A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

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A new song cover

I just sat down and recorded this, the song has been stuck in my head constantly for the last week.

I’m in quite a weird place right now that seems to vary from day to day, sometimes I don’t even really feel like sharing myself to anyone. Nobody needs to hear a lot of my thoughts. I’m still a work in progress, I need to remember that. In every sense. I need to focus on being a happy individual before anyone else is a big part of my life.

Nice to meet you

I feel like for a personal blog, sharing so many intimate thoughts and feelings is a little strange when keeping things totally anonymous. I love that I feel so comfortable around such a positive, friendly and warm community around me. It’s small, I know. But I feel weird about hiding so much of myself when I give everything else away.

Blogging is a great experience, it’s great to meet everyone that has already dropped by: anyone who is interested enough to follow, anyone that cares enough to drop comments and share themselves with me. We’re all here for our own reasons, I guess I want to let my guard down on that level.

I’m Callum. It’s amazing to have met everyone that I have so far, and if you’re new here: It’s great to meet you 🙂

Hand Written Letters

Sending letters between loved ones is something that I’ve always thought of as one of the most romantic ways to show someone you care about that they’re still with you. Even if they can’t physically be with you right now.

When my parents were about my age (Early twenties) my mum moved to Turkey for almost a year to work as a nanny for a family over there. Their only points of contact were rare phonecalls and letters. Though I’ve never sent any personal letters like this (hell I haven’t sent any letters in my recent memory fullstop), I think it’s so intimate and shows so much caring for someone.

So yesterday I received a totally unexpected letter, I mean I had no idea. We’d talked about sending letters to each other and how much I’d love that, she’d actually read me a letter that she had wanted to send me. She had decided that it couldn’t really wait and the phonecall at the time was heading in a similar direction anyway so the contents came up.

It was short, sweet, simple. I feel really lucky. 

Snapshot_20130903_9

It feels like a totally new concept for me to have someone in my life that I spend so long thinking about. Times we’ve spent together, how things are now, what the future could hold. Nice things, scary things, beautiful things.

I want someone in my life that I care about, that I think about so often. I want someone that reciprocates the feelings and care that I show for them. I’m anxious and excited about what the future could hold. Though I feel really selfish right now to say it.

She’s everything I want, everything I need. I want to be that for her too. I can be, as well.

Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Acceptance

So I recently shared my “anonymous” blog with three people. One that I’d just met through OkCupid that I’ve previously mentioned, she was interested in what I blogged about, she’s maybe reading this I guess! Well hey, it’s quite nice to share such a personal insight into myself in a way, though it’s daunting and I feel that I’m probably being judged. Ah well!

I also shared it with two of my closest friends that know me so well that I don’t think anything personal I’ve shared will really bother them, I don’t worry that they’ll think any less of me, or think of me differently. One has been my friend for so long and she helped me through so much, my lowest lows. I actually realised after sharing it with her that I’ve almost taken some of my thought processes and approaches to certain parts of life from her. I can’t thank her enough for that to be honest, I remember she told me once that I pretty much became a man over the time we got to know each other to more recently. (Or words to that effect anyway)

The other friend I shared it with is actually a newer friend, I’ve never once thought of her that way because we’re so similar and we were instantly comfortable around each other in pretty much every way. It’s so rare to find someone that you just fit with, I cherish it and value it so much. Friends that I’ve trusted enough to share my inner monologue of positives and negatives spewed out onto these blog pages are friends that I hope I’m lucky enough to keep through the rest of my life.

I guess I’ve realised that this is actually a small insight into me that I’ve opened up to very few people. I’m happy that I’m not embarrassed or scared to share this with at least some people, baby steps eh.

Somewhere new

I’ve been thinking a lot, other than family and close friends, there’s nothing here for me on this little island that I’ve spent my life on. (The United Kingdom, nowhere special)

What’s keeping me here? I’m definitely not planning on spending my life here, the idea of just picking a place and moving is so daunting, but so exciting. I think I’d love the states, hey, I won’t know if I don’t find out eh?

I get tired of familiar places, I feel trapped and it gets me really down. I have no drive to make new friends in this new place just because I’ve had to move back here with my parents. I have friends, they’re awesome. Yeah they’re not here, that sucks. They’re still in my life, though.

For now, I think this fits my current thought process quite well.

Though to be honest, people in Southern England can find my accent quite amusing. It’d be funny to see how Americans dealt with a Northern Englishman and his Cumbrian accent!