Fall Back Down

I stumbled across another cover that I didn’t know existed of this classic. It’s pretty much the song of my childhood, my Dad’s a hardcore Rancid fan. Therefore I am. This song speaks to me about so many different people through my life.

Over summer Emily has been my rock, I’ve been hers too really. We’ve both needed it in our own ways.

One I’ve never met in real life even, but she has always been there like that.She helped me through my darkest points when I was ill.

Another friend I met through gaming, just like the last I mentioned. We’ve met a lot of times and get along great. He hasn’t always been there at an emotional level, but we always have gaming as our outlet together when things go badly. We rely on each other like that.

One is my childhood best bud. We’ve been through thick and thin. When my parents were on the verge of divorce I remember going on a long weekend trip with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in a long time though we’re always in touch and pick things up where we left off.

My trio of bros that I met in university are like brothers to me, they’ve helped me through so much. Dragged me out of depression once already.

This time it’s completely up to me to find myself and I feel like this song doesn’t apply to me anymore. I envy my history that I’ve always had people around me to pick me up in their own way. I really need it right now and I’m lost looking for that person to rely on. I feel very selfish for saying that, but my friends are my strength. I need them. There’s no shame in that, there’s actually a lot of pride from me.

If you haven’t heard the song I’m talking about, find your favourite version from these. I’m undecided.

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Relationships, friendships and everything in between

As much as I wish this song fit my thoughts right now, it’s quite the opposite.

I’ve realised that I can actually expand on my last thinking out loud on this topic(I’m awful at being single). Both old relationships and new ones that have dynamics that I don’t want to misread, both mine and their feelings-wise. I love finding people that I have tons in common with. I would find a lot of my friends that are girls physically attractive, but obviously I never really realise or think about it, but I can acknowledge y’know?

I guess I don’t want to misjudge dynamics and ruin things, from both old and new sides. You never truly know if you’re compatible in a relationship, no matter how close you are before that. I don’t want to ruin something that already works so well in its own way. At the same time, I don’t know if I misread something new, I just can’t determine great friend or something “more” with a few people lately. I’m my own worst enemy I swear.

Thinking about this out loud just makes me think that I’m being a moron on every front. Which is totally possible.

Acceptance

So I recently shared my “anonymous” blog with three people. One that I’d just met through OkCupid that I’ve previously mentioned, she was interested in what I blogged about, she’s maybe reading this I guess! Well hey, it’s quite nice to share such a personal insight into myself in a way, though it’s daunting and I feel that I’m probably being judged. Ah well!

I also shared it with two of my closest friends that know me so well that I don’t think anything personal I’ve shared will really bother them, I don’t worry that they’ll think any less of me, or think of me differently. One has been my friend for so long and she helped me through so much, my lowest lows. I actually realised after sharing it with her that I’ve almost taken some of my thought processes and approaches to certain parts of life from her. I can’t thank her enough for that to be honest, I remember she told me once that I pretty much became a man over the time we got to know each other to more recently. (Or words to that effect anyway)

The other friend I shared it with is actually a newer friend, I’ve never once thought of her that way because we’re so similar and we were instantly comfortable around each other in pretty much every way. It’s so rare to find someone that you just fit with, I cherish it and value it so much. Friends that I’ve trusted enough to share my inner monologue of positives and negatives spewed out onto these blog pages are friends that I hope I’m lucky enough to keep through the rest of my life.

I guess I’ve realised that this is actually a small insight into me that I’ve opened up to very few people. I’m happy that I’m not embarrassed or scared to share this with at least some people, baby steps eh.

I love my friends

I already posted a bit of a ramble about how much I’m the worst when I feel down, I shut myself away from people. Even the guys that love me and just want to support me along the way.

I’ve spent about the last three hours on the phone to two of those friends, they both get it. They know how useless I can be, I know I need to change it too. I need to get out of this rut that I keep getting into when I feel depressed. I’m gonna use this as a note to kick my arse into gear every time I haven’t got my phone with me, or I feel down and don’t pick up the phone to get picked back up by these guys.

