I’m a weird guy

I really had an awful “first” relationship, as in the first girl I slept with. It was only in University, to avoid a long back story: We shared a flat and lived together for a year, I told her I had feelings for her, she broke up with her long term ex, we were on and off constantly for maybe a year. It was awful and messy and really depressed me a lot.

We had a lot of things that were “ours”, like every couple I guess. One was that we’d watch “How I met your mother”, like..It’s a good show alright? It’s not great, nothing special. It aint Friends. But it was our thing, we watched every single episode together, we did marathons of watching them until we were waiting for them to be released and we’d watch them weekly.

It’s really fucking sad. It’s coming up to a year since we broken up and I still look back with weird emotions. I guess your first always has that weird hold and romanticised air of bullshit surrounding them. She was a shit girlfriend, she cheated on me, I moved on. But she hurt me a lot, I was really naive. I kept going back to her constantly, she could click her fingers and I’d come running. After a while that flipped around, I could do the same.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I’ve realised that I need to move on, jesus christ. I’ll never move past anyone if I can’t move past this. So it’s a tiny pathetic step to more recent pain, which doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. I’m gonna pick up where I left off with that show, I haven’t watched it since we broke up. I’ve never watched it alone. Really weird, but it’s a forward step one way or another I guess.

Another mini-break

So tomorrow I was planning to go celebrate my birthday with a big blow out of sorts with all of my favourite people in this world  – friends made in university.

Though it turns out everyone is really busy this week, friends working and so on. I actually don’t mind too much. Unlike last visit, I won’t be feeling spread so thin. My plan is to hang with two of my best mates, either together or at separate times. Grab a brief coffee with another before he has to dash (we chat on the phone occasionally and pick up things where we left off regardless of the gap in time).

I’m planning on having a few pints, a good catch up. Followed by staying over with another mate, the plan is just to wake up and spend a lazy saturday smoking weed and watching films, tv shows, cartoons and whatever other crap we stumble across together. I really can’t wait. I don’t really get high too often, but it’s a good release. I just want to chill and feel that ease in my life for a short while before I really start making progress. I have so many things to do.

I’m not going to see Emily this weekend, she’s back home visiting her family. In a way it’s a good thing, we both need the space. In another I’m just really sad that I can’t at least steal a little time, or just a hug, even just take her hand in mine for that brief passing second.

She Skype called me today for my birthday, it was really nice just to have that time. I had a constant smile on my face that only she can bring out of me whenever she wants to. I feel like a better person when she’s with me, one way or another.

As much as I wore a huge grin through our entire chat, I just had a huge lump in my throat too. I promised her I would write her a letter, I’ve destroyed a small tree worth of paper with letters that nobody will read. I’m going to just finish a letter and send it, I might drop it by while she isn’t there so it’s waiting. I need to stop being a coward, essentially!

But anyway, I got off on a total tangent. I do that a lot eh? I need this break, I need a little recharge. No more boundaries that I can’t tackle, none of that bullshit. Moving forward.

Fall Back Down

I stumbled across another cover that I didn’t know existed of this classic. It’s pretty much the song of my childhood, my Dad’s a hardcore Rancid fan. Therefore I am. This song speaks to me about so many different people through my life.

Over summer Emily has been my rock, I’ve been hers too really. We’ve both needed it in our own ways.

One I’ve never met in real life even, but she has always been there like that.She helped me through my darkest points when I was ill.

Another friend I met through gaming, just like the last I mentioned. We’ve met a lot of times and get along great. He hasn’t always been there at an emotional level, but we always have gaming as our outlet together when things go badly. We rely on each other like that.

One is my childhood best bud. We’ve been through thick and thin. When my parents were on the verge of divorce I remember going on a long weekend trip with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in a long time though we’re always in touch and pick things up where we left off.

My trio of bros that I met in university are like brothers to me, they’ve helped me through so much. Dragged me out of depression once already.

This time it’s completely up to me to find myself and I feel like this song doesn’t apply to me anymore. I envy my history that I’ve always had people around me to pick me up in their own way. I really need it right now and I’m lost looking for that person to rely on. I feel very selfish for saying that, but my friends are my strength. I need them. There’s no shame in that, there’s actually a lot of pride from me.

If you haven’t heard the song I’m talking about, find your favourite version from these. I’m undecided.

Acceptance

So I recently shared my “anonymous” blog with three people. One that I’d just met through OkCupid that I’ve previously mentioned, she was interested in what I blogged about, she’s maybe reading this I guess! Well hey, it’s quite nice to share such a personal insight into myself in a way, though it’s daunting and I feel that I’m probably being judged. Ah well!

I also shared it with two of my closest friends that know me so well that I don’t think anything personal I’ve shared will really bother them, I don’t worry that they’ll think any less of me, or think of me differently. One has been my friend for so long and she helped me through so much, my lowest lows. I actually realised after sharing it with her that I’ve almost taken some of my thought processes and approaches to certain parts of life from her. I can’t thank her enough for that to be honest, I remember she told me once that I pretty much became a man over the time we got to know each other to more recently. (Or words to that effect anyway)

The other friend I shared it with is actually a newer friend, I’ve never once thought of her that way because we’re so similar and we were instantly comfortable around each other in pretty much every way. It’s so rare to find someone that you just fit with, I cherish it and value it so much. Friends that I’ve trusted enough to share my inner monologue of positives and negatives spewed out onto these blog pages are friends that I hope I’m lucky enough to keep through the rest of my life.

I guess I’ve realised that this is actually a small insight into me that I’ve opened up to very few people. I’m happy that I’m not embarrassed or scared to share this with at least some people, baby steps eh.

I must be difficult to be friends with

I can have “bad days” with M.E, I can get ill like someone else would and it knocks me on my ass. I can spend a week or two doing nothing, I don’t mean like some people do “nothing” and it turns out to be a lot. I mean nothing, barely leaving bed, becoming a hermit. It totally sucks, but it comes with my illness. I’ve accepted it, it can just be hard for some friends to tolerate or get used to.

Friends that have known me anywhere past six months just know it’s part of who I am, it’s not intentional, and I can’t help it. My biggest problem is that I ignore my phone and social media when I’m not feeling myself, or when I’m feeling depressed. I just shut myself off until I’m feeling better. Which I guess can be difficult.

I have some great friends who it doesn’t bother. At one point in the majority of my friendships it has been a problem at some point, generally when I’ve been in a state of relapsing and taking backwards steps (Happened after a messy breakup). So I guess the friends that haven’t seen me at my worst just think I’m being an arsehole, but it’s actually just my way of dealing with my own problem. Kinda sucks that it becomes a secondary problem that I need to explain it so much and try to give friends more understanding.

I get why it would be annoying though from the other side. Just wish I could swap this illness over to a friend on one of my bad days and give them the perspective they never actually get, even though they try to understand.