What’s new? Big steps

Hi little corner of internet, how’s it going? Good weekend?

Mine was hugely uneventful, I have like no social life (not even over-exaggerating here) since moving away from University and back “home” with my family, though it’s like 7 hours away from where I was born and raised.

I realised one thing: I haven’t touched my guitar or been singing for the last couple of months. Really awful. I need to get back doing it because it puts in a miles better place, especially to hear feedback from the odd few here that drop by to listen to my recordings. So over the next few weeks i’m going to work on the first song writing in about 6 months and just get back into my stride.

I’m starting a short (10 week maximum) English class just to pick up basic qualifications that I don’t have because I was ill when I should’ve been picking these up. I’ll be following it up with Maths too and whatever else that comes up. It’s quite..no. It’s demeaning. I’m not gonna lie. When I dropped for the initial testing and introduction class there were 4 people including myself there. Everyone else was at least 10 years older than me: one woman could barely use the pc that the test was on, one guy was Polish and didn’t speak great English.

I might come across as an arse or a hypocrite to comment on them, but I’m aware that as a 22 year old man this isn’t where I seen my path leading. Anyway, it’s a positive just to slap that on my CV and move on. It might only take me a few weeks because of the level I’m at. After say 6 years since I was being taught this stuff at school, there’s a lot of odd things you don’t actually realise that you’ve forgotten. I’ll pick it up in no time. The important thing is that I work individually and the class that I share with others doesn’t limit me in even the slightest of ways.

I mean, the biggest news is something that I’m still trying to be reserved with. But to be completely honest: I’m so fucking excited/apprehensive at the same time.

I got the job interview for ICT support technician at the local school that I was so keen for.

Now, I’ve been given the chance that I’ve been so desperate for. I deserve it, I really do. This job would be a walk in the park to be completely honest. It pays well, I could easily progress by showing the drive that I know I have in me. One thing that has always appeals to me in a job is the chance to dress well daily. I look fucking good in a suit, just saying!

There’s a writing job within the League of Legends E-sports community too that I stumbled across. The deadline is tomorrow and they want a sample piece of writing that I’ve kinda struggled writing. I was going to ask for advice here about whether or not I should go for it or just focus on the other job.

Unlike the other writing work I’ve done within gaming: this actually offers pay. It’d still only be something that I spend..I don’t know. Probably all in all a max of 12 hours a week working on combined with research. What I didn’t mention is that they’re hiring for content writers within either Korean, Chinese or Taiwanese competitive gaming scenes. I actually follow the Korean scene because it’s classed as the best in the world. I just need to do A LOT of work to learn everything I need to.

So I’m gonna spend my afternoon trying to write a respectable sample article and send off an application there too. I’m sure that I could keep up with both. If I don’t get it…well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

This has gotten a little wordy, but i’m bouncing at the minute at the thought of being given a chance by this school. I really need to smash that interview come Friday. I’ll be sure to update before then anyway.

For now, hope you’re all well with whatever part of the path you find yourself on. Keep smiling.

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The Versatile Blogger Award

So yesterday I had two notifications from two of my favourite writers letting me know that they both nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

Okay, so: Unknown facts about me, lets have a think…I share a lot with you y’know internet. Right. Uhm.

  1.  When I was little I wanted to be a jockey. I ended up only being 5″5, maybe I wasn’t even that mad to dream..
  2. In my home town a bull once escaped from the farmer’s market and strolled down the street past my brothers and I playing football.
  3. I have a lot of charming nicknames from friends / brothers that seem to stick. (Benjamin Button, Yoda, Frodo, Tina, Swampy..I could probably go on, but they’re the notable ones. You get the idea.
  4. I had long hair, right down to my arse at one point. From maybe 12 or so? to 18, it was awful. But I think more a point of being different than anything, and my parents let me do anything I wanted.
  5. I overly romanticise everything, be it from the past or thoughts of the future.
  6. I fucking hate Leonardo DiCaprio to the point of avoiding most movies he’s in for years before watching. I don’t even have a strong reason, don’t ask me.
  7. Other than sharing on the internet, I’ve only sung properly in front of two people in person. I get massive solo anxiety, even thought I played in bands in my teen years.

I came to the realisation that I don’t read as many blogs as I should. I sort of have a small amount of favourites that I stumbled upon and haven’t branched out much more. I don’t really have a top 15, I’m awful, I know.

So, these are my absolute favourites that I get excited to read with every new post they make, I love them all for varying reasons. Check them all out, because they’re brilliant in their own individual and awesome ways.

I quite commonly just quietly observe and relate to these people, I occasionally drop by with messages. I should comment more often, because I know how it’s such a nice feeling to know people are appreciating your writing.

Time is of the Essence

Queer & Confused In Cape Town

^ (These two great writers nominated me, so thank you again!)

Existentialists R Us

in the end, it’s smoke

Tired Of Dating

HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY.

LET IT GO AND LET IT BE

whiskeyinateacupp

(My latest addition is a more recent discovery, I read the line “One thing is for sure, I’m in love with love. It’s such a beautiful thing.” and from there I’m sold, reading more of this blog today!