I’m not physically near any of them right now, can’t afford to travel to see them either for at least a month. Which sucks, but they’re still right here. I picked up the phone and stopped being so useless and I just feel ten times better about today. I need these guys in my life so much more than anything else right now, I need to remember it.

When I see them next isn’t actually known, It’ll be sooner rather than later if i can help it. They’re the single only part of my last three years at university that I need to keep in my life. Even though I’ve moved on from the rest of it, these guys are with me for life, and to be completely honest: I couldn’t be any happier to have such an amazing bunch that I’d do anything for, I care so much about them all.

I must be difficult to be friends with

I can have “bad days” with M.E, I can get ill like someone else would and it knocks me on my ass. I can spend a week or two doing nothing, I don’t mean like some people do “nothing” and it turns out to be a lot. I mean nothing, barely leaving bed, becoming a hermit. It totally sucks, but it comes with my illness. I’ve accepted it, it can just be hard for some friends to tolerate or get used to.

Friends that have known me anywhere past six months just know it’s part of who I am, it’s not intentional, and I can’t help it. My biggest problem is that I ignore my phone and social media when I’m not feeling myself, or when I’m feeling depressed. I just shut myself off until I’m feeling better. Which I guess can be difficult.

I have some great friends who it doesn’t bother. At one point in the majority of my friendships it has been a problem at some point, generally when I’ve been in a state of relapsing and taking backwards steps (Happened after a messy breakup). So I guess the friends that haven’t seen me at my worst just think I’m being an arsehole, but it’s actually just my way of dealing with my own problem. Kinda sucks that it becomes a secondary problem that I need to explain it so much and try to give friends more understanding.

I get why it would be annoying though from the other side. Just wish I could swap this illness over to a friend on one of my bad days and give them the perspective they never actually get, even though they try to understand.

I’m trying online dating

This is a follow on from my previous blog post “So I’m thinking of online dating”. Check it out if you haven’t, or drop me some advice, share some of your own experiences with me. I’d love to hear them.

Yeah I’ve taken a day or two to come around to it and man up, but I’m tired and can’t sleep. This is often the sort of time where I make big decisions, you decide on if that’s sensible or dumb.

I’m going to sift through the massive amount of choices and after a little advice as well as a good amount of comforting from the super friendly author of http://intothebeauty.wordpress.com/. I’m not planning on spending any money here, just put some time into it. I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, time to nut up or shut up!

I’ll probably give updates on some details, though I’m expecting nothing out of this. Who knows? It’s an experience that I haven’t explored before, either way. It’ll be fun getting to know some new people, if we’re not compatible..well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained eh?

As super apprehensive as I am about it, I know I’m going to struggle a hell of a lot writing the little about myself. Wish me luck, I’m going in.

Bromance

So, I’m a heterosexual guy. Lets get that clear, though I like sausage. Not that kind of sausage, get your mind out of the gutter, god. I’m into girls. Just for clarity!

I made an awesome friend while I was at University, after I dropped out to seek a little happiness that I’d lost along the way..I guess I took it for granted that I was leaving behind a few things that I had in my life that did give me daily happiness, as well as a little sanity.

Just having a mate that lived four doors away from me that I could just call at the drop of a hat and say “brew?” and he’d just go “the door’s on the latch, come over” and hang up. Was simple, was effortless, and now I love hours away from my best friend. Or for that matter, from any of my friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to pieces. But I’m sure you understand what i’m getting at. My uni friends weren’t just uni friends, they were my friends. A lot of them I’ll have as part of my life for years to come, even if we’re not in the same place right now.

Anyway, no homo and all. But I miss my bro. I miss having someone just hang out with and shoot the shit. Times can get lonely in a new place. Nostalgia can occasionally bite you in the ass.