So I realised that I haven’t posted today, or yesterday. Or whatever, I sort of lost track of days and what’s going on.

I guess I just had nada to say, now it’s gone 1 o clock and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time. So I better share them, eh? That was why I started this blog in the first place.

My older brother has been visiting, I haven’t seen him in over a year. It’s not weird at all, we hang out, we talk about football, or films, or tv. That’s pretty much how it goes, I have a lot of negative feelings towards him. Over the last year we’ve spoken on the phone once, it’s very strange. He’s very distant. I’ll tell the story another time I guess. But I’m a lot closer to my younger brother, as much as I love them both. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long story. I’ll get to it some time.

I spent longer than I’d have expected to at the council offices today. It was my whole signing on day so I get money for being a jobless fucker (Still waiting to hear from my latest interview, they’ll call me Monday. They said that last Monday too. Awful)  The woman that sees me really gets along with me, we just spent about 10 minutes chatting about her son, and allsorts. It’s nice to make essentially a stranger smile. A rewarding feeling to feel like you’ve left a mark on someone’s day with no negative impact on your day.

I actually spent 10-15 minutes waiting in an unusually busy council office. It’s normally empty, there was an elderly lady with her grandson that was 4 as well as a couple with a baby. I felt really old, and totally self reflective on what I want in the near future. This little guy was called Tyler, and I think I must have just given him a huge grin as I sat down or something, this 4 year old kid in a Superman jumper just plonked himself down next to me out of nowhere. He shows me his Nintendo DS and asks me if I want to play, I humour him and joke about the size of the Gameboy I used to have. He was such a cool little kid, I forgot how simple and easily entertained kids can be. He just had the biggest grin and he’d giggle at little jokes. I think his grandma was just happy that someone could entertain him haha.

Made me reflect on what I want in the future, how I will make a great dad. I have absolutely no doubt. Then I laugh at how dumb I can be to even think of that when I’m as lonely as I feel like I’ve ever been right now relationship-wise. Even something as little as an ignored text tonight has really got me down. But for all I know it’s just me overthinking, I’m a bit good at that. Ugh, my brain is awful. Stop, please.

Oh darling I wish you were here

The silence isn’t so bad
’til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

Woke up to feeling lonely without you beside me, I’m really awful.

Update

I normally game quite a lot, it’s kinda my outlet and I put a lot of time into it. I really enjoy it, I’d love nothing more than to have a job within E-Sports. I write frequent blogs about League of Legends over for Team Dignitas. (My second blog post has been approved and will go live any day now, I’m really excited about it)

The last week I’ve probably not spent over an hour playing games, I’ve watched a few professional games (I do my homework for blog posts and ideas, I like to stay upto date. Yeah I’m nerdy and passionate about it). I’ve been quite focused on finding a job, pretty much any job I suppose. Just my first little stepping stone of my life. I’m really distracted though. Relationship stuff will always take my focus even if there’s just a tiny shine of something in the vast dark night sky of my thoughts.

People that I spent my last three years with are graduating. I’m taking this as my hint to leave social media alone to avoid depression from taking over. I’m more disappointed at myself for how I didn’t graduate. Yet I’m proud of myself for taking things into my own hands and getting out of a miserable, dark place that I had gotten myself into.

The main reason that I’m sad about my position right now is because I’ve left everyone except my family that has been such a huge part of my life over the last three years. I’ll be visiting as much as I physically can, but if I’m working then it’ll only be odd weekends. That’s heartbreaking for me.

When I get to visit my old friends, I’m going to be so torn. There’ll be so much that I miss, so much to catch up on. Not enough time. More importantly, there’s one girl that I want to steal away for myself. It’s actually only her attention that I want. I hate myself for making a huge decision to seek happiness elsewhere. I take it back, I hate the timing of things and what could have been. If things are meant to work, it won’t be easy. I’ve never been in the position of a long distance relationship. Totally scary, but I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for this girl. I’d be blogging about anything else that’s on my mind if there was anything else in my mind to share.

I just can’t wait to see her when I get off of the coach or train and see her beautiful face waiting to see me. I just can’t wait for that moment. From there, lets just see how things go.

Vanilla Twilight

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear:
“Oh darling, I wish you were here”

Somewhere new

I’ve been thinking a lot, other than family and close friends, there’s nothing here for me on this little island that I’ve spent my life on. (The United Kingdom, nowhere special)

What’s keeping me here? I’m definitely not planning on spending my life here, the idea of just picking a place and moving is so daunting, but so exciting. I think I’d love the states, hey, I won’t know if I don’t find out eh?

I get tired of familiar places, I feel trapped and it gets me really down. I have no drive to make new friends in this new place just because I’ve had to move back here with my parents. I have friends, they’re awesome. Yeah they’re not here, that sucks. They’re still in my life, though.

For now, I think this fits my current thought process quite well.

Though to be honest, people in Southern England can find my accent quite amusing. It’d be funny to see how Americans dealt with a Northern Englishman and his Cumbrian accent!

Bromance

So, I’m a heterosexual guy. Lets get that clear, though I like sausage. Not that kind of sausage, get your mind out of the gutter, god. I’m into girls. Just for clarity!

I made an awesome friend while I was at University, after I dropped out to seek a little happiness that I’d lost along the way..I guess I took it for granted that I was leaving behind a few things that I had in my life that did give me daily happiness, as well as a little sanity.

Just having a mate that lived four doors away from me that I could just call at the drop of a hat and say “brew?” and he’d just go “the door’s on the latch, come over” and hang up. Was simple, was effortless, and now I love hours away from my best friend. Or for that matter, from any of my friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to pieces. But I’m sure you understand what i’m getting at. My uni friends weren’t just uni friends, they were my friends. A lot of them I’ll have as part of my life for years to come, even if we’re not in the same place right now.

Anyway, no homo and all. But I miss my bro. I miss having someone just hang out with and shoot the shit. Times can get lonely in a new place. Nostalgia can occasionally bite you in the ass.