The night before

So I slept in for my train, not even a little bit. By well over an hour. I woke up about 12:20 and just went FUCK. Slept through 4 alarms and my Dad didn’t realise when I was meant to be leaving so didn’t wake me. FUCK. I got a birthday card today from my grandparents with a £40 cheque, now that’s just going to go to paying for sleeping in essentially. FUCK. I’m pretty mad that I managed to do this, but I should just breathe for a minute.

Last night I ended up on Skype with Emily in the late hours, and neither of us really wanted to hang up. She was really upset over a group of things going on where she’s living at uni and I wanted to do my best to at least try to cheer her up. I think I managed, apparently it isn’t just her that has the uncanny ability to make the other one smile. Which makes me really happy. She sang to me over Skype, her voice just melts me. I was just sitting here wishing I was there and missing her so much.

On my journey I’ll finish writing that letter that I’ve drafted so many times. I won’t be seeing her this weekend, but time and space are important I think. For both of us. I just miss her, even just seeing her. I vividly remember the way my hand feels on her waist, and the first time that I put it there. We were playing spin the bottle, I was oblivious to the fact that she had a crush on me and she actually pulled away (This was maybe the third or so time the bottle had landed on the two of us..). That makes a lot more sense now I guess.

But i’m rambling, I suppose that’s what I do.

I can’t afford to buy an overpriced last minute train ticket, but I can get a train, a tube and then a coach for not too much £30-£35. UGH. Which I don’t need to spend right now, but I already have the set time for a return ticket on Monday. I’m going to go enjoy my weekend just as I planned to.

Here’s a beautiful song, enjoy your weekends.

 

 

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Another mini-break

So tomorrow I was planning to go celebrate my birthday with a big blow out of sorts with all of my favourite people in this world  – friends made in university.

Though it turns out everyone is really busy this week, friends working and so on. I actually don’t mind too much. Unlike last visit, I won’t be feeling spread so thin. My plan is to hang with two of my best mates, either together or at separate times. Grab a brief coffee with another before he has to dash (we chat on the phone occasionally and pick up things where we left off regardless of the gap in time).

I’m planning on having a few pints, a good catch up. Followed by staying over with another mate, the plan is just to wake up and spend a lazy saturday smoking weed and watching films, tv shows, cartoons and whatever other crap we stumble across together. I really can’t wait. I don’t really get high too often, but it’s a good release. I just want to chill and feel that ease in my life for a short while before I really start making progress. I have so many things to do.

I’m not going to see Emily this weekend, she’s back home visiting her family. In a way it’s a good thing, we both need the space. In another I’m just really sad that I can’t at least steal a little time, or just a hug, even just take her hand in mine for that brief passing second.

She Skype called me today for my birthday, it was really nice just to have that time. I had a constant smile on my face that only she can bring out of me whenever she wants to. I feel like a better person when she’s with me, one way or another.

As much as I wore a huge grin through our entire chat, I just had a huge lump in my throat too. I promised her I would write her a letter, I’ve destroyed a small tree worth of paper with letters that nobody will read. I’m going to just finish a letter and send it, I might drop it by while she isn’t there so it’s waiting. I need to stop being a coward, essentially!

But anyway, I got off on a total tangent. I do that a lot eh? I need this break, I need a little recharge. No more boundaries that I can’t tackle, none of that bullshit. Moving forward.

Online Dating thoughts

So lately I’ve been getting a little bit disheartened and lacking motivation with this. Don’t get me wrong, there are some really nice girls that I’ve got along with just fine, but I guess I’m not okay with fine. I haven’t really met someone yet that I would actually be excited to meet, if that makes sense. It did in my head. Probably just sounds like I’m being super picky and dumb.

I mean, I’m 21. I’m not going to let it bother me or try to force something for the sake of it. Focusing on myself and my own happiness is still pretty much number one focus for me.

Anyway yeah, I’ve met a lot of really lovely American girls through this site, I’ve realised that I love meeting new people and finding out about even little things they do that are different, just how someone on the other side of the world lives their life. When it comes to girls that live vaguely close to me (London included), because of where I live, nobody is immediately close to me and it puts me off meeting someone I guess.

I’m considering meeting up with a couple of girls, one is really into me, though she has a young kid which I’m still not sure what I think about. I don’t really want to put name tags to these girls, I guess I’ll avoid doing that, as much as I could think of a few witty nicknames for some of them!

I’ve spoken to another girl quite a lot, we seem to get along fine. The problem is that you just don’t know if there’s any chemistry without meeting someone, and she seems really off about meeting up. Which sucks, but her loss I guess. Not worth my effort I figure.

A couple days ago when I was pretty much losing all interest in this endeavour I got a message from this absolute stunner, to put it bluntly. We have tons in common, she loves that I play guitar, she seems really into me and pretty forward about it. It caught me off guard but I like it. The idea of my first date as a result of the whole online dating experience still feels a little daunting. If i’m travelling into London to meet someone for the day, I think I just want to be sure I won’t have a nightmare of a time and be sure I have some sort of connection before hand.

Rather than just instant messaging and small talking she just wants to Skype. I won’t hold my breath, but maybe I won’t give up on this online dating lark just yet. A girl that knows what she wants, why do I feel like that’s a rare characteristic of women that have been in my life?