Pre-Interview Nerves

So I’ve got a big interview tomorrow, i’m really anxious for it. My mum teaches at the school that the job would be at and the entire department knows that, they’re not stupid. They’ve even mentioned it to her. The manager of the ICT department told my mum today that five people are interviewing for two (I think?) jobs. There were three outstanding applications and one of them was mine.

So why am I so nervous? I figure because it’s actually a really good job and a huge opportunity for me to get a steady job and progress too. I’ve laid everything out, picked everything that i’ll wear, set alarms, done everything to be ready for this. I’m just worried that I interview badly for once I guess. Weirdly excitedly anxious.

 

I got a sharp new haircut, kept my facial hair but trimmed neatly (I don’t want to look like a fucking student at a school where I want a job. But I’m 5″5..so that’s a tricky one). I had an absolute fucking nightmare trying to take out my ball-nose ring too. Had to actually go to a piercer (about 10 places enquired to later) to get it taken out with pliars. But all good, I’ve got a tiny little nose stud in now, I feel like I’ve lost that little bit of rebellion that I was holding onto.

As soon as I get some coffee in me and suit up I’ll get into my pre-interview swagger mindset and do great. I’m sure. Kinda. Hopefully. Probably? Maybe. Yeah, no I should do.

To be honest, being around school kids..I can’t help but just feel like this:

I actually got a call back from another job I had applied for weeks back and had a phone interview for. I’ve got another interview for that on Tuesday. But to be blunt, I want the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow. I really do. I’m gonna get it too, I’m confident. Just anxious because I almost feel like it’s mine to lose..That probably sounds dumb, but this is why I tag this sort of post as “rambling” eh?

Firefly – My really late discovery

I’ve been short of stuff to watch really since Breaking Bad finished up. I watch good ol’ American stuff like Big Bang Theory, New Girl and How I Met Your Mother. I’m easily entertained you could say.

My favourite American told me to try Firefly, I had genuinely no idea about it. Rather than try to explain it, I’d say let IMDB do that for me. I have no clue how it passed me by. I’m pretty disappointed with myself because it’s a total gem of a show, and the follow on movie Serenity was great too.

I’m baffled that it only lasted one season. The cast is great, ever since I totally loved Chuck, Adam Baldwin has ticks every box for my entertainment. It’s 14 (I think?) episodes long, I watched them in maybe three days. As soon as I finished it (I was home alone) I took advantage of our big ass tv in the front room and rigged it up to my laptop and found the follow on movie Serenity that I was told would tie up a lot of the loose ends.

I wasn’t even a little bit disappointed, half way through I realised how well written it was. I only had a vague guess (that was wrong) at where the plot was going. To be completely honest I’d watch 10 seasons of Firefly if they had made it. It’s a huge shame that it wasn’t given further backing for tv. I was sceptical at how the transition from tv show to movie would go, but it was flawless. Even as a stand alone movie you get a good sense for the dynamics, and for someone that loved the tv series it wasn’t patronising or time wasting with the storyline.

Ps I don’t just love Adam Baldwin, I stumbled on this too. 100% relevant!

So if you have managed to have your head in the sand like I have for all these years..Don’t even hesitate. Give it a go, you really won’t be disappointed!

A pretty late update

You know, it has been far too long since I gave an insightful update into the goings on in my life. In part it’s down to my laptop being dead and now brought back to life thanks to a favour called in from a friend of my mums. But it isn’t just down to that, I’ve just been a bit..well, flat I suppose in the last month or two. It comes from a varying range of reasons that I haven’t sat down and given much thought about until now. So here goes with a little out loud rambling.

I’m still unemployed, that’s painful in multiple ways. I feel like a huge disappointment and burden on my family since quitting university, even though I still consider it to be the right decision for me. A big one is money: I get absolute peanuts in terms of unemployment benefits and the unemployment lot that deal with me are fucking useless in terms of inspiration or motivation; I’d go as far as saying there’s zero interest in anything but ticking boxes on their side of their jobs. The majority of my money right now goes back into my family who struggle money-wise right now quite a lot. I’m still in hellish debt of my overdraft for the time being.

It’s not through lack of trying or anything otherwise. I spoke to my dad about it recently and I was telling him about what I was applying for and that it was a lot of effort to put into cover letters or tailoring my CV to their needs or particular shitty jobs that I had to pretend I actually wanted. He told me just to sack all of that off, essentially and try to get something in IT because he knows that I’ll enjoy that. He’s right, but short term that still hurts me until I catch a break from..well, anyone.

