Perception

I often spend time pondering how others perceive me. The main reason for this today is that I bought, tobacco as usual at the local store that’s closest to me. I didn’t make any sort of effort, and it’s pretty cold. So I was just in a t shirt, a shirt layered on top and a hoodie, skinnie jeans and my vans. Standard lazy clothing.

I came to the realisation that since moving back home this summer and turning 22, I’ve not once been asked for ID when I buy tobacco. This is totally alien to me, I mean..I look so young, generally that’s one thing people will note about me. Being 5″5 adds to this for sure haha.

So is it because i’m in the south of England now and I have a low, northern accent? Is it that I have a vague attempt at facial hair? Is it that I’m more mature than I realise? Is it that I don’t look as young as I think?! It may be a collection of these things, or that they just don’t care to ID people without good reason around here.

I have no idea, but it makes me feel old. I don’t know, but I don’t think I like it! I mean, someone can mistake a younger girl as older because of makeup and how she dresses pretty easily. But as a guy, it’s harder to fake age? I don’t think I accidentally look older than I should. I’m only 22! I was even told I look 24 today, not sure how I feel about that.

Is everyone as curious as I am about how they’re perceived day-to-day? My brain works in mysterious and sometimes amusing ways.

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Melancholy Contemplation

I think this is the first time that I’ve felt my blog title fits a lot of my ramblings.

I was walking through my small town and I guess I can tell how weird a place I’m in right now based on my thoughts that I’ll share.

I was looking at people pass by me and just thinking to myself – these people are nothing to me, they’re nothing to each other. They only have any meaning to a small amount of people, they probably mean very little to a lot of people that know them. They’ve never made a dent in this ocean of a world that we’re stuck on.

I just find it very daunting to accept that I’ll never make an impact in a global sense. Microscopic chance. That sounds egotistical, but everyone wants that one way or another. They want to feel important. I crave the feeling of worth right now, in any way. Be it to people around me or the chance to impact someone else in a positive way.

Over the last year I make it a habit to spend 5 or 10 minutes of my time to just chat to someone that’s homeless, roll them a few cigarettes and give them any change I have handy. I like to feel that even if it’s just a passing “This Buddy Holly looking fucker has just made my day”, or that giving him my lunch, change and a few fags has left a short term positive for them.

Look, I don’t know. Some people use that change to aid drug or alcohol problems, I’m not an idiot. But people forget that homeless people on the streets are humans that are so commonly looked through and ignored. I can’t deal with that, even if it’s the tiniest thing. At least I can make a small contribution to helping the world, it’s all I have. I’d hope better of everyone in that scenario, but it’s too easy to disconnect ourselves from that in society.

I think in a lot of ways I’ve realised that I hate this world in so many ways. I hate how a lot of people are and how society accepts them when others that arguably deserve more aren’t even given our simple respect or 5 little minutes of our life to be regarded how they should be.

Soundtrack to my day

I’ve been listening to all sorts really, but this song is brilliant. Sort of fits my mood lately in the whole negative light. Yeah I’m working on that, sorry. 

I don’t like music that’s generally shouting and aggressive a lot of the time. But sometimes it’s a nice release. I’ve got a whole playlist with The Bronx, Rage Against the Machine, Rancid, The Distillers, Lars Fredriksen, Operation Ivy, Misfits, Gallows and System of a Down on. Sometimes, rarely it fits my mood. I’ve grown up around my dad actually listening to this sort of stuff. I know it all really well.

I had the pleasure to see these guys live in Bristol early this year and they didn’t disappoint. It’s not the sort of gig that I ever feel like I fit in at, I even came out with a shiner from a good elbow to the face in the mosh pit. Was an experience you could say haha.

Hired

So after my interview thursday at a local primary school for an administration job, I was called the day after asking to come in for a meeting with the business manager. I was pretty chuffed, I’d shown my interest in two of their available posts. I was the first person of several that interviewed for the same job, and clearly it did go as well as I thought. I’m starting next Monday, I’m pretty relieved to have found something. Having nothing to do here while unemployed is pretty frustrating and lonely as well.

This’ll actually be my first full time job, I’ve either been ill or in education upto this point. I hope that I can cope with the hours, to be honest, I don’t think there’ll be very often I’m rushed off my feet after meeting everyone in the office that I’ll work in. I think I might actually be the only guy that will work in the office. Good job they already all really like me haha (Two of the women I’ll be working with interviewed me)

I’m really looking forward to it. It pays really badly because it’s only an apprenticeship, but I pick up the relevant qualifications. So in the long term it’s worthwhile, even if I don’t find use for the administration qualification. No experience is bad experience I figure. It seems like a really nice environment to be in.

She did warn me of the importance of how we come across to parents, that they’ll be shouting at me and I just have to take it. I had a thought in my head of just straight telling an annoying parent to fuck off. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that. Better not..