Dangerously underweight

I weighed myself this week and realised that i’ve lost about half a stone in the space of around three months. I’m 7 and a half stone, or 105 pounds (I think?) for those that use pounds. I lost a lot of weight when I was ill and slowly built back up to around 8 and a half stone. So realising that i’ve lost this much weight not only scares me, but it disgusts me.

I just checked my BMI before this, as a sort of reference:

BMI

My self confidence is literally at an all time low. I don’t even think I could physically be with anyone the way that I feel right now, it’s a good job I’m hopelessly single eh? I can see my rib cage clearer than ever. It’s just horrible. There’s literally no way anyone can find me attractive as I am. I genuinely believe that.

I wanted this to be my point where I’ve realised and accepted that I need to bulk up a little and at least find a healthy weight. I think my target should be around 9 stone. The motivation is simply that I hate my body more than I ever have, it can’t stay this way.

I hate to be one to complain (Yet I do it a lot huh, ironic), but I’m sick of people that are overweight complaining. It costs you nothing, you probably save money eating healthier and exercising. For me – I get exhausted, terrible muscle and joint pain for days after a simple run. I can’t afford to eat my body weight in KFC (as much as I’d love to), and I have no sympathy for you. Like at all. My situation is so much worse, and i’m probably as unhealthy as you.

What actually bugs me more is how much I struggle to gain weight compared to how easy it is to lose weight, yet there’s half a Tesco full of low fat bullshit. I have to dig around to find anything that is full fat or simply not just low fat. Ugh. Yeah i’m done ranting, I just hate the way society approaches the topic.

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Job interview and self confidence

I got to do one of my favourite things today, I got to suit up.

If I could wear suits every day for the rest of my life, I totally would. I always feel great, some people think I look great too. To a degree, I share that opinion. Though that makes me sound anything but modest. I had a job interview that would normally feel really daunting and scary, but you know what? It wasn’t at all.

I just went into it and decided just to show the employers my personality. I just wanted to make them laugh and show that I’m a great person to be around. It’s far from my ideal job, probably not what I’d want to be doing. I would be settling, but I need something right now. I still feel like I’d be rushing into something that didn’t fit me very well. If they call me in the next few days to offer me the job, I have absolutely no idea how I’ll respond.

It’s an admin job, the same primary school listed an ICT technician job too, which I’d probably prefer. Though neither would be challenging in an academic or mental way. I feel good about how the interview went.

The woman asked me what my i’d say my biggest accomplishment is, it totally stumped me..I answered with this:

Well, I once came second in a Donkey Derby when I was younger.

I totally killed them, and then answered it straight. But I’d already accomplished what I went there for: to get a little of my personality across and have fun with it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t constantly joke or come across badly. I did myself total justice and the two women interviewing me really liked me.

I asked to be put forward for the ICT technician role too, I think it’ll suit me better. I think they know that too. I have no idea whether or not they’ll hire me, I guess i’ll find out soon enough. Their decision could shape my short term future, that’s really odd to realise. Scary.

I wish I could just move back to Newport with my best friends, so many people I love there. I just can’t do it, my head rules my heart on that one sadly. Short term I’d be the happiest guy around, longer term I’d do myself and anyone around me damage by doing it I think. Which is a shame for more than one reason, but mainly for one reason.