I’ve just this Monday sent off a hell of a good account of myself in forms of a job application for two posts at the local school that my mum works at. They’re hiring for two posts: ICT curriculum support technician and ICT support technician. One would be more being around kids and practically being a teaching assistant in IT classes. The other is just all of the easy background fixing shit and either would be a total walk in the park. I only found out about this thanks to my mum and she put a sneaky word in to her friends that work in that department.

To my knowledge there’s only one guy that has applied for either post so far, and he’s younger than me so they think he might not be mature enough. Considering you’re working around school kids constantly, it’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I may be 5″5 but a little facial hair and my northern tones definitely set me apart. Give me one interview and they’ll see that for sure. I’m confident I can get a job if i’m given a chance. These are words I seem to keep repeating to myself. Just give me a chance, someone. Fucking hell, I’m due a little break. I’m optimistic in a reserved way about this opportunity. Fingers crossed that I get a chance for either job. The closing date is the coming Monday (27/1), I’ll be sure to update.

I guess I don’t want to bore people too much in terms of what’s going on with me, this has already turned into a long read I think for most. Sorry about that!

I’ll come back to this soon and give you a part two, might take a part three to really feel like I’ve caught up with everything. We’ll see. See you soon.

Thanks for hanging around, you’re all awesome.

2014, come at me

Hello strangers.

I’m really sorry to have vanished, my laptop decided that it would pick the worst time (the holiday period) to break while I was scraping the barrel of my bank account for gifts, nothing was spare to fix this. Luckily in the new year my mum knew somebody through work that could fix it, he did for totally free. So huge props to him, total life saver.

So now I can get back into the flow of things, though I feel totally out of the loop and a little dry on inspiration with blogging. But I’ve returned to see my little space of the internet has over 100 of you awesome guys following and I’ve even had kind words letting me know that I was missed over this time.

So thanks everyone, even if you were just silently dropping by and hoping for new content. It’s really appreciated and it inspires me to keep sharing myself here.

So where can I begin? Honestly i’ve drawn to a bit of a standstill. I’ve been uninspired in every sense the last few months. Whether that’s guitar playing, song writing, blogging, any luck with jobs, any real life progress at all. Just a real pause moment on my life. I’m digging deep to get myself out of this rut, but that’s easier said than done I guess.

A little break will come. In the meantime, it’s great to be back and I hope people still drop by, I love this community that I’m so happy to be a part of.

I hope your 2014 started on more positives than mine. There’s plenty of time left for those that haven’t really started yet, just like mine.

Optimistic Pessimism

I guess I struggle to keep constant optimism, I fall into a mood of realism. I say realism, it’s borderline pessimism, I’ve just very realistic about how shitty the world can be!

I got off topic within two sentences, I’ve earned some sort of accolade for that surely? Word of warning, I’m venting before I look at any sort of bright sides. Skip a few paragraphs down for the happy shit.

But yeah, I guess I’m always on a tilt of struggling to deal with problems that I have with a lot of things. I hate the majority of people, I don’t want to be stuck working a shitty job, the last two great jobs that have came up have both been organisationally bad and show no respect for people that they interview. So even if they get back to me (As late as a month on, nobody chosen for the job. How?), do I want to work for people that fucked me around for the last month? No, but I would. So give me the job, fuckers!

I keep getting down about my body, and I really don’t do it. When I’m in a relationship and intimate with somebody, I feel great about myself. I feel confident, somebody liked me enough to be close to me. It’s always shortlived. Now that I’m on my own I just feel horrible, I don’t really think anyone would find me attractive. I’m hella skinny, and painfully aware of how little muscle tone I have.

So Callum, you sound fucking emo right now. Why aren’t you doing anything about your shit? Good question.

I’m following up with jobs on Monday, I have a list and I’m going to go on a rampage. There’s a local computer repair shop that is offering an apprenticeship too that has just came up, I’m planning on suiting up and heading in there Monday morning to chat to them. Leave a great impression before dropping my cv off, or applying online (if that’s what I really have to do, oh technology). I figure this is a good way to get across that I’d love to work for them, and I’d be front of house for them. So show how smart and presentable I am. Two birds, one stone. Yeah? Sweet.

And okay. Stop. Callum, at least a handful of girls in your life have found you attractive. I need to stop worrying don’t I, start being optimistic.. Start changing shit for myself. I’ve started doing daily pressups and situps, I’ve eaten really well (Eaten three meals a day and snacked a lot since Friday, this is a huge deal for me. Seriously). Confidence will come, I have people in my life that think a lot of me. Even find me attractive.

