I’m a weird guy

I really had an awful “first” relationship, as in the first girl I slept with. It was only in University, to avoid a long back story: We shared a flat and lived together for a year, I told her I had feelings for her, she broke up with her long term ex, we were on and off constantly for maybe a year. It was awful and messy and really depressed me a lot.

We had a lot of things that were “ours”, like every couple I guess. One was that we’d watch “How I met your mother”, like..It’s a good show alright? It’s not great, nothing special. It aint Friends. But it was our thing, we watched every single episode together, we did marathons of watching them until we were waiting for them to be released and we’d watch them weekly.

It’s really fucking sad. It’s coming up to a year since we broken up and I still look back with weird emotions. I guess your first always has that weird hold and romanticised air of bullshit surrounding them. She was a shit girlfriend, she cheated on me, I moved on. But she hurt me a lot, I was really naive. I kept going back to her constantly, she could click her fingers and I’d come running. After a while that flipped around, I could do the same.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I’ve realised that I need to move on, jesus christ. I’ll never move past anyone if I can’t move past this. So it’s a tiny pathetic step to more recent pain, which doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. I’m gonna pick up where I left off with that show, I haven’t watched it since we broke up. I’ve never watched it alone. Really weird, but it’s a forward step one way or another I guess.

An ex and persistence

So after feeling fairly obliged to meet my ex as I sort of inherited all of her friends. (They’re all amazing and the best and I’ve stolen them all for myself!) while visiting friends from university I had a coffee with her, was totally civil. Absolutely fine. All good, conscience clear, etc.

However. No matter how short I am with this girl, or blunt, or evasive, she persists to message me. After I make an excuse that I’m busy even when I’m not, or just give a short answer to something she asks me about my cats, or about a haircut I mentioned while we had coffee, or something equally out of the blue.

I don’t quite get how she does with the whole moving on. As far as I know every ex of hers excluding me (kinda? okay, probably not on reflection) was a total dick. It seems to take that for her to move on and she held onto her previous ex for so long even when we were together, which is one of the main reasons I broke up with her originally.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike the girl. She just bugs the shit out of me. Like, ugh. Just. Stop. She talks to me like we never broke up sometimes and even when I was there she replied to me with a “Make me” line that used to be really flirty and kinda cute to me. Those days have long passed and it was just creepy and out of place. I don’t know man, I don’t want to be horrible or hurt her feelings. She’s just very intense and a bit much. I really don’t need this at the minute. Save me.

The only person I want to speak to right now isn’t really here right now.

Moved on, not forgotten

So today I realised that I’m not as okay about my last break up as I thought I was, I guess. In my head I can validate so clearly why I had to break up with my last girlfriend. To put a long story short:

Our first date we spent around 5 hours in a coffee shop, chatted as people came and left. Ended because the store closed. I know more about her than anyone else, we’re so alike in so many ways, I found out we’re really different in so many others later on. The relationship lasted around 4 months, I practically lived with her the whole time. Her flatmates and friends became mine, they still are actually.

She was so loving and caring, thoughtful and sweet the majority of the time. Yet so emotionally cut off with others. Over the entire relationship she essentially hidden me from her ex that she was still in contact with, she’d hide her phone from me when she’d get messages, still had pictures of him up. There was even a time that she was flicking through old pictures and showing me them on her laptop and 90% of them had him in, including a naked one. So….you probably get the idea.

I was probably too nice, but my first serious relationship had ended because she cheated on me. I found out that she was essentially lying about me to this ex, for reasons I still don’t understand. I suck at breaking up with people, but I just couldn’t deal with it. I confronted her and she just didn’t understand how much she was hurting me. Even when her best friend was the one comforting me about it all, to this day I don’t understand, I never will.

She constantly tried to speak to me, text me, facebook message, skype me for a week after the breakup, I decided to just essentially remove her from my life because it was still fresh. We were never friends to begin with, I don’t respect her after how she treated me. I moved on. We haven’t spoken for months, I essentially blocked her from my life after saying my civil goodbyes.

Anyway, that short version got long, god I suck at this. At least you have a vague perspective now!

I went to grab my card to pay for coffee today, and I found about 10 passport photo size prints of her. She had given me them as a surprise gift because I mentioned I thought it was cute to have girlfriend’s pictures in your wallet. She was thoughtful like that. It really knocked me on my arse, I had no idea they were in there. I’ve put them away in a “gifts from exes” box that I keep for memories, won’t see it again anytime soon.

Just got me wondering how we define being “over” someone. I think I’ll always feel the same way I did about her, and even writing this I feel so upset that she didn’t want from me what I craved from her.

Trust is like a mirror. Once you’ve broken it, it’ll never truly

be the same again.

I’ve moved on, but I won’t forget her.