Aspiration and demotivation

I constantly want to further myself in whatever I can do, whether it’s playing guitar and singing as a hobby, songwriting (Which I suck at) or looking to find a job that I can build towards and love to do.

My biggest problem (That i’m aware of) is that I see someone that’s better than me and I get really demotivated. Yeah I know, there are lots of people that are better than me. Whether that’s E-Sports journalists, amateur singers / guitarists that I find online.

I really shouldn’t care about other people, if anything I should learn from them. I just want to do MY best with whatever I do in my life. I’m constantly on the tight rope of..not even happiness, just the balancing act of avoiding depression. I fall a lot and pick myself up, but I’ve been doing it my entire life. I can’t keep going the same way that I do like this. Something drastic has to change, I don’t even know what.

I’ll work that one out. As well as that, the company that I’m so excited to write for (I’m on a trial period) was meant to last a fortnight, that equals the same amount of time that I’ve had to wait for them to post my two articles (the second still isn’t live, it has been approved for over a week). It’s just really demotivating, I’ve been looking for other websites that I could approach to write for, or considering dropping it. The latter doesn’t last long, because I’m passionate about it. But it takes a lot of work to get into journalism for League of Legends especially. It’s a hugely over saturated market right now, I’m a raindrop in the ocean. I have nothing that puts me apart from anyone other than my determination. If I could afford a good quality microphone and a good pc I could actually create content that isn’t just written and appeal to a bigger audience. I really need to do that, but I can’t afford to do a damn thing with the low wages I’ll be on. Ugh. Sometimes things just suck, y’know?


I haven’t made much clear about aspirations that I have in my own life, beyond relationships and happiness. So here’s an insight and a little update.

I’ve always been a nerd, and I pride myself in how good I am at gaming. I tend to take a game I like and play it to extremes, I’m really competitive, I always will be. My most recent (I get the feeling this one will stick) over the last few years has been League of Legends. Now I’m at a point in my life where I don’t just want this to be a hobby, I want to work in E-Sports and be a part of something that I love. Much easier said than done, right?

I applied to Riot Games who have an office over in this side of the world in Dublin, though they’ll receive so many that I’m a goldfish that is out at sea to these guys. I’m working on making myself stand out and in a dream world that I want to make a reality: I want to work with and around people that share my passion for something.

You’ll probably have noticed if you’re reading this that I love writing, and it comes quite naturally to me, it always has. Even if I still don’t think I do it enough. I’m trying to get my foot in the door so to speak and get something physical to show for my passion and knowledge of the game that I play which can be applied to a workplace.

I started off writing blog pieces as a little hobby for my best friend that runs a general gaming review website. I had a lot of fun writing weekly articles and got more hits than he had expected, but no real exposure can come when there is a lot more readily available content online for people, so they don’t need to search for it. (Reddit and well known forums are used so much) After a while I found it quite demotivating to get very little feedback or views on this, and it wasn’t much to show for so I slowed down on posting content and found motivation difficult with it.

Though I didn’t expect it to come to anything, I sent out an email to a big, well known company within League of Legends and other E-Sports communities, Team Dignitas. Within a few hours I got a response, a day on after a small chat to the manager, I’ve got myself a trial period writing articles for their site.

I’m stupidly happy about it, and it gives me huge motivation. It feels like a baby step, most people won’t class it as a forward step, even. But it could be the first step for me in my bigger picture. I’d love to be a part of journalism for E-Sports and League of Legends is the largest game in the world right now, it’s only going to grow larger in the next years.

It’s a voluntary, unpaid role. Though you get merchandise perks, which is kinda nice. It’s something I can keep chipping away at, my blog posts will be tweeted out to almost 50,000 followers and I’ll get a little exposure.I’m excited. For now it’s a hobby, but who knows. I just need to be noticed. You know what, I want to look back at this and say this is where it all started. I’m going to make it happen.