I suck and haven’t been writing lately. I don’t know. There’s no “I’ve been super busy” excuse that would be totally cool. I’ve just not really been feeling it. Hence I’ve been a little sporadic.
Anyway, I’d say for the last month, but probably more: I’ve not shaved. Until last night at least. I was rocking a pretty awful beard frankly, but I’d never actually grown my facial hair untamed for longer than say..a fortnight without caving.
Here’s the verdict: I shouldn’t grow facial hair past a little stubble. It doesn’t really suit me, and it’s patchy as FUCK. No lie. It was pretty awful. I had a good laugh shaving in stages though. I’m a 22 year old child. I feel like Jack (Robin Williams is awesome).
I was also slightly encouraged by a particular biased American girl who prefers some “scruff”. Ever so slightly. Maybe. Completely.
So now I’m clean shaven and feel like I’ve lost about 10+ years of age in looks. I already regret not just trimming haha. It’ll take at least a week or so to grow back any notable or acceptable stubble.
I often spend time pondering how others perceive me. The main reason for this today is that I bought, tobacco as usual at the local store that’s closest to me. I didn’t make any sort of effort, and it’s pretty cold. So I was just in a t shirt, a shirt layered on top and a hoodie, skinnie jeans and my vans. Standard lazy clothing.
I came to the realisation that since moving back home this summer and turning 22, I’ve not once been asked for ID when I buy tobacco. This is totally alien to me, I mean..I look so young, generally that’s one thing people will note about me. Being 5″5 adds to this for sure haha.
So is it because i’m in the south of England now and I have a low, northern accent? Is it that I have a vague attempt at facial hair? Is it that I’m more mature than I realise? Is it that I don’t look as young as I think?! It may be a collection of these things, or that they just don’t care to ID people without good reason around here.
I have no idea, but it makes me feel old. I don’t know, but I don’t think I like it! I mean, someone can mistake a younger girl as older because of makeup and how she dresses pretty easily. But as a guy, it’s harder to fake age? I don’t think I accidentally look older than I should. I’m only 22! I was even told I look 24 today, not sure how I feel about that.
Is everyone as curious as I am about how they’re perceived day-to-day? My brain works in mysterious and sometimes amusing ways.
So this time last year for halloween I was dressed as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh (You American readers will likely have no idea, here’s a good reference picture!) I swear the resemblance was uncanny. Down to the makeup and lipstick. Tutu, tights and all.
I got insanely drunk, had a good time, went out to the clubs, got more drunk. One of my best friends had a total meltdown of a night and I ended up looking after him, we both had a proper heart to heart, got upset, then just got rowdy again. I even persuaded a group of slutty bunnies to do the macarena to Misery Business by Paramore. That was fun.
We went and pissed off one of our other friends that was working, stole limes from one of the bar’s fridges and decided it was a good idea to throw them down the street. It totally was by the way, one landed right on a taxi’s windscreen. Beautiful.
This year? Yeah I’m doing nothing at all. I don’t really mind all too much, reflecting on last year is amusing and all. But alcohol = drama and feelings that spill out, I’m fairly happy to be past it and out of that environment. I don’t really need that anymore.
So I’ve been pretty heavy lately, a lot of struggling with depression, a lot of focus on negatives. But then I remember there’s ridiculously terrible and awesome things yet for me to discover. One thing I know, there’s a lot more shit to discuss and think about at the very least!
Lets take a step back and think facial hair. What degree of facial hair is acceptable in an office environment?
So I grow pretty poor, arguably patchy facial hair. I generally like to be clean shaven or very neat, I look really young without facial hair though. I mean really young. I’m just debating facial hair or no for my job interview Monday.
I’m obviously wanting to look my sharpest, make the best impression..get the job. Jesus, give me a job that I can spend my time doing and enjoy. Give me a little money so I can be a bit more comfortable. Yeah.
So: facial hair, yes or no? I really can’t decide. I figure neat facial hair is fine, but it feels like a fine line between looking good or shabby. Decisions. Welcome to my inner monologue while trying to avoid thoughts that would merely leave me in a pit of emo.
I weighed myself this week and realised that i’ve lost about half a stone in the space of around three months. I’m 7 and a half stone, or 105 pounds (I think?) for those that use pounds. I lost a lot of weight when I was ill and slowly built back up to around 8 and a half stone. So realising that i’ve lost this much weight not only scares me, but it disgusts me.
I just checked my BMI before this, as a sort of reference:
My self confidence is literally at an all time low. I don’t even think I could physically be with anyone the way that I feel right now, it’s a good job I’m hopelessly single eh? I can see my rib cage clearer than ever. It’s just horrible. There’s literally no way anyone can find me attractive as I am. I genuinely believe that.
