Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

Had to get up fairly early after roughly a few hours sleep, oh the pain. To be told that the work experience being arranged for me is essentially not organised in a week that they’ve had to do it. The woman I had a meeting arranged to see wasn’t even there to see me either. Shit huh! Ah well, I actually got ready in roughly 2 minutes, skinny black jeans, red and white checked shirt. I actually had a fair bit of confidence today and look pretty good! So that’s a nice feeling.

I don’t know if as such a night owl I’ve never seen it before, or it was just a coincidence? Everyone was cheery, bright and happy to see me! Strangers wishing me good morning, people sharing a smile with me, it was lovely. Is this an exclusive morning people club that I miss out on normally? This brings me onto my second theory: A confident Northern English lad with (questionable) facial hair and glasses being cheerful in a small town in Essex is better received than I’d expect and Northern charm is actually a thing, not just a sarcastic thing that I’ve made up. I have no idea, maybe both? Maybe neither!

I’ve had very little job luck, considering the last two “interviews” I’ve had have been ran by the worst companies I could’ve had the dumb luck to be interested in..I’m starting to be a little less naive about the hiring process. I’m actually in a good place when it comes to being a happy individual, I’m getting there. It’s a slow process, but I think finding a job that I would genuinely like to do is a must for me right now, or I’ll just spiral back into a pit of depression. Which is actually why I left University in the first place: To find that happy place that I was missing in the day to day stuff, it’s still a work in progress.

For some reason I’m writing less, I don’t know why that is. I’m not overly busy, I guess I spend a lot of time sharing skype calls and chatting to my favourite American girl. We’re mutually weird together, I love it. It’s definitely something I need in my life, someone that thinks a lot of me and cares. Granted it’s coming from a source I wouldn’t have ever expected, but it is what it is y’know?

I’m sort of picking myself up though again after a speed bump in my day earlier on. It’s funny what one song will do to you sometimes, moving on is hard some days. I’m still hurting a lot, no way to sugar coat that one I guess.

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100th post – one of my favourite songs covered and a small update

So I had an awful night, it’s very Emily related. I think things are done, like finished. Over. I guess? I don’t really want to talk about it, I’m kinda numb to it and I think I should just try to move forward and try to grow as a person. I’m really upset and I didn’t want this sort of thing to define my milestone of 100 posts, it has been a weird ride. I wouldn’t say I’ve even made any forward steps over this amount of time. I’ve met some really nice people, and this experience helps me a lot. But progress? Lacking. I’m definitely a work in progress.

I just got myself a spur of the moment haircut, I’d pretty much say to put it simply I now have a Macklemore haircut. I feel very Essex and it isn’t me, but it looks smart, and I think it suits me. Whatever, the beauty is that hair grows eh? But in a suit I’ll be fairly dapper for my interview Monday.

I had a spare 5 minutes to myself so just picked up my guitar and recorded this: I love this song, I can hardly compare to the original but that doesn’t bother me. I guess this song sums up my current mood pretty aptly. Have a great weekend.

Online Dating thoughts

I’ve only been trying this out for a real short amount of time, I’ve already found a few issues, or just little annoyances I guess! It’s still not a perfect system, for sure. It feels more like a work in progress really.

I live close in Essex. This means people in London are classed as “nearby”. That’s 95% of my matches, which limits quite a lot. I’ve already met someone that I’m probably going to head into London to meet, but it turns into a day trip and it’s not cheap to be honest. Could just be a massive disappointment, but if you don’t try you won’t know I guess!

I think my “matches” are hard to work out, I don’t even know my type half the time, good luck internet working that one out.

I keep running into girls that look like my ex and remembering that’s my type, which I still find a little uncomfortable, or it feels wrong.

I get the feeling my type doesn’t live in Essex. Or they’re taken, or hiding. Probably taken. I’ll keep up with it, I’m sure something interesting will come from the experience one way or another, I can’t be the only one that has this problem though!

 

Past, Present and Future

I remember back when I was only fifteen, I had one of my first girlfriends. Our relationship was one of those weird, shy, a lot of text chatting and online chatting. I was into Blink-182 at the time, yeah I was one of those losers, and my band played “All the small things”, for my birthday, she actually left me roses by the stairs (as the lyrics in the song go). I was mortified, to be honest. It’s really funny, I look back and I’d say this girl cared more about me that any others have, in my mind. She probably has no idea who I am, realistically. I found out that she recently got married, which I felt really odd about. Mainly just made me feel quite down.

Anyway, I’m too good at rambling.

What I was more trying to touch on was that I’ve only had two really “meaningful” relationships, both since I went to University. The only two girls that I’ve slept with, which I pride myself on, rather than shy away from that fact. Some people react like it’s a bad thing, being a “lad” that has only slept with two girls even though he’s 21. Fuck the guys that react like that though, to be blunt.

Anyway, I’m trying to give a little insight along the way, to give some context to my thinking out loud here. Essentially over a span of almost three years, I had two relationships. In that time, I was cheated on by both of them. I’ve came to the conclusion I’m too nice, but that just makes me think that if I attract girls that want to treat me like this..I’m just going to stay lonely.

Maybe I’m a pessimist. I’m probably just realistic. 

Really recently, a friend that I only met because of my now ex turns out to be the best thing to come out of that failed relationship. She’s the best, and we’re so alike in so many ways, including what we want from our lives. Of course, like any girl that thinks highly of me, or even notices me for that matter. She’s taken, those two are great together. Trying to avoid difficult, uncomfortable conversations with someone you’re so close to is hard. Especially when you both clearly care about each other. Also, distancing myself from being the guy that the girlfriend vents to about their boyfriend. That’s a bad position to get comfortable being in.

Maybe in ten years time I’ll read this and just think “You asshole, you were so lame”. I kinda hope that happens!

It’s just really lonely, I live in Essex now. After University I’m back living with my parents, hours and hours away from where I was born and raised. I don’t know anyone that lives here but my brother and parents. It’s real lonely, I’m still looking for work. I’m totally cut off from anything social, there’s no way of meeting new people at my age that’s not creepy, is there?

I genuinely can’t think of any! It’s real weird, any ideas or experiences similar to hear about would be really interesting to hear.

Anyway, my future can be as bright as I make it. With a little look and perseverance along the way. I’m really good at self deprecation apparently and feel really lonely right now. Soon enough I’ll hopefully be posting about feeling at home here, or having found someone amazing.

But for right now, the future’s an unpainted canvas. Better keep dreaming.