haven’t sat down and given much thought about until now. So here goes with a little out loud rambling.
I’m still unemployed, that’s painful in multiple ways. I feel like a huge disappointment and burden on my family since quitting university, even though I still consider it to be the right decision for me. A big one is money: I get absolute peanuts in terms of unemployment benefits and the unemployment lot that deal with me are fucking useless in terms of inspiration or motivation; I’d go as far as saying there’s zero interest in anything but ticking boxes on their side of their jobs. The majority of my money right now goes back into my family who struggle money-wise right now quite a lot. I’m still in hellish debt of my overdraft for the time being.
It’s not through lack of trying or anything otherwise. I spoke to my dad about it recently and I was telling him about what I was applying for and that it was a lot of effort to put into cover letters or tailoring my CV to their needs or particular shitty jobs that I had to pretend I actually wanted. He told me just to sack all of that off, essentially and try to get something in IT because he knows that I’ll enjoy that. He’s right, but short term that still hurts me until I catch a break from..well, anyone.
I’ve just this Monday sent off a hell of a good account of myself in forms of a job application for two posts at the local school that my mum works at. They’re hiring for two posts: ICT curriculum support technician and ICT support technician. One would be more being around kids and practically being a teaching assistant in IT classes. The other is just all of the easy background fixing shit and either would be a total walk in the park. I only found out about this thanks to my mum and she put a sneaky word in to her friends that work in that department.
To my knowledge there’s only one guy that has applied for either post so far, and he’s younger than me so they think he might not be mature enough. Considering you’re working around school kids constantly, it’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I may be 5″5 but a little facial hair and my northern tones definitely set me apart. Give me one interview and they’ll see that for sure. I’m confident I can get a job if i’m given a chance. These are words I seem to keep repeating to myself. Just give me a chance, someone. Fucking hell, I’m due a little break. I’m optimistic in a reserved way about this opportunity. Fingers crossed that I get a chance for either job. The closing date is the coming Monday (27/1), I’ll be sure to update.
I guess I don’t want to bore people too much in terms of what’s going on with me, this has already turned into a long read I think for most. Sorry about that!
I’ll come back to this soon and give you a part two, might take a part three to really feel like I’ve caught up with everything. We’ll see. See you soon.
Thanks for hanging around, you’re all awesome.
Hello strangers.
I’m really sorry to have vanished, my laptop decided that it would pick the worst time (the holiday period) to break while I was scraping the barrel of my bank account for gifts, nothing was spare to fix this. Luckily in the new year my mum knew somebody through work that could fix it, he did for totally free. So huge props to him, total life saver.
So now I can get back into the flow of things, though I feel totally out of the loop and a little dry on inspiration with blogging. But I’ve returned to see my little space of the internet has over 100 of you awesome guys following and I’ve even had kind words letting me know that I was missed over this time.
So thanks everyone, even if you were just silently dropping by and hoping for new content. It’s really appreciated and it inspires me to keep sharing myself here.
So where can I begin? Honestly i’ve drawn to a bit of a standstill. I’ve been uninspired in every sense the last few months. Whether that’s guitar playing, song writing, blogging, any luck with jobs, any real life progress at all. Just a real pause moment on my life. I’m digging deep to get myself out of this rut, but that’s easier said than done I guess.
A little break will come. In the meantime, it’s great to be back and I hope people still drop by, I love this community that I’m so happy to be a part of.
I hope your 2014 started on more positives than mine. There’s plenty of time left for those that haven’t really started yet, just like mine.
I suck and haven’t been writing lately. I don’t know. There’s no “I’ve been super busy” excuse that would be totally cool. I’ve just not really been feeling it. Hence I’ve been a little sporadic.
Anyway, I’d say for the last month, but probably more: I’ve not shaved. Until last night at least. I was rocking a pretty awful beard frankly, but I’d never actually grown my facial hair untamed for longer than say..a fortnight without caving.
Here’s the verdict: I shouldn’t grow facial hair past a little stubble. It doesn’t really suit me, and it’s patchy as FUCK. No lie. It was pretty awful. I had a good laugh shaving in stages though. I’m a 22 year old child. I feel like Jack (Robin Williams is awesome).
