Today

Today for me has mainly consisted of lying in bed until fairly recently and moping. I swear I’m far too good at it. I’ve hit a weird point of thinking about my life and how it really feels like there’s so little for me. I need to find that desire and hunger for something that I can make a solid part of my life.

I’ve realised that through either pride, fear or otherwise that even my closest friends don’t know everything that’s going on in my life right now. One way or another, be it about my unhappiness, my personal struggles, my relationship failures or otherwise. I contacted the primary school that held a job for me and told them that I had been offered another role. That’s bullshit though, I just didn’t want to work there after giving it thought. I’d hate it and feel like I’m not making any forward progress.

I just don’t know where I’m going or what to do with myself right now. I should probably have a better idea right now. I just don’t.

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Like a stone

I don’t even realise that I’m doing it, but I keep just putting a brave face on. I literally have nobody that I feel okay sharing my feelings with right now. I don’t even really know how I’m supposed to feel, it’s kinda bizarre. I’m generally the guy that wears his heart on his sleeve and is a pretty open book.

I’m wishing that I at least had some guidance notes from whoever is writing my story, I could at least plaguerise my future for a better outcome. That’d be a bit too easy though eh?

I just feel totally drained and knocked on my arse right now. I need a stepping stone along my way that I’m just not seeing right now.

Just like a bus..

In timely fashion in my life, after searching for 2 months for a job. Last week I had my first job interview, I get an email today that I have another one for my preferred job. After already being offered and accepting the first job. I’m meant to start Monday for job 1, the interview for job 2 is on Tuesday. Seriously who is writing my script?

My parents are super supporting though thankfully. I spent the whole day stressing about what to do, hence no blogging today until now actually.

So I came to the conclusion of going for Job 2 and giving Job 1 a “Thankyou, but no thankyou” by using simple logic:

(Job 1: Primary School Administration apprenticeship. Job 2: Digital Marketing Co-ordinator apprenticeship)

  • Job 2 pays almost double, though still very little (£180ish a week) compared to job 1.
  • Job 2 would give me a qualification in creative and digital media, rather than administration that job 1 offers me.
  • Job 2 offers the future prospect of taking over from the existing digital marketing co-ordinator.
  • Job 1 has a possibility of full time employment, no real progression.

I think I’ve thought it over so much that I’m still trying to justify going for the interview and accepting that the other job isn’t for me, it’s just a job that I wanted out of worry about unemployment. I don’t want to end up unhappy in a job that I don’t want to do.

Most importantly I don’t want to commit another year to looking for a qualification to fit me, or that would be applicable in the future for me. I still feel really weird doing this, I better get over that and do as great in the interview on Tuesday as I did in my last one.

I want that job! I’m looking forward to interviewing for it actually, I need to try to avoid putting pressure on myself over it. If I don’t get it, I don’t get it. The world won’t end, there are tons of other jobs. Even while typing this my head is freaking out and worrying that if I don’t get it I won’t find anything else. God I suck. Wish me luck!

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

Timing

Timing is the time when something happens or the spacing of events in time.

The definition of timing that I prefer when I looked for one is the way that timing is used in music:

The ability to “keep time” accurately and to synchronise to an ensemble

 

Timing has always been a big fixture in my life, generally bad. In many different contexts: Health, relationships and studies in particular.

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (https://melancholycontemplation.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/living-with-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/). This happened when I was playing football constantly and any other sport that was happening, and loving it. I was in a band, spending every weekend with friends and being a fairly average aspirational teen. I got really ill, my life went to a total stand still. Bad timing.

With the only relationships I’ve had that I’d even value enough to mention, both girls in these two relationships were still invested in their exes and things were messy. Awful timing.

Lets put it this way, patience is a trait that I’ve learned to have buckets of. I’ve had to learn to otherwise I’d be in such a bad place right now, I’d probably still be bed-bound after pushing myself too far and getting exhausted. I’d like to think there’s some reward for patience. I think there is. There’s never perfect timing, for me anyway. Maybe I’ll just get to a point in my life and everything will line up. For now, patience is key, timing is awful. I’m okay with that.