A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

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I get distracted easily.

I really do get distracted easily, I guess I can’t get my head in a good place lately. Everything is a maybe or hopefully, or it feels like it.

I shut myself off when I feel down, or just unwell. I stayed in bed today until 3 just feeling utterly down and depressed. For once I want things to line up and go the way I want. Actually no, the way I deserve. I’ve even shut myself off from venting here, which is just illogical. God, I suck.

I know that this sounds selfish, but I’m serious. I want the girl, I want the job, I want the happiness. I don’t want the money problems. I don’t want the health problems. I want things to start falling into place. I’m tired of the world shitting on me and giving me a challenge daily. Some have it harder, a lot have it easier than me. One thing’s for sure: I’m sick of how 21 years of my life have turned out.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a job that I want. You know what? I’m going to get it.

Pride

This is actually a positive more upbeat article for once!

So I finally had my second article go live for Team Dignitas that I’ve previously mentioned. I worked on this one a lot, I researched, I tested, I theorycrafted, I discussed with friends. I put a lot of time into it and was really proud of what I had done. Granted, compared to any champion guides that some people have made, it was pretty primitive. But I’m learning, I was hoping for good feedback at least. If nothing else.

I was totally blown away by the reception, even if it feels small scale. The content manager of the site actually messaged me on skype saying:

woah, just posted your blog on fb/twitter. Got triple the response we usually get! Seems like the fans rly like the title. 

And later on: Our fans love the guide, write more. 

It’s really gratifying to have someone appreciate you like that. I’ve checked the Facebook page and my post is still being liked and commented on, It was around 50 likes last time I saw. The only thing near that in popularity is a giveaway. I must have done something right. Shame that’s my most innovative idea for over a year, you can’t really pull viable strategies out constantly.

I feel really great about it. I’m still only on trial (for now) writing for these guys, and obviously it’s unpaid. But it’s so rewarding and I’m enjoying the experience, as well as constantly learning. More of this will be good for me, and especially for my confidence in doing what I love.

I love my friends

I already posted a bit of a ramble about how much I’m the worst when I feel down, I shut myself away from people. Even the guys that love me and just want to support me along the way.

I’ve spent about the last three hours on the phone to two of those friends, they both get it. They know how useless I can be, I know I need to change it too. I need to get out of this rut that I keep getting into when I feel depressed. I’m gonna use this as a note to kick my arse into gear every time I haven’t got my phone with me, or I feel down and don’t pick up the phone to get picked back up by these guys.

I’m not physically near any of them right now, can’t afford to travel to see them either for at least a month. Which sucks, but they’re still right here. I picked up the phone and stopped being so useless and I just feel ten times better about today. I need these guys in my life so much more than anything else right now, I need to remember it.

When I see them next isn’t actually known, It’ll be sooner rather than later if i can help it. They’re the single only part of my last three years at university that I need to keep in my life. Even though I’ve moved on from the rest of it, these guys are with me for life, and to be completely honest: I couldn’t be any happier to have such an amazing bunch that I’d do anything for, I care so much about them all.

Online Dating – Step 1

I promised I’d share for those that are interested in my venture into online dating, and generally looking to meet new people. Thanks to the wonderful author of http://marieaterrell.wordpress.com/ in my last post, I went ahead and signed up to http://www.okcupid.com

Here’s my experience so far:

 

I had a sleepless night last night, left alone with my thoughts and decided to sack up and dive into it. I went over to the site and made a profile, I answered the questions supplied to me after I filled out my profile and got a feel for the site a little.

I have to say, I should be paid by these guys for the endorsement I’m about to give their site. I’m not, but just saying!

The beauty of the site is that it’s entirely free, you’re not limited greatly like I found with match and match affinity in particular, which is pretty frustrating I felt. You can openly message any matches, you can search based on the match percentage, area and many more variables to find what you’re looking for. You can view images of your matches that have been posted. You get a simple show of how frequently a person replies to messages, their relationship match, friendship match and even conflicting views or opinions between you.

You’re notified when you receive a message as well as being shown who has viewed your profile. So I got into it, completed my profile, I still need to add a few more pictures to my profile to complete it. But I’ve got started at least.

I followed through suggested matches in my area, sent around 19 total messages to possible matches that I had plenty in common with. It’s only about 12 hours on, just for reference at this point since I made the account, let alone finished it. I got some sleep, woke up to a few notifications from the site.

So far I’ve had

  • One response from the messages that I’ve sent out.
  • Fifteen individual people view my personal profile.
  • Two girls approach me with messages.
  • One of which I’ve chatted to for a few hours after adding each other on WhatsApp.

To be honest, I was surprised that I’ve made this progress so quickly. It’s really encouraging that I’ve had interest. My profile clearly wasn’t written as badly as I thought (I’ve re-written several parts and constantly made additions), either that or I’m just a catch! I kid, I kid. A tiny bit of attention isn’t going to my head, but I’m making progress.

I’ve met a couple of talented musicians, which I find super attractive, I just get daydreaming about singing duets in a really cheesy fashion. Fuck I’m lame!

Anyway, the girl I mentioned on speaking to through WhatsApp is really cool, we’re getting to know each other. She lives a little further than I’d hope, so it might be a little difficult to arrange a date. But why not be optimistic, at the end of the day I’ve still had the chance to meet someone who shares tons of my interests and is apparently into me as a person. It’s the sort of ego boost that will never hurt.

I’m sure I’ll post more updates about the good, bad and ugly side of online dating as I get to experience it. This is still my beta test right now, time is definitely on my side.

Thanks to anyone that has given me support, kind words, advice and shared experiences with me. You’re the reason that I’m even sharing this at all. Anyone new that stumbles across my blog: drop me a comment, share any of your own experiences or thoughts with me. I’m still learning, there are plenty of things for me to work out with this. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Baby steps

I just need to stop and take a little perspective sometimes, try not to feel so engulfed by everything that’s going on with me. To quote one of my favourite movies of all time:

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

Right now for me, this is the simplest of things, but who said happiness had to be complex? I know I’ll get there, even if right now even just typing that my head is telling me something counter-productive.

I’ve spent my entire morning until now with my guitar, I actually had to dust it off. Thanks to my M.E that I deal with just fine, some things are always going to be difficult to do without it sapping my energy. I have a fresh blister or two on my fingers, I’m mentally and physically nackered, but I’ve done something with my day. Baby steps.

I’ve actually committed to trying a dating site last night while I had another sleepless night. Coffee is my friend right now, but so are a few people I’ve already had a chance to speak to. Even if it’s brief, those interactions put a smile on my face. I’ll post more on this later. But for now, I’ll keep enjoying the little things and shed a bit of light on the dark cloud that I still can’t get away from.

Baby steps.