I was also slightly encouraged by a particular biased American girl who prefers some “scruff”. Ever so slightly. Maybe. Completely.
So now I’m clean shaven and feel like I’ve lost about 10+ years of age in looks. I already regret not just trimming haha. It’ll take at least a week or so to grow back any notable or acceptable stubble.
Manly problems.
I seem to suffer from crippling anxiety over the smallest of things. Often it’s about explaining my illness to people who I know don’t understand, it terrifies me. I feel like an absolute idiot for feeling like this, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Fear of people not understanding my illness scares me, it’s stupid and there’s no logic behind it. The problem is, I really can’t control it and can’t even catch my breath. I just want to get back into my bed and curl up and hide from things.
I still haven’t found a good way of dealing with it, frankly. Some people say to focus on one spot in your room and focus on breathing. Others deal with it in a more literal sense and just tackle these things head on. I can’t do that, I’m a coward. I’m far too good at hiding from my problems, it’s probably my biggest weakness.
Not being able to afford to visit friends makes me nervous, so does not being able to justify my illness to my job seeker’s consultant who can be a total arsehole at the best of times.
I guess this is my outlet to try to deal with it. Listening to a particular song on repeat and just getting this off my chest.
I really feel too stupid and pathetic to even tell anyone close to me that I struggle so much and have panic attacks.
I often spend time pondering how others perceive me. The main reason for this today is that I bought, tobacco as usual at the local store that’s closest to me. I didn’t make any sort of effort, and it’s pretty cold. So I was just in a t shirt, a shirt layered on top and a hoodie, skinnie jeans and my vans. Standard lazy clothing.
I came to the realisation that since moving back home this summer and turning 22, I’ve not once been asked for ID when I buy tobacco. This is totally alien to me, I mean..I look so young, generally that’s one thing people will note about me. Being 5″5 adds to this for sure haha.
So is it because i’m in the south of England now and I have a low, northern accent? Is it that I have a vague attempt at facial hair? Is it that I’m more mature than I realise? Is it that I don’t look as young as I think?! It may be a collection of these things, or that they just don’t care to ID people without good reason around here.
I have no idea, but it makes me feel old. I don’t know, but I don’t think I like it! I mean, someone can mistake a younger girl as older because of makeup and how she dresses pretty easily. But as a guy, it’s harder to fake age? I don’t think I accidentally look older than I should. I’m only 22! I was even told I look 24 today, not sure how I feel about that.
Is everyone as curious as I am about how they’re perceived day-to-day? My brain works in mysterious and sometimes amusing ways.
So I’m still unemployed, oh the joys. The last week I’ve made the same constant effort daily applying to places. No luck at all. Ugh. I actually was made to apply for unpaid work experience that’d look good on my CV. I figured it was better than nothing and went ahead with it. I got turned down for that too, oh the embarrassment. My poor ego was fairly dented.
So I had my fortnightly sign in just a little earlier, tell people how I’m doing and so on. Generally I’m well presented, feeling good about myself, chatting away with my adviser, she’s lovely and we get along fine. I like to think I brighten up her shitty Fridays. I wasn’t my old self, I look and feel like shit. Winter seems to do this to me ever since I got ill, I just feel flat I guess. I was just in tons of layers, lost my glasses?! 
Yes like Velma, funny internet. Funny. But I was running late, so I just decided to be blind.
So I put my earphones in on my way back home, maybe a 20 minute walk. I put some Watsky on and decided he’s right. “You’re a lost dog, I’m a boss hog” and listened to some of his awesome old tracks and one of his spoken word pieces “I don’t mean to brag, but..”. Put a massive smile on my face and went about my more usual walk home. Yeah I still feel shitty, but I made sure I smile at the very least. I even bought myself some peanut butter on the way home because I’m random like that. It’s totally my go-to comfort food. I might just get myself a spoon…
So I guess everyone can pick themselves up, I didn’t have an excuse to be in a bad mood other than just not feeling my best. Epiphany: I’m never at my best, I’m still working towards it. Better keep trying daily or I’m just slowing my own progress. Happy weekend internet.
MelancholyContemplation 