Today

Today for me has mainly consisted of lying in bed until fairly recently and moping. I swear I’m far too good at it. I’ve hit a weird point of thinking about my life and how it really feels like there’s so little for me. I need to find that desire and hunger for something that I can make a solid part of my life.

I’ve realised that through either pride, fear or otherwise that even my closest friends don’t know everything that’s going on in my life right now. One way or another, be it about my unhappiness, my personal struggles, my relationship failures or otherwise. I contacted the primary school that held a job for me and told them that I had been offered another role. That’s bullshit though, I just didn’t want to work there after giving it thought. I’d hate it and feel like I’m not making any forward progress.

I just don’t know where I’m going or what to do with myself right now. I should probably have a better idea right now. I just don’t.

Like a stone

I don’t even realise that I’m doing it, but I keep just putting a brave face on. I literally have nobody that I feel okay sharing my feelings with right now. I don’t even really know how I’m supposed to feel, it’s kinda bizarre. I’m generally the guy that wears his heart on his sleeve and is a pretty open book.

I’m wishing that I at least had some guidance notes from whoever is writing my story, I could at least plaguerise my future for a better outcome. That’d be a bit too easy though eh?

I just feel totally drained and knocked on my arse right now. I need a stepping stone along my way that I’m just not seeing right now.

Just like a bus..

In timely fashion in my life, after searching for 2 months for a job. Last week I had my first job interview, I get an email today that I have another one for my preferred job. After already being offered and accepting the first job. I’m meant to start Monday for job 1, the interview for job 2 is on Tuesday. Seriously who is writing my script?

My parents are super supporting though thankfully. I spent the whole day stressing about what to do, hence no blogging today until now actually.

So I came to the conclusion of going for Job 2 and giving Job 1 a “Thankyou, but no thankyou” by using simple logic:

(Job 1: Primary School Administration apprenticeship. Job 2: Digital Marketing Co-ordinator apprenticeship)

• Job 2 pays almost double, though still very little (£180ish a week) compared to job 1.
• Job 2 would give me a qualification in creative and digital media, rather than administration that job 1 offers me.
• Job 2 offers the future prospect of taking over from the existing digital marketing co-ordinator.
• Job 1 has a possibility of full time employment, no real progression.

I think I’ve thought it over so much that I’m still trying to justify going for the interview and accepting that the other job isn’t for me, it’s just a job that I wanted out of worry about unemployment. I don’t want to end up unhappy in a job that I don’t want to do.

Most importantly I don’t want to commit another year to looking for a qualification to fit me, or that would be applicable in the future for me. I still feel really weird doing this, I better get over that and do as great in the interview on Tuesday as I did in my last one.

I want that job! I’m looking forward to interviewing for it actually, I need to try to avoid putting pressure on myself over it. If I don’t get it, I don’t get it. The world won’t end, there are tons of other jobs. Even while typing this my head is freaking out and worrying that if I don’t get it I won’t find anything else. God I suck. Wish me luck!

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

Nicest Thing – Kate Nash

I’m currently listening to one of my favourite songs, I associate a lot of feelings and even memories to this song.

 

Timing

Timing is the time when something happens or the spacing of events in time.

The definition of timing that I prefer when I looked for one is the way that timing is used in music:

The ability to “keep time” accurately and to synchronise to an ensemble

 

Timing has always been a big fixture in my life, generally bad. In many different contexts: Health, relationships and studies in particular.

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (https://melancholycontemplation.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/living-with-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/). This happened when I was playing football constantly and any other sport that was happening, and loving it. I was in a band, spending every weekend with friends and being a fairly average aspirational teen. I got really ill, my life went to a total stand still. Bad timing.

With the only relationships I’ve had that I’d even value enough to mention, both girls in these two relationships were still invested in their exes and things were messy. Awful timing.

