Optimistic Pessimism

I guess I struggle to keep constant optimism, I fall into a mood of realism. I say realism, it’s borderline pessimism, I’ve just very realistic about how shitty the world can be!

I got off topic within two sentences, I’ve earned some sort of accolade for that surely? Word of warning, I’m venting before I look at any sort of bright sides. Skip a few paragraphs down for the happy shit.

But yeah, I guess I’m always on a tilt of struggling to deal with problems that I have with a lot of things. I hate the majority of people, I don’t want to be stuck working a shitty job, the last two great jobs that have came up have both been organisationally bad and show no respect for people that they interview. So even if they get back to me (As late as a month on, nobody chosen for the job. How?), do I want to work for people that fucked me around for the last month? No, but I would. So give me the job, fuckers!

I keep getting down about my body, and I really don’t do it. When I’m in a relationship and intimate with somebody, I feel great about myself. I feel confident, somebody liked me enough to be close to me. It’s always shortlived. Now that I’m on my own I just feel horrible, I don’t really think anyone would find me attractive. I’m hella skinny, and painfully aware of how little muscle tone I have.

So Callum, you sound fucking emo right now. Why aren’t you doing anything about your shit? Good question.

I’m following up with jobs on Monday, I have a list and I’m going to go on a rampage. There’s a local computer repair shop that is offering an apprenticeship too that has just came up, I’m planning on suiting up and heading in there Monday morning to chat to them. Leave a great impression before dropping my cv off, or applying online (if that’s what I really have to do, oh technology). I figure this is a good way to get across that I’d love to work for them, and I’d be front of house for them. So show how smart and presentable I am. Two birds, one stone. Yeah? Sweet.

And okay. Stop. Callum, at least a handful of girls in your life have found you attractive. I need to stop worrying don’t I, start being optimistic.. Start changing shit for myself. I’ve started doing daily pressups and situps, I’ve eaten really well (Eaten three meals a day and snacked a lot since Friday, this is a huge deal for me. Seriously). Confidence will come, I have people in my life that think a lot of me. Even find me attractive.

Sometimes I think I just need to cool my shit and stop stressing over the little things. I’m making positive steps, working towards being the person that I want to be. That’s all I can do really isn’t it..

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Perception

The last week in particular has opened my eyes a little and made me realise that I’m pessimistic, I thought I was a realist but I think I’ve slipped into having a skewed view of myself.
The way I thought people view me is this short, nerdy guy that’s really awkward, average looking at best and I generally thought my personality is my only good trait, which people would never initially even see.To put it generally anyway. It’s fairly clear when I write that down that I don’t think all that much of myself huh, I didn’t realise I put myself down that much until it’s written down in front of me to see for myself.

I worked at V-festival over the weekend. It was a crappy litter picking job, I did it last year too. I have spare time in a shift to see the odd acts that I want to see and get paid along the way. Can’t really complain. This year I got to see Eddie Izzard and The Vaccines in particular. Because of where I worked I heard from a ton of DJs and seen so many people off their face while I was sober as a judge.

Anyway, off the point entirely. The way I perceive myself, right. The point I was getting to is that while I worked there I was constantly surrounded by around 50 other staff members doing various things, all of which I’d class as more respectable jobs than the crap I was doing. I realised that I’m a confident guy that is really easy to talk to. I’m kind, I’m thoughtful and understanding. I’m compassionate. People like me when they meet me. I can be sarcastic, I honestly think that’s the only thing people don’t always like about me.

So I guess this weekend made me realise that I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, I’m definitely not the teenager I was. I’m definitely not perceived how I still expect to be for some reason, I probably never was either.

The way people perceive you isn’t always what you expect, don’t be a pessimist like me. At the end of the day, there’s only one thing you can concentrate on. I know for sure it isn’t worrying about what other people think of you, or how you’ll be judged daily. People judge based on multiple things, appearance, how you sound, what they already know about you. Simple, petty things sometimes.

The only thing you can do to change how you are perceived is to not even think about it and to concentrate on being the best version of you that you can be. As long as you do that and find your own happiness, well I think that people will see that.

You are appreciated, you are worth care and attention that you crave one way or another. You’ll find it. I’m not saying that people won’t judge you along the way or that nobody will think you’re a dick. But that’s life.

I definitely have a better idea of how I’m perceived now, feels like a weird realisation but one worthy of sharing and thinking about.

Currently listening to:

So I’m listening to Drive, by Incubus. It’s a song that lately has just sat really well with me. I have a habit to listen to all sorts of music, which if you happen to hang around here, I’m sure you’ll see eventually.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it:

Spotify users
The YouTubes!

I have a habit of listening to songs and taking them in subconsciously. Sometimes, like now: I’ll have a realisation that this song has huge meaning to me right now and it clicks in my head why I was enjoying it so much. I guess I see why it resonates so much with me at the minute.

Lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah

Just a small pick of the lyrics. You could say I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my still pretty young life. A lot of huge and defining decisions are ahead of me and after coming to the decision to quit University and find the happy, optimistic version of myself…You could say I was terrified of the open-ended possibilities, yet feeling so limited at the same time.

I’ve finally came to terms with what’s ahead of me: I don’t know, but I’m embracing what comes my way and doing my best to control my path.

What are you listening to? Does it have any underlying meaning that you didn’t realise? Or are you a little more aware than me and currently have a song that just fits where you are or how you’re feeling?