Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Past, Present and Future

I remember back when I was only fifteen, I had one of my first girlfriends. Our relationship was one of those weird, shy, a lot of text chatting and online chatting. I was into Blink-182 at the time, yeah I was one of those losers, and my band played “All the small things”, for my birthday, she actually left me roses by the stairs (as the lyrics in the song go). I was mortified, to be honest. It’s really funny, I look back and I’d say this girl cared more about me that any others have, in my mind. She probably has no idea who I am, realistically. I found out that she recently got married, which I felt really odd about. Mainly just made me feel quite down.

Anyway, I’m too good at rambling.

What I was more trying to touch on was that I’ve only had two really “meaningful” relationships, both since I went to University. The only two girls that I’ve slept with, which I pride myself on, rather than shy away from that fact. Some people react like it’s a bad thing, being a “lad” that has only slept with two girls even though he’s 21. Fuck the guys that react like that though, to be blunt.

Anyway, I’m trying to give a little insight along the way, to give some context to my thinking out loud here. Essentially over a span of almost three years, I had two relationships. In that time, I was cheated on by both of them. I’ve came to the conclusion I’m too nice, but that just makes me think that if I attract girls that want to treat me like this..I’m just going to stay lonely.

Maybe I’m a pessimist. I’m probably just realistic. 

Really recently, a friend that I only met because of my now ex turns out to be the best thing to come out of that failed relationship. She’s the best, and we’re so alike in so many ways, including what we want from our lives. Of course, like any girl that thinks highly of me, or even notices me for that matter. She’s taken, those two are great together. Trying to avoid difficult, uncomfortable conversations with someone you’re so close to is hard. Especially when you both clearly care about each other. Also, distancing myself from being the guy that the girlfriend vents to about their boyfriend. That’s a bad position to get comfortable being in.

Maybe in ten years time I’ll read this and just think “You asshole, you were so lame”. I kinda hope that happens!

It’s just really lonely, I live in Essex now. After University I’m back living with my parents, hours and hours away from where I was born and raised. I don’t know anyone that lives here but my brother and parents. It’s real lonely, I’m still looking for work. I’m totally cut off from anything social, there’s no way of meeting new people at my age that’s not creepy, is there?

I genuinely can’t think of any! It’s real weird, any ideas or experiences similar to hear about would be really interesting to hear.

Anyway, my future can be as bright as I make it. With a little look and perseverance along the way. I’m really good at self deprecation apparently and feel really lonely right now. Soon enough I’ll hopefully be posting about feeling at home here, or having found someone amazing.

But for right now, the future’s an unpainted canvas. Better keep dreaming.