Late night musings – A new album and rediscovering reading

I’ve just properly committed some time to listening to Feist properly for the first time. Some of her songs I’ve always known and enjoyed but I realise I don’t listen to many albums all the way through lately. It’s great, relaxing, well written, I’m enjoying it so far. Check it out if you haven’t, the first three tracks I love.

Feist – my music for the night

Let it die caught me off guard on this album, I didn’t expect that. I hate when I’m in this sort of weird place and I stumble across a song that just fits a mood. It hits me kinda hard. Music has that ability to just raise me to new highs and more importantly: to kick me when I’m down. Ah well, moving on.

The saddest part of a broken heart,

Isn’t the ending as much as the start

Anyway, totally go off on a tangent forever don’t i? Ugh, Callum. STAHP.

Reading – Rediscovery

I just finished reading the first book that I’ve read from start to finish today. It’s titled: “Do androids dream of electric sheep?” by Philip K Dick.

It was a great read, I actually read it because my older brother (that I have quite a disjointed relationship with lets say) gave me it, as close to a birthday gift that I’ve gotten from him in maybe 5 years or so. I read it while I was travelling and almost finished it on the tube in London. I’m getting used to travelling through London more, I’d normally just be freaking out making sure I didn’t miss my stop. I’m weird like that.

But reading this and finishing it in the space of a couple of days has made me realise that I miss reading. When I was growing up it was always this great escape and I loved to read. I read things way ahead of my age. As I got ill, I struggled with mind fog a lot. I couldn’t read like I used to and would have to take breaks, it made me feel stupid. I’d never felt like that, no matter what I knew I was a smart lad, as weird as that may sound. So to have that taken away from me sucked. I don’t struggle so much as long as I take breaks and stay in a quiet place while I’m concentrating. I still struggle a lot with mind fog on bad days, or if I haven’t slept very well.

But yeah, I’ve got so many things to read. I need more ideas if there are any book lovers that happen to see this. Any suggestions would be great. My dad has read and enjoyed a lot of Clive Barker and gave me a book of is, apparently a character reminds him of me. I still have the Silmarillion that I intended to read a long time ago but it has sat here.

I’m going to join the local library and spend a little time just out of this house in the next few weeks. Whether it’s in a coffee shop or otherwise with a book. I think that’ll be a nice brief escape. I want to find The Clan of the Cave Bear too, I promised that I’d read that. I’m really interested in a book that somebody else has found to be so influential. Maybe I can relate one way or another.

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Melancholy Contemplation

I think this is the first time that I’ve felt my blog title fits a lot of my ramblings.

I was walking through my small town and I guess I can tell how weird a place I’m in right now based on my thoughts that I’ll share.

I was looking at people pass by me and just thinking to myself – these people are nothing to me, they’re nothing to each other. They only have any meaning to a small amount of people, they probably mean very little to a lot of people that know them. They’ve never made a dent in this ocean of a world that we’re stuck on.

I just find it very daunting to accept that I’ll never make an impact in a global sense. Microscopic chance. That sounds egotistical, but everyone wants that one way or another. They want to feel important. I crave the feeling of worth right now, in any way. Be it to people around me or the chance to impact someone else in a positive way.

Over the last year I make it a habit to spend 5 or 10 minutes of my time to just chat to someone that’s homeless, roll them a few cigarettes and give them any change I have handy. I like to feel that even if it’s just a passing “This Buddy Holly looking fucker has just made my day”, or that giving him my lunch, change and a few fags has left a short term positive for them.

Look, I don’t know. Some people use that change to aid drug or alcohol problems, I’m not an idiot. But people forget that homeless people on the streets are humans that are so commonly looked through and ignored. I can’t deal with that, even if it’s the tiniest thing. At least I can make a small contribution to helping the world, it’s all I have. I’d hope better of everyone in that scenario, but it’s too easy to disconnect ourselves from that in society.

I think in a lot of ways I’ve realised that I hate this world in so many ways. I hate how a lot of people are and how society accepts them when others that arguably deserve more aren’t even given our simple respect or 5 little minutes of our life to be regarded how they should be.