Sometimes I think I just need to cool my shit and stop stressing over the little things. I’m making positive steps, working towards being the person that I want to be. That’s all I can do really isn’t it..

Time is:

 

I stumbled across this quote, and found that I understood a lot of this from my own experiences.

A great deal of my life has slowed down, I’ve waited a lot of my life. I’ve lamented far too much, you could say. My celebrations have always felt cut short, generally due to going back to the vicious cycle of more waiting or lamenting.

I need to spend more time loving, loving my family, my friends, finding someone special in my life and treasuring them all. We should all treasure this the most, I feel as though I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m done waiting, done lamenting. Moving forward. I’m going to surround my life in love, and get out of the vicious cycle of unhappiness that I’ve delved into far too often so far.

Life is for finding love, it’s all I really want. It’s all I need. I need to surround myself with people that are deserving of me. Not meant in a horrible way, I just feel that I’ve spent a lot of my time being a giver. Never someone that selflessly takes. It works both ways.

I’m totally rambling now with out-loud thoughts. I guess that’s what this blog is for.

I felt like a little self reflection. But currently I think i’m in a pretty good place, I’m getting there. The future is really promising. I’m excited, I’m optimistic, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I’ve got it all under control, I promise?

Facial hair for an interview?

So I’ve been pretty heavy lately, a lot of struggling with depression, a lot of focus on negatives. But then I remember there’s ridiculously terrible and awesome things yet for me to discover. One thing I know, there’s a lot more shit to discuss and think about at the very least!

Lets take a step back and think facial hair. What degree of facial hair is acceptable in an office environment?

So I grow pretty poor, arguably patchy facial hair. I generally like to be clean shaven or very neat, I look really young without facial hair though. I mean really young. I’m just debating facial hair or no for my job interview Monday.

I’m obviously wanting to look my sharpest, make the best impression..get the job. Jesus, give me a job that I can spend my time doing and enjoy. Give me a little money so I can be a bit more comfortable. Yeah.

So: facial hair, yes or no? I really can’t decide. I figure neat facial hair is fine, but it feels like a fine line between looking good or shabby. Decisions. Welcome to my inner monologue while trying to avoid thoughts that would merely leave me in a pit of emo.

 

Today

Today for me has mainly consisted of lying in bed until fairly recently and moping. I swear I’m far too good at it. I’ve hit a weird point of thinking about my life and how it really feels like there’s so little for me. I need to find that desire and hunger for something that I can make a solid part of my life.

I’ve realised that through either pride, fear or otherwise that even my closest friends don’t know everything that’s going on in my life right now. One way or another, be it about my unhappiness, my personal struggles, my relationship failures or otherwise. I contacted the primary school that held a job for me and told them that I had been offered another role. That’s bullshit though, I just didn’t want to work there after giving it thought. I’d hate it and feel like I’m not making any forward progress.

I just don’t know where I’m going or what to do with myself right now. I should probably have a better idea right now. I just don’t.

Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Underweight

So I’m a short guy, (5″5) and really slender, last time I visited the doctors and had a basic height and weight check I was basically classed as practically anorexic on the BMI scale. Doubting that has changed. I have really high metabolism so putting weight on is pretty challenging. Since I got ill when I was about 14, I lost about a stone and haven’t really put on any weight since. I haven’t really got any left to lose either.

I realise lately that I have such a problem with eating, I just have so little motivation and find eating a chore even sometimes. I get that sounds a bit weird, it is really isn’t it? I get the feeling unless I change how I think about it I’ll always stay the same weight, it doesn’t hugely bother me but I can have some days where I’ll just feel awful about myself. Just daily eating seems to be a challenge, is it just me that feels like this about food?

It’s not that I have a massive complex about my body image or anything like that, I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin generally. I just struggle to actually eat three meals a day and have a set routine that I don’t get frustrated with.

I guess I should make more of an effort to sort this out before I waste away. As my grandma always says “That boy needs a good tatie pot!”. You can tell she’s Cumbrian haha. I need to find some way to motivate myself with a healthy combination of weight and muscle gain. I fucking hate exercise without some sort of goal though, when I was younger I lived, ate and slept football until I was told I couldn’t anymore after getting ill. I lost pretty much all of my muscle mass that I once had, I’m just scrawny now. I’d actually love to take up boxing or something similar because I could compete, but if I was put into a weight division right now I’d be fighting 14 year old girls.

I guess I still haven’t worked out how do motivate myself to be healthier. I actually get very frustrated with people that complain about being overweight when I struggle so much in my own way. Very few people really understand it and they just think that they’d rather be my weight than theirs. They’re mistaken there.