Lets put it this way, patience is a trait that I’ve learned to have buckets of. I’ve had to learn to otherwise I’d be in such a bad place right now, I’d probably still be bed-bound after pushing myself too far and getting exhausted. I’d like to think there’s some reward for patience. I think there is. There’s never perfect timing, for me anyway. Maybe I’ll just get to a point in my life and everything will line up. For now, patience is key, timing is awful. I’m okay with that.

Vanilla Twilight

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear:
“Oh darling, I wish you were here”

Perception

The last week in particular has opened my eyes a little and made me realise that I’m pessimistic, I thought I was a realist but I think I’ve slipped into having a skewed view of myself.
The way I thought people view me is this short, nerdy guy that’s really awkward, average looking at best and I generally thought my personality is my only good trait, which people would never initially even see.To put it generally anyway. It’s fairly clear when I write that down that I don’t think all that much of myself huh, I didn’t realise I put myself down that much until it’s written down in front of me to see for myself.

I worked at V-festival over the weekend. It was a crappy litter picking job, I did it last year too. I have spare time in a shift to see the odd acts that I want to see and get paid along the way. Can’t really complain. This year I got to see Eddie Izzard and The Vaccines in particular. Because of where I worked I heard from a ton of DJs and seen so many people off their face while I was sober as a judge.

Anyway, off the point entirely. The way I perceive myself, right. The point I was getting to is that while I worked there I was constantly surrounded by around 50 other staff members doing various things, all of which I’d class as more respectable jobs than the crap I was doing. I realised that I’m a confident guy that is really easy to talk to. I’m kind, I’m thoughtful and understanding. I’m compassionate. People like me when they meet me. I can be sarcastic, I honestly think that’s the only thing people don’t always like about me.

So I guess this weekend made me realise that I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, I’m definitely not the teenager I was. I’m definitely not perceived how I still expect to be for some reason, I probably never was either.

The way people perceive you isn’t always what you expect, don’t be a pessimist like me. At the end of the day, there’s only one thing you can concentrate on. I know for sure it isn’t worrying about what other people think of you, or how you’ll be judged daily. People judge based on multiple things, appearance, how you sound, what they already know about you. Simple, petty things sometimes.

The only thing you can do to change how you are perceived is to not even think about it and to concentrate on being the best version of you that you can be. As long as you do that and find your own happiness, well I think that people will see that.

You are appreciated, you are worth care and attention that you crave one way or another. You’ll find it. I’m not saying that people won’t judge you along the way or that nobody will think you’re a dick. But that’s life.

I definitely have a better idea of how I’m perceived now, feels like a weird realisation but one worthy of sharing and thinking about.

Somewhere new

I’ve been thinking a lot, other than family and close friends, there’s nothing here for me on this little island that I’ve spent my life on. (The United Kingdom, nowhere special)

What’s keeping me here? I’m definitely not planning on spending my life here, the idea of just picking a place and moving is so daunting, but so exciting. I think I’d love the states, hey, I won’t know if I don’t find out eh?

I get tired of familiar places, I feel trapped and it gets me really down. I have no drive to make new friends in this new place just because I’ve had to move back here with my parents. I have friends, they’re awesome. Yeah they’re not here, that sucks. They’re still in my life, though.

For now, I think this fits my current thought process quite well.

Though to be honest, people in Southern England can find my accent quite amusing. It’d be funny to see how Americans dealt with a Northern Englishman and his Cumbrian accent!

Some days are hard

It can take only a little thing to ruin my day sometimes, I can run from shadows as long as I like, but it’s dark once a day. Overwhelming darkness enveloping me is just so unavoidable. Some days this feeling is just in the back of my mind, even smiles are attainable. Days like today I verge on breaking into tears if someone just looks at me the wrong way.

My life feels so fragile, and yet so worthless at the same time. I want these feelings to go, I want to get away from these feelings. I’m carrying this stupid, needless weight with me daily and not trying to offload it at all. I can give people advice all day, but dealing with my own problems is too hard.

So for now until I work out the answer to the questions I have in my life, I’ll have to stay with this darkness over me.

Days like this just make me wonder why I’m here, I need to find my own reason. All that I’m aware of now is how painfully lost I am right now.