Online Dating update

I realised that a lot of people seemed fairly interested in seeing a single guy’s view of attempting online dating so I figure I should give another update. It really isn’t something that I’ve fully committed to lately. I mean, I’ve made it fairly clear lately that there’s someone that I’m on the fringe of a relationship with, I’m really happy with that and how it could go. Time will tell eh?

In terms of OkCupid, over the course of..I’m not sure how long it has been actually. I’ve met plenty of nice people: some Americans that somehow stumbled across me or vice versa, I realised that I really do have a type as well (I could spend an entire post on this, maybe I will some time), I met a few girls that seemed interested but I never had enough of a connection to want to pursue anything and then a few girls that were interested in me, fairly direct but either timing didn’t fit, they lived too far away or things just didn’t seem to fit or click enough for me to pursue them I guess.

It probably makes me sound like either a coward or a perfectionist, I’m probably a bit of both haha. I think if I lived in London or another city that online dating would be really accessible. I live kinda close but not close enough for my liking to London, it’s just logic that the majority of my matches are from London because of the amount of people there in comparison.

Anyway, it was an interesting experience. I’ve hardly been near the thing for a couple of weeks really. Excluding the odd message from this really nice girl that lives fairly close I guess. Unless I’m just oblivious and dumb (A reasonable possibility), we just get along fairly well and it’s nice to chat to her occasionally.

I actually decided to make this post because out of literally nowhere I got a text from a girl that I’d gotten along with really well, she’s like a lot of women I’ve been involved with: confusing as fuck, to put it simply. Really sporadic texting, I just randomly over a week ago didn’t get a reply from her after she’d suggested meeting up. I’d say she was the only person that I met through OkCupid that I’d have been interested enough to meet up with. I’ve either misread it, or she’s awful at this (whatever this is). Either way, I’m not really a fan of being picked up and dropped randomly.

I highly doubt I’ll mention it again, that’s my very small online dating adventure summed up. If I lived in London then I’m sure this would be a much better read. I think I’d already found what I was looking for and I didn’t realise, to be honest.

Hired

So after my interview thursday at a local primary school for an administration job, I was called the day after asking to come in for a meeting with the business manager. I was pretty chuffed, I’d shown my interest in two of their available posts. I was the first person of several that interviewed for the same job, and clearly it did go as well as I thought. I’m starting next Monday, I’m pretty relieved to have found something. Having nothing to do here while unemployed is pretty frustrating and lonely as well.

This’ll actually be my first full time job, I’ve either been ill or in education upto this point. I hope that I can cope with the hours, to be honest, I don’t think there’ll be very often I’m rushed off my feet after meeting everyone in the office that I’ll work in. I think I might actually be the only guy that will work in the office. Good job they already all really like me haha (Two of the women I’ll be working with interviewed me)

I’m really looking forward to it. It pays really badly because it’s only an apprenticeship, but I pick up the relevant qualifications. So in the long term it’s worthwhile, even if I don’t find use for the administration qualification. No experience is bad experience I figure. It seems like a really nice environment to be in.

She did warn me of the importance of how we come across to parents, that they’ll be shouting at me and I just have to take it. I had a thought in my head of just straight telling an annoying parent to fuck off. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that. Better not..

Online Dating thoughts

So lately I’ve been getting a little bit disheartened and lacking motivation with this. Don’t get me wrong, there are some really nice girls that I’ve got along with just fine, but I guess I’m not okay with fine. I haven’t really met someone yet that I would actually be excited to meet, if that makes sense. It did in my head. Probably just sounds like I’m being super picky and dumb.

I mean, I’m 21. I’m not going to let it bother me or try to force something for the sake of it. Focusing on myself and my own happiness is still pretty much number one focus for me.

Anyway yeah, I’ve met a lot of really lovely American girls through this site, I’ve realised that I love meeting new people and finding out about even little things they do that are different, just how someone on the other side of the world lives their life. When it comes to girls that live vaguely close to me (London included), because of where I live, nobody is immediately close to me and it puts me off meeting someone I guess.