So there are only 8 blogs that I’m currently keeping up with on a constant basic, please point me towards more great people. I clearly don’t look enough, I’ve just happened to stumble across these ones along the way.

These guys are all great writers and are really interesting people, more importantly. I’d happily grab a pint (or a whiskey, or whatever other drink of choice) with each and every one of them and have an awesome time chatting about everything and anything.

Thanks for joining me along the way and for some reason finding me amusing. It’s muchly appreciated and to those I’ve mentioned in this blog: Thanks for being awesome, keep on keeping on. I love getting to read your newest posts.

Aspiration and demotivation

I constantly want to further myself in whatever I can do, whether it’s playing guitar and singing as a hobby, songwriting (Which I suck at) or looking to find a job that I can build towards and love to do.

My biggest problem (That i’m aware of) is that I see someone that’s better than me and I get really demotivated. Yeah I know, there are lots of people that are better than me. Whether that’s E-Sports journalists, amateur singers / guitarists that I find online.

I really shouldn’t care about other people, if anything I should learn from them. I just want to do MY best with whatever I do in my life. I’m constantly on the tight rope of..not even happiness, just the balancing act of avoiding depression. I fall a lot and pick myself up, but I’ve been doing it my entire life. I can’t keep going the same way that I do like this. Something drastic has to change, I don’t even know what.

I’ll work that one out. As well as that, the company that I’m so excited to write for (I’m on a trial period) was meant to last a fortnight, that equals the same amount of time that I’ve had to wait for them to post my two articles (the second still isn’t live, it has been approved for over a week). It’s just really demotivating, I’ve been looking for other websites that I could approach to write for, or considering dropping it. The latter doesn’t last long, because I’m passionate about it. But it takes a lot of work to get into journalism for League of Legends especially. It’s a hugely over saturated market right now, I’m a raindrop in the ocean. I have nothing that puts me apart from anyone other than my determination. If I could afford a good quality microphone and a good pc I could actually create content that isn’t just written and appeal to a bigger audience. I really need to do that, but I can’t afford to do a damn thing with the low wages I’ll be on. Ugh. Sometimes things just suck, y’know?

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

My blog 1 month on

So I genuinely came into making this blog with intentions of it just being my little personal outlet, I didn’t expect a single follower. It’s kinda weird, thinking that anyone is interested in parts of my life fullstop. I mean, I’m not the most interesting person on the internet aha.

I just think it’s really interesting that anyone at all is reading my posts, people that comment in particular and chat are awesome. I love hearing from people from everywhere and anywhere new and working out similarities or differences. Supportive people are the best, I totally appreciate any positives comments.

So yeah, I guess I’m breaking my usual venting of emotions and feelings for a post just to say thanks for giving me a little unexpected positive reinforcement. It’s not the reason I write, but it’s nice to know regardless.

Motivational Wall

This always seems to happen to me. If anything “big” to me is going on in my life I have a habit of really getting down on myself with doubt and worry. It makes me realise I really have a problem with anxiety, I hate it. It’s totally overwhelming.

It gets in the way of everything I do, my blog trial for the gaming company released my first entry and I was so excited for the next two days, I still haven’t gotten much feedback from them. They seem really unorganised, but I guess I’m a trial writer for a big company and I’m only in direct contact with the content manager for the entire site.

Since then I’ve worked on drafts for two different articles in the last week, but I keep wanting it to be perfect. I’ve worked on theories and tried countless different things. I keep doubting myself, even though I know 100% that I’m an expert at League of Legends, so blogging about it is really no problem. I enjoy writing. I love writing actually. I just keep getting hung up on little details rather than a bigger picture.

That applies to a lot of scenarios though.

Today I’m going to be productive. I have no excuse not to complete my next article, and it’ll be great. I think I’ll get really good feedback from it, the article is unique and well thought out. It just scares me that I can lose motivation for things that I’m really passionate about. It scares me a lot.

The girl and the sunrise – Sharing my song lyrics

I play a lot of guitar, though I’m a very average singer, guitarist and songwriter. For once I feel like I have a good place to share my ideas, I’d love feedback on this. Please don’t hesitate, even if it’s negative.

(A little into my thought process) I had just met someone new, it was a great feeling and I found myself daydreaming about this whole perfect scenario that I kept dreaming of when we’d talk. I guess you could stay I’m still looking though.

I want the girl and the sunrise,
Hand holding on the street,
Or anywhere at all, but that’s just me.
I need luck finding her, cos she’s a rare breed,
I want the girl and the sunrise,
But maybe, that’s just me.

She doesn’t even need makeup,
To look this pretty.
She’s doesn’t even exist
but she’s so pretty.
I can’t even bear to see her
Look at another guy,
‘cos she’s all mine.

I want to walk through the snow,
or out on a beach.
I really don’t care,
I just want to get free,
from anything of at all that drags me down.
I want the girl and the sunrise
but maybe that’s just me.

She doesn’t even have a clue
That’s she’s so pretty .
I can’t stop telling her,
‘cos she’s so pretty.
I can’t even believe that
she’s giving me her time,
I just don’t know why.

Just right now
I really wanna see her,
Drive anywhere,
Get me right out of here.
But i can’t drive, and she’s not here
I want the girl and the sunrise
but maybe that’s just me.