Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

Had to get up fairly early after roughly a few hours sleep, oh the pain. To be told that the work experience being arranged for me is essentially not organised in a week that they’ve had to do it. The woman I had a meeting arranged to see wasn’t even there to see me either. Shit huh! Ah well, I actually got ready in roughly 2 minutes, skinny black jeans, red and white checked shirt. I actually had a fair bit of confidence today and look pretty good! So that’s a nice feeling.

I don’t know if as such a night owl I’ve never seen it before, or it was just a coincidence? Everyone was cheery, bright and happy to see me! Strangers wishing me good morning, people sharing a smile with me, it was lovely. Is this an exclusive morning people club that I miss out on normally? This brings me onto my second theory: A confident Northern English lad with (questionable) facial hair and glasses being cheerful in a small town in Essex is better received than I’d expect and Northern charm is actually a thing, not just a sarcastic thing that I’ve made up. I have no idea, maybe both? Maybe neither!

I’ve had very little job luck, considering the last two “interviews” I’ve had have been ran by the worst companies I could’ve had the dumb luck to be interested in..I’m starting to be a little less naive about the hiring process. I’m actually in a good place when it comes to being a happy individual, I’m getting there. It’s a slow process, but I think finding a job that I would genuinely like to do is a must for me right now, or I’ll just spiral back into a pit of depression. Which is actually why I left University in the first place: To find that happy place that I was missing in the day to day stuff, it’s still a work in progress.

For some reason I’m writing less, I don’t know why that is. I’m not overly busy, I guess I spend a lot of time sharing skype calls and chatting to my favourite American girl. We’re mutually weird together, I love it. It’s definitely something I need in my life, someone that thinks a lot of me and cares. Granted it’s coming from a source I wouldn’t have ever expected, but it is what it is y’know?

I’m sort of picking myself up though again after a speed bump in my day earlier on. It’s funny what one song will do to you sometimes, moving on is hard some days. I’m still hurting a lot, no way to sugar coat that one I guess.

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Time is:

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I stumbled across this quote, and found that I understood a lot of this from my own experiences.

A great deal of my life has slowed down, I’ve waited a lot of my life. I’ve lamented far too much, you could say. My celebrations have always felt cut short, generally due to going back to the vicious cycle of more waiting or lamenting.

I need to spend more time loving, loving my family, my friends, finding someone special in my life and treasuring them all. We should all treasure this the most, I feel as though I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m done waiting, done lamenting. Moving forward. I’m going to surround my life in love, and get out of the vicious cycle of unhappiness that I’ve delved into far too often so far.

Life is for finding love, it’s all I really want. It’s all I need. I need to surround myself with people that are deserving of me. Not meant in a horrible way, I just feel that I’ve spent a lot of my time being a giver. Never someone that selflessly takes. It works both ways.

I’m totally rambling now with out-loud thoughts. I guess that’s what this blog is for.

I felt like a little self reflection. But currently I think i’m in a pretty good place, I’m getting there. The future is really promising. I’m excited, I’m optimistic, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I’ve got it all under control, I promise?

What’s the crack?

I think that’s a northernism, I mean “What’s going on?” or “How’s it going?” by my title for those that wondered if I’d gone mental. Anyway, that’s cleared up. So, what’s the crack Callum?

Well after a wasteful, pretty relevant to the whole “melancholy contemplation” worthy day of nothingness I dragged my arse out of bed and decided to at least make productive steps.

I’ve got a job interview on Monday, I was approached by a company I applied at over summer and they kept me on file. Pretty sweet huh? All I really know is that the company is a marketing and PR firm, a pretty decent one at that. The job description is so far vague, but it’s a good sign that I was contacted and the job isn’t officially listed anywhere for new applications. I really hope this is the foot in the door that I need, it could be a total flop. Fingers crossed?

Gonna get myself a much shorter haircut that I’ve been complimented on many a time when I had it. Hard to argue with someone that I have a biased opinion of. I look good enough to be hired in a suit, Northern charm is totally a thing..honest.

Other than that, I’ve realised (Yeah it won’t sound like much to a lot of people) but I’m actually currently classed as part of the top 5% of all of Europe in League of Legends and still rising the ranked queue. This is all while playing on a laptop that barely even runs the game. The nerdy part of me wants to quote Jax from the game and say “Imagine if I had a real weapon”. Wow, yeah that happened. But it gives me a little self confidence that I AM good at what I invest time into, it’s not wasted and I’m quite at home where I am there.

So as a result of that I’m back on to writing articles and really putting effort into them. I’ve got new thoughts on certain aspects of the game that nobody seems to have picked up on so I need to go and get my content out there in an entertaining way that should be well received. I’m excited.

So yeah, not a lot is going on. But for a days worth there I feel as though there has been some degree of accomplishment and positivity. Granted this cloud is still hanging over me, but I almost caught a glimpse of the sunlight today.

Progress? I’ll take it.

Today

Today for me has mainly consisted of lying in bed until fairly recently and moping. I swear I’m far too good at it. I’ve hit a weird point of thinking about my life and how it really feels like there’s so little for me. I need to find that desire and hunger for something that I can make a solid part of my life.

I’ve realised that through either pride, fear or otherwise that even my closest friends don’t know everything that’s going on in my life right now. One way or another, be it about my unhappiness, my personal struggles, my relationship failures or otherwise. I contacted the primary school that held a job for me and told them that I had been offered another role. That’s bullshit though, I just didn’t want to work there after giving it thought. I’d hate it and feel like I’m not making any forward progress.

I just don’t know where I’m going or what to do with myself right now. I should probably have a better idea right now. I just don’t.

I get distracted easily.

I really do get distracted easily, I guess I can’t get my head in a good place lately. Everything is a maybe or hopefully, or it feels like it.

I shut myself off when I feel down, or just unwell. I stayed in bed today until 3 just feeling utterly down and depressed. For once I want things to line up and go the way I want. Actually no, the way I deserve. I’ve even shut myself off from venting here, which is just illogical. God, I suck.

I know that this sounds selfish, but I’m serious. I want the girl, I want the job, I want the happiness. I don’t want the money problems. I don’t want the health problems. I want things to start falling into place. I’m tired of the world shitting on me and giving me a challenge daily. Some have it harder, a lot have it easier than me. One thing’s for sure: I’m sick of how 21 years of my life have turned out.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a job that I want. You know what? I’m going to get it.

Baby steps

I just need to stop and take a little perspective sometimes, try not to feel so engulfed by everything that’s going on with me. To quote one of my favourite movies of all time:

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

Right now for me, this is the simplest of things, but who said happiness had to be complex? I know I’ll get there, even if right now even just typing that my head is telling me something counter-productive.

I’ve spent my entire morning until now with my guitar, I actually had to dust it off. Thanks to my M.E that I deal with just fine, some things are always going to be difficult to do without it sapping my energy. I have a fresh blister or two on my fingers, I’m mentally and physically nackered, but I’ve done something with my day. Baby steps.

I’ve actually committed to trying a dating site last night while I had another sleepless night. Coffee is my friend right now, but so are a few people I’ve already had a chance to speak to. Even if it’s brief, those interactions put a smile on my face. I’ll post more on this later. But for now, I’ll keep enjoying the little things and shed a bit of light on the dark cloud that I still can’t get away from.

Baby steps.