I’m considering meeting up with a couple of girls, one is really into me, though she has a young kid which I’m still not sure what I think about. I don’t really want to put name tags to these girls, I guess I’ll avoid doing that, as much as I could think of a few witty nicknames for some of them!

I’ve spoken to another girl quite a lot, we seem to get along fine. The problem is that you just don’t know if there’s any chemistry without meeting someone, and she seems really off about meeting up. Which sucks, but her loss I guess. Not worth my effort I figure.

A couple days ago when I was pretty much losing all interest in this endeavour I got a message from this absolute stunner, to put it bluntly. We have tons in common, she loves that I play guitar, she seems really into me and pretty forward about it. It caught me off guard but I like it. The idea of my first date as a result of the whole online dating experience still feels a little daunting. If i’m travelling into London to meet someone for the day, I think I just want to be sure I won’t have a nightmare of a time and be sure I have some sort of connection before hand.

Rather than just instant messaging and small talking she just wants to Skype. I won’t hold my breath, but maybe I won’t give up on this online dating lark just yet. A girl that knows what she wants, why do I feel like that’s a rare characteristic of women that have been in my life?

Online Dating thoughts

I’ve only been trying this out for a real short amount of time, I’ve already found a few issues, or just little annoyances I guess! It’s still not a perfect system, for sure. It feels more like a work in progress really.

I live close in Essex. This means people in London are classed as “nearby”. That’s 95% of my matches, which limits quite a lot. I’ve already met someone that I’m probably going to head into London to meet, but it turns into a day trip and it’s not cheap to be honest. Could just be a massive disappointment, but if you don’t try you won’t know I guess!

I think my “matches” are hard to work out, I don’t even know my type half the time, good luck internet working that one out.

I keep running into girls that look like my ex and remembering that’s my type, which I still find a little uncomfortable, or it feels wrong.

I get the feeling my type doesn’t live in Essex. Or they’re taken, or hiding. Probably taken. I’ll keep up with it, I’m sure something interesting will come from the experience one way or another, I can’t be the only one that has this problem though!

 

Inspiration – Watsky

So I was listening through music, as I am the majority of the time and I figured why not share some thoughts?

For those of you that don’t know, Watsky is an American white rapper, not usually my cup of tea at all. But he’s great, if you haven’t heard any of his stuff, check him out here. You won’t regret it, he’s not only a great musician, I’d say he’s a great guy. I find his journey really inspiring.

His lyrics are brilliant, he’ll happily poke fun at himself. I’ve found myself relying on some of his tracks that I related to in my own personal way, I still do. He went viral on Youtube with “white kid raps fast” and has since flowered and gotten so far away from that tag he was branded with early in his music career and reached great heights. He most recently collaborated with Kate Nash in his newest album.

I don’t buy music anymore, I haven’t for years. I have Spotify and Youtube at my fingertips the majority of the time because I’m attached to my laptop 24/7. When he released his second album, I had all of his music that I had downloaded for free from his sites, the rest favourited on Youtube. It’s all I listen to on my phone when I go anywhere. But for once, I had to pre-order his new album “Cardboard Castles”. I got so excited. The day I broke up with my ex after I found out she cheated on me, his signed version of Cardboard Castles rocked up right on time to help me through it. You couldn’t write that shit any better, I strolled to my friend’s house. Told him the news and just passed him the cd, we smoked, chatted shit and drank coffee. Easiest transition from heartache, better than my earlier drunk mad rebound journeys.

Anyway, that’s a whole different story I’ll share sometime. As it’s pretty amusing for anyone but me!

The biggest thing for me, what really hit home was Watsky’s spoken word poetry. It’s brilliant, it’s touching. I’d recommend this guy to anyone and everyone.

I even had the beauty of going to see him on tour when he stopped by in London with the hilarious Dumbfounded. First time I’ve felt too old for a gig, but I didn’t give two fucks. I had the fun of the mini-road trip into London with two of my best friends that I went to the gig with too, I really needed that at the time after my breakup. You’ll have to do a lot to top this guy for heart and soul, live and recorded.

So if you haven’t already left this article to check him out, please do. You’ll find something you enjoy. Starting here is a good idea.