Halloween

So this time last year for halloween I was dressed as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh (You American readers will likely have no idea, here’s a good reference picture!) I swear the resemblance was uncanny. Down to the makeup and lipstick. Tutu, tights and all.

old-gregg

I got insanely drunk, had a good time, went out to the clubs, got more drunk. One of my best friends had a total meltdown of a night and I ended up looking after him, we both had a proper heart to heart, got upset, then just got rowdy again. I even persuaded a group of slutty bunnies to do the macarena to Misery Business by Paramore. That was fun.

We went and pissed off one of our other friends that was working, stole limes from one of the bar’s fridges and decided it was a good idea to throw them down the street. It totally was by the way, one landed right on a taxi’s windscreen. Beautiful.

This year? Yeah I’m doing nothing at all. I don’t really mind all too much, reflecting on last year is amusing and all. But alcohol = drama and feelings that spill out, I’m fairly happy to be past it and out of that environment. I don’t really need that anymore.

 

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A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

Another mini-break

So tomorrow I was planning to go celebrate my birthday with a big blow out of sorts with all of my favourite people in this world  – friends made in university.

Though it turns out everyone is really busy this week, friends working and so on. I actually don’t mind too much. Unlike last visit, I won’t be feeling spread so thin. My plan is to hang with two of my best mates, either together or at separate times. Grab a brief coffee with another before he has to dash (we chat on the phone occasionally and pick up things where we left off regardless of the gap in time).

I’m planning on having a few pints, a good catch up. Followed by staying over with another mate, the plan is just to wake up and spend a lazy saturday smoking weed and watching films, tv shows, cartoons and whatever other crap we stumble across together. I really can’t wait. I don’t really get high too often, but it’s a good release. I just want to chill and feel that ease in my life for a short while before I really start making progress. I have so many things to do.

I’m not going to see Emily this weekend, she’s back home visiting her family. In a way it’s a good thing, we both need the space. In another I’m just really sad that I can’t at least steal a little time, or just a hug, even just take her hand in mine for that brief passing second.

She Skype called me today for my birthday, it was really nice just to have that time. I had a constant smile on my face that only she can bring out of me whenever she wants to. I feel like a better person when she’s with me, one way or another.

As much as I wore a huge grin through our entire chat, I just had a huge lump in my throat too. I promised her I would write her a letter, I’ve destroyed a small tree worth of paper with letters that nobody will read. I’m going to just finish a letter and send it, I might drop it by while she isn’t there so it’s waiting. I need to stop being a coward, essentially!

But anyway, I got off on a total tangent. I do that a lot eh? I need this break, I need a little recharge. No more boundaries that I can’t tackle, none of that bullshit. Moving forward.