Tiring, sleepless nights. Alone with my thoughts

I have such a struggle with sleep lately, to the point of exhaustion. So many thoughts in my head. To be honest though, not the same all over the place thoughts about anything and everything of my life for once. I just can’t stop thinking about someone.

Telling an already really close friend that you feel more for them is totally daunting, but this is so different to any situation I’ve been in. I think about how much we have in common, how comfortable and..right it felt just to hold you. I’m just stupidly, head over heels infatuated with you in the most complicated way. I wish it wasn’t complicated, I’m sure the saying is: nothing worth having is ever easy. Can’t remember where I heard it, but it’s pretty fitting.

I’m so bad when I’m just left to my thoughts, but I guess that’s a big part of why I started blogging, it’s a little outlet for my mind to drop some of the baggage off. Which sounds weird when I put it like that. I worry so much that you think more of me than I’m actually worth. I’m not the great catch you see me as, even though I want someone that thinks that highly of me. It makes me worry that I can’t live up to your expectations. Sleepless nights and thoughts really make me sound insane sometimes I swear.

Right now: I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m scared, I’m nervous. I want to sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but my mind doesn’t want dreams to turn to nightmares. Certain song lyrics stick with me at times and I relate to them in my own personal way. So many songs have memories of emotions and certain times in my life. Both old and new.

Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?

Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

(On the wing – Owl City)

Does anything feel strange?

‘Cos you’re like a perfect dream and I can’t seem to awake

I’ll lose it all somehow.

(Holiday – Swimming with Dolphins)

Please don’t, don’t make me sleep alone
If I could, I’d only wanna make you smile
If you wanna stay with me a while
(Make you smile – +44)

Take my hand,

I’ll teach you to dance,

I’ll spin you around, won’t let you fall down,

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet,

Give it a try, it’ll be alright

(All about us – He Is We)

Acceptance

So I recently shared my “anonymous” blog with three people. One that I’d just met through OkCupid that I’ve previously mentioned, she was interested in what I blogged about, she’s maybe reading this I guess! Well hey, it’s quite nice to share such a personal insight into myself in a way, though it’s daunting and I feel that I’m probably being judged. Ah well!

I also shared it with two of my closest friends that know me so well that I don’t think anything personal I’ve shared will really bother them, I don’t worry that they’ll think any less of me, or think of me differently. One has been my friend for so long and she helped me through so much, my lowest lows. I actually realised after sharing it with her that I’ve almost taken some of my thought processes and approaches to certain parts of life from her. I can’t thank her enough for that to be honest, I remember she told me once that I pretty much became a man over the time we got to know each other to more recently. (Or words to that effect anyway)

The other friend I shared it with is actually a newer friend, I’ve never once thought of her that way because we’re so similar and we were instantly comfortable around each other in pretty much every way. It’s so rare to find someone that you just fit with, I cherish it and value it so much. Friends that I’ve trusted enough to share my inner monologue of positives and negatives spewed out onto these blog pages are friends that I hope I’m lucky enough to keep through the rest of my life.

I guess I’ve realised that this is actually a small insight into me that I’ve opened up to very few people. I’m happy that I’m not embarrassed or scared to share this with at least some people, baby steps eh.

Perception

The last week in particular has opened my eyes a little and made me realise that I’m pessimistic, I thought I was a realist but I think I’ve slipped into having a skewed view of myself.
The way I thought people view me is this short, nerdy guy that’s really awkward, average looking at best and I generally thought my personality is my only good trait, which people would never initially even see.To put it generally anyway. It’s fairly clear when I write that down that I don’t think all that much of myself huh, I didn’t realise I put myself down that much until it’s written down in front of me to see for myself.

I worked at V-festival over the weekend. It was a crappy litter picking job, I did it last year too. I have spare time in a shift to see the odd acts that I want to see and get paid along the way. Can’t really complain. This year I got to see Eddie Izzard and The Vaccines in particular. Because of where I worked I heard from a ton of DJs and seen so many people off their face while I was sober as a judge.

Anyway, off the point entirely. The way I perceive myself, right. The point I was getting to is that while I worked there I was constantly surrounded by around 50 other staff members doing various things, all of which I’d class as more respectable jobs than the crap I was doing. I realised that I’m a confident guy that is really easy to talk to. I’m kind, I’m thoughtful and understanding. I’m compassionate. People like me when they meet me. I can be sarcastic, I honestly think that’s the only thing people don’t always like about me.

So I guess this weekend made me realise that I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, I’m definitely not the teenager I was. I’m definitely not perceived how I still expect to be for some reason, I probably never was either.

The way people perceive you isn’t always what you expect, don’t be a pessimist like me. At the end of the day, there’s only one thing you can concentrate on. I know for sure it isn’t worrying about what other people think of you, or how you’ll be judged daily. People judge based on multiple things, appearance, how you sound, what they already know about you. Simple, petty things sometimes.

The only thing you can do to change how you are perceived is to not even think about it and to concentrate on being the best version of you that you can be. As long as you do that and find your own happiness, well I think that people will see that.

You are appreciated, you are worth care and attention that you crave one way or another. You’ll find it. I’m not saying that people won’t judge you along the way or that nobody will think you’re a dick. But that’s life.

I definitely have a better idea of how I’m perceived now, feels like a weird realisation but one worthy of sharing and thinking about.