Time is:

 

I stumbled across this quote, and found that I understood a lot of this from my own experiences.

A great deal of my life has slowed down, I’ve waited a lot of my life. I’ve lamented far too much, you could say. My celebrations have always felt cut short, generally due to going back to the vicious cycle of more waiting or lamenting.

I need to spend more time loving, loving my family, my friends, finding someone special in my life and treasuring them all. We should all treasure this the most, I feel as though I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m done waiting, done lamenting. Moving forward. I’m going to surround my life in love, and get out of the vicious cycle of unhappiness that I’ve delved into far too often so far.

Life is for finding love, it’s all I really want. It’s all I need. I need to surround myself with people that are deserving of me. Not meant in a horrible way, I just feel that I’ve spent a lot of my time being a giver. Never someone that selflessly takes. It works both ways.

I’m totally rambling now with out-loud thoughts. I guess that’s what this blog is for.

I felt like a little self reflection. But currently I think i’m in a pretty good place, I’m getting there. The future is really promising. I’m excited, I’m optimistic, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I’ve got it all under control, I promise?

Another mini-break

So tomorrow I was planning to go celebrate my birthday with a big blow out of sorts with all of my favourite people in this world  – friends made in university.

Though it turns out everyone is really busy this week, friends working and so on. I actually don’t mind too much. Unlike last visit, I won’t be feeling spread so thin. My plan is to hang with two of my best mates, either together or at separate times. Grab a brief coffee with another before he has to dash (we chat on the phone occasionally and pick up things where we left off regardless of the gap in time).

I’m planning on having a few pints, a good catch up. Followed by staying over with another mate, the plan is just to wake up and spend a lazy saturday smoking weed and watching films, tv shows, cartoons and whatever other crap we stumble across together. I really can’t wait. I don’t really get high too often, but it’s a good release. I just want to chill and feel that ease in my life for a short while before I really start making progress. I have so many things to do.

I’m not going to see Emily this weekend, she’s back home visiting her family. In a way it’s a good thing, we both need the space. In another I’m just really sad that I can’t at least steal a little time, or just a hug, even just take her hand in mine for that brief passing second.

She Skype called me today for my birthday, it was really nice just to have that time. I had a constant smile on my face that only she can bring out of me whenever she wants to. I feel like a better person when she’s with me, one way or another.

As much as I wore a huge grin through our entire chat, I just had a huge lump in my throat too. I promised her I would write her a letter, I’ve destroyed a small tree worth of paper with letters that nobody will read. I’m going to just finish a letter and send it, I might drop it by while she isn’t there so it’s waiting. I need to stop being a coward, essentially!

But anyway, I got off on a total tangent. I do that a lot eh? I need this break, I need a little recharge. No more boundaries that I can’t tackle, none of that bullshit. Moving forward.

Chuck

Chuck is one of my favourite ever tv shows, I could rewatch it multiple times. I’ve seen the whole lot twice. It’s not just because I want to steal Yvonne Strahovski away for myself either, but I definitely would. I’ve genuinely cried at times watching it, yeah I’m manly as fuck. It doesn’t really bother me to admit that to you, internet.

If you haven’t seen Chuck, just take my word for it and watch it. It has everything. Action, romance, drama, comedy. Totally mixed bag of awesome.

I realised when rewatching some scenes that there are so many songs used on Chuck that just bring out the perfect emotions and fit so well. Whoever was in charge of the music was brilliant.

Bon Iver – Creature Fear

This makes me want to run away and share this sort of intimate moment waking up holding that special someone. I just love this scene, I love this song too for similar reasons.

If you don’t want major spoilers and intend to watch it, don’t watch the next video!

The final scene of the show. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking. I genuinely got emotional watching it again, wow. I’m really in a weird mood tonight. I’m just such a hopeless romantic, stuff like this totally hits home I guess. They want the little cottage with the picket fence and just…ugh. Yeah. I relate in a lot of ways to the fictional relationship, how weird.

The Head And The Heart – Rivers And Roads

 

 

 

Anticipation

So, I’ve found someone that I’ve been hoping to find for a long time. It’s such a great feeling. Being miles away from someone that you want to be with so much is really difficult. And as i’ve mentioned on many occasions I’m sure, timing is never on my side. This isn’t an exception to that rule, sadly. I wish it was.

Right now I’m just craving you, your smile as you see me, holding you and embracing you for the first time since before summer. There was so much tension the last time we were together. I’d like to consider myself a gentleman, being a homewrecker is more what I feel like. I know I’m not, her relationship wasn’t going well before any of this, I’m not that guy. I promise.

In less than a fortnight I’ll get to see you. I’m really anxious, nervous and excited. Mainly excited. I’ve thought through possible scenarios, daydreamed of the moments we’ll be sharing so soon. It can’t come soon enough for me. I want to kiss you. I want to feel my skin against yours. I just want to be close.

