Optimistic Pessimism

I guess I struggle to keep constant optimism, I fall into a mood of realism. I say realism, it’s borderline pessimism, I’ve just very realistic about how shitty the world can be!

I got off topic within two sentences, I’ve earned some sort of accolade for that surely? Word of warning, I’m venting before I look at any sort of bright sides. Skip a few paragraphs down for the happy shit.

But yeah, I guess I’m always on a tilt of struggling to deal with problems that I have with a lot of things. I hate the majority of people, I don’t want to be stuck working a shitty job, the last two great jobs that have came up have both been organisationally bad and show no respect for people that they interview. So even if they get back to me (As late as a month on, nobody chosen for the job. How?), do I want to work for people that fucked me around for the last month? No, but I would. So give me the job, fuckers!

I keep getting down about my body, and I really don’t do it. When I’m in a relationship and intimate with somebody, I feel great about myself. I feel confident, somebody liked me enough to be close to me. It’s always shortlived. Now that I’m on my own I just feel horrible, I don’t really think anyone would find me attractive. I’m hella skinny, and painfully aware of how little muscle tone I have.

So Callum, you sound fucking emo right now. Why aren’t you doing anything about your shit? Good question.

I’m following up with jobs on Monday, I have a list and I’m going to go on a rampage. There’s a local computer repair shop that is offering an apprenticeship too that has just came up, I’m planning on suiting up and heading in there Monday morning to chat to them. Leave a great impression before dropping my cv off, or applying online (if that’s what I really have to do, oh technology). I figure this is a good way to get across that I’d love to work for them, and I’d be front of house for them. So show how smart and presentable I am. Two birds, one stone. Yeah? Sweet.

And okay. Stop. Callum, at least a handful of girls in your life have found you attractive. I need to stop worrying don’t I, start being optimistic.. Start changing shit for myself. I’ve started doing daily pressups and situps, I’ve eaten really well (Eaten three meals a day and snacked a lot since Friday, this is a huge deal for me. Seriously). Confidence will come, I have people in my life that think a lot of me. Even find me attractive.

Sometimes I think I just need to cool my shit and stop stressing over the little things. I’m making positive steps, working towards being the person that I want to be. That’s all I can do really isn’t it..

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