I wanted this to be my point where I’ve realised and accepted that I need to bulk up a little and at least find a healthy weight. I think my target should be around 9 stone. The motivation is simply that I hate my body more than I ever have, it can’t stay this way.
I hate to be one to complain (Yet I do it a lot huh, ironic), but I’m sick of people that are overweight complaining. It costs you nothing, you probably save money eating healthier and exercising. For me – I get exhausted, terrible muscle and joint pain for days after a simple run. I can’t afford to eat my body weight in KFC (as much as I’d love to), and I have no sympathy for you. Like at all. My situation is so much worse, and i’m probably as unhealthy as you.
What actually bugs me more is how much I struggle to gain weight compared to how easy it is to lose weight, yet there’s half a Tesco full of low fat bullshit. I have to dig around to find anything that is full fat or simply not just low fat. Ugh. Yeah i’m done ranting, I just hate the way society approaches the topic.
Relapse. It’s not a word that I like to use. It’s something that I can never say that I’m doing at the time, but something that I can reflect on having done as a chronic fatigue sufferer multiple times, to differing severities.
I’ve reflected upon the last week, I only left my house once. Excluding the garden where i’d only sit for a coffee or talk on the phone for privacy. Like, wow. I didn’t realise until just now, that’s awful and makes me realise how little I do anything at home. Especially so when I feel awful.
Exhaustion for me leads to being in bed until the late afternoon (It’s linked to lack of motivation and struggling with a lot of things, but everything is impacted), this leads to me never sleeping at regular hours, if at all through the night. In a way it’s a good job I’m not working right now, because I wouldn’t cope at all.
Muscle pain is just constant, ibuprofen is like daily meds for me right now. The odd trip to a shop or taking the dog for a walk just murders me for a few days and I feel awful. I think I’m so distracted with what’s going on in my head that physically I don’t even think about things.
I wouldn’t say that I’ve relapsed, but I know my body well enough to see that I’m struggling right now and I’ve taken a few backwards steps.
I stumbled across another cover that I didn’t know existed of this classic. It’s pretty much the song of my childhood, my Dad’s a hardcore Rancid fan. Therefore I am. This song speaks to me about so many different people through my life.
Over summer Emily has been my rock, I’ve been hers too really. We’ve both needed it in our own ways.
One I’ve never met in real life even, but she has always been there like that.She helped me through my darkest points when I was ill.
Another friend I met through gaming, just like the last I mentioned. We’ve met a lot of times and get along great. He hasn’t always been there at an emotional level, but we always have gaming as our outlet together when things go badly. We rely on each other like that.
One is my childhood best bud. We’ve been through thick and thin. When my parents were on the verge of divorce I remember going on a long weekend trip with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in a long time though we’re always in touch and pick things up where we left off.
My trio of bros that I met in university are like brothers to me, they’ve helped me through so much. Dragged me out of depression once already.
This time it’s completely up to me to find myself and I feel like this song doesn’t apply to me anymore. I envy my history that I’ve always had people around me to pick me up in their own way. I really need it right now and I’m lost looking for that person to rely on. I feel very selfish for saying that, but my friends are my strength. I need them. There’s no shame in that, there’s actually a lot of pride from me.
If you haven’t heard the song I’m talking about, find your favourite version from these. I’m undecided.
I really need to find ways of dealing with anxiety, I don’t know when this first started. It just comes in uncontrollable waves and takes over. It’s an awful feeling that I wish that I could get some sort of handle on. It totally wrecks my confidence, I second guess so many things, I can find a negative in the best thing just because of my own insecurities. I need to stop it, I know that I’m doing it, but it just seems so uncontrollable.
I feel like it’s another part of me that I just need to learn to live with, but lately I feel like I’m tired of having barriers. I’m almost stopping myself from being the best version of myself. I just need to realise when I’m having these anxiety / panic attacks and just find a thought that I can go to and just take a break from the negative or worrying thoughts.
It just baffles me sometimes, I’ll leave the house and 5 steps down the road I’ll panic that I’ve forgotten my house keys. Really simple example and sounds stupid, but I do it every time. I’ll have a really standard day planned and one tiny detail of it that I don’t feel in control of just gets in my head. I feel mental writing this, but it’s such a horrible feeling that I have no control over. I’m a work in progress.
My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.
A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:
Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.
That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.
I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.
Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.
With the only relationships I’ve had that I’d even value enough to mention, both girls in these two relationships were still invested in their exes and things were messy. Awful timing.
Lets put it this way, patience is a trait that I’ve learned to have buckets of. I’ve had to learn to otherwise I’d be in such a bad place right now, I’d probably still be bed-bound after pushing myself too far and getting exhausted. I’d like to think there’s some reward for patience. I think there is. There’s never perfect timing, for me anyway. Maybe I’ll just get to a point in my life and everything will line up. For now, patience is key, timing is awful. I’m okay with that.