 

Waiting is the most difficult thing, the long phone calls we share make me feel a lot better about things. I realise that we’re thinking the same things. I hope that I can live upto expectations, I know that you will.

Update

I normally game quite a lot, it’s kinda my outlet and I put a lot of time into it. I really enjoy it, I’d love nothing more than to have a job within E-Sports. I write frequent blogs about League of Legends over for Team Dignitas. (My second blog post has been approved and will go live any day now, I’m really excited about it)

The last week I’ve probably not spent over an hour playing games, I’ve watched a few professional games (I do my homework for blog posts and ideas, I like to stay upto date. Yeah I’m nerdy and passionate about it). I’ve been quite focused on finding a job, pretty much any job I suppose. Just my first little stepping stone of my life. I’m really distracted though. Relationship stuff will always take my focus even if there’s just a tiny shine of something in the vast dark night sky of my thoughts.

People that I spent my last three years with are graduating. I’m taking this as my hint to leave social media alone to avoid depression from taking over. I’m more disappointed at myself for how I didn’t graduate. Yet I’m proud of myself for taking things into my own hands and getting out of a miserable, dark place that I had gotten myself into.

The main reason that I’m sad about my position right now is because I’ve left everyone except my family that has been such a huge part of my life over the last three years. I’ll be visiting as much as I physically can, but if I’m working then it’ll only be odd weekends. That’s heartbreaking for me.

When I get to visit my old friends, I’m going to be so torn. There’ll be so much that I miss, so much to catch up on. Not enough time. More importantly, there’s one girl that I want to steal away for myself. It’s actually only her attention that I want. I hate myself for making a huge decision to seek happiness elsewhere. I take it back, I hate the timing of things and what could have been. If things are meant to work, it won’t be easy. I’ve never been in the position of a long distance relationship. Totally scary, but I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for this girl. I’d be blogging about anything else that’s on my mind if there was anything else in my mind to share.

I just can’t wait to see her when I get off of the coach or train and see her beautiful face waiting to see me. I just can’t wait for that moment. From there, lets just see how things go.

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

Hand Written Letters

Sending letters between loved ones is something that I’ve always thought of as one of the most romantic ways to show someone you care about that they’re still with you. Even if they can’t physically be with you right now.

When my parents were about my age (Early twenties) my mum moved to Turkey for almost a year to work as a nanny for a family over there. Their only points of contact were rare phonecalls and letters. Though I’ve never sent any personal letters like this (hell I haven’t sent any letters in my recent memory fullstop), I think it’s so intimate and shows so much caring for someone.

So yesterday I received a totally unexpected letter, I mean I had no idea. We’d talked about sending letters to each other and how much I’d love that, she’d actually read me a letter that she had wanted to send me. She had decided that it couldn’t really wait and the phonecall at the time was heading in a similar direction anyway so the contents came up.

It was short, sweet, simple. I feel really lucky. 

It feels like a totally new concept for me to have someone in my life that I spend so long thinking about. Times we’ve spent together, how things are now, what the future could hold. Nice things, scary things, beautiful things.

I want someone in my life that I care about, that I think about so often. I want someone that reciprocates the feelings and care that I show for them. I’m anxious and excited about what the future could hold. Though I feel really selfish right now to say it.

She’s everything I want, everything I need. I want to be that for her too. I can be, as well.

Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Vanilla Twilight

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear:
“Oh darling, I wish you were here”

I must be difficult to be friends with

I can have “bad days” with M.E, I can get ill like someone else would and it knocks me on my ass. I can spend a week or two doing nothing, I don’t mean like some people do “nothing” and it turns out to be a lot. I mean nothing, barely leaving bed, becoming a hermit. It totally sucks, but it comes with my illness. I’ve accepted it, it can just be hard for some friends to tolerate or get used to.

Friends that have known me anywhere past six months just know it’s part of who I am, it’s not intentional, and I can’t help it. My biggest problem is that I ignore my phone and social media when I’m not feeling myself, or when I’m feeling depressed. I just shut myself off until I’m feeling better. Which I guess can be difficult.

I have some great friends who it doesn’t bother. At one point in the majority of my friendships it has been a problem at some point, generally when I’ve been in a state of relapsing and taking backwards steps (Happened after a messy breakup). So I guess the friends that haven’t seen me at my worst just think I’m being an arsehole, but it’s actually just my way of dealing with my own problem. Kinda sucks that it becomes a secondary problem that I need to explain it so much and try to give friends more understanding.

I get why it would be annoying though from the other side. Just wish I could swap this illness over to a friend on one of my bad days and give them the perspective they never actually get, even though they try to understand.