Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright

It’s been too long and I’ve been meaning to write but I’m finding it too difficult. Here’s a cover that I didn’t entirely hate my recording of.

A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

Fall Back Down

I stumbled across another cover that I didn’t know existed of this classic. It’s pretty much the song of my childhood, my Dad’s a hardcore Rancid fan. Therefore I am. This song speaks to me about so many different people through my life.

Over summer Emily has been my rock, I’ve been hers too really. We’ve both needed it in our own ways.

One I’ve never met in real life even, but she has always been there like that.She helped me through my darkest points when I was ill.

Another friend I met through gaming, just like the last I mentioned. We’ve met a lot of times and get along great. He hasn’t always been there at an emotional level, but we always have gaming as our outlet together when things go badly. We rely on each other like that.

One is my childhood best bud. We’ve been through thick and thin. When my parents were on the verge of divorce I remember going on a long weekend trip with him and his family. I haven’t seen him in a long time though we’re always in touch and pick things up where we left off.

My trio of bros that I met in university are like brothers to me, they’ve helped me through so much. Dragged me out of depression once already.

This time it’s completely up to me to find myself and I feel like this song doesn’t apply to me anymore. I envy my history that I’ve always had people around me to pick me up in their own way. I really need it right now and I’m lost looking for that person to rely on. I feel very selfish for saying that, but my friends are my strength. I need them. There’s no shame in that, there’s actually a lot of pride from me.

If you haven’t heard the song I’m talking about, find your favourite version from these. I’m undecided.

Today

Today for me has mainly consisted of lying in bed until fairly recently and moping. I swear I’m far too good at it. I’ve hit a weird point of thinking about my life and how it really feels like there’s so little for me. I need to find that desire and hunger for something that I can make a solid part of my life.

I’ve realised that through either pride, fear or otherwise that even my closest friends don’t know everything that’s going on in my life right now. One way or another, be it about my unhappiness, my personal struggles, my relationship failures or otherwise. I contacted the primary school that held a job for me and told them that I had been offered another role. That’s bullshit though, I just didn’t want to work there after giving it thought. I’d hate it and feel like I’m not making any forward progress.

I just don’t know where I’m going or what to do with myself right now. I should probably have a better idea right now. I just don’t.

Motivational Wall

This always seems to happen to me. If anything “big” to me is going on in my life I have a habit of really getting down on myself with doubt and worry. It makes me realise I really have a problem with anxiety, I hate it. It’s totally overwhelming.

It gets in the way of everything I do, my blog trial for the gaming company released my first entry and I was so excited for the next two days, I still haven’t gotten much feedback from them. They seem really unorganised, but I guess I’m a trial writer for a big company and I’m only in direct contact with the content manager for the entire site.

Since then I’ve worked on drafts for two different articles in the last week, but I keep wanting it to be perfect. I’ve worked on theories and tried countless different things. I keep doubting myself, even though I know 100% that I’m an expert at League of Legends, so blogging about it is really no problem. I enjoy writing. I love writing actually. I just keep getting hung up on little details rather than a bigger picture.

That applies to a lot of scenarios though.

Today I’m going to be productive. I have no excuse not to complete my next article, and it’ll be great. I think I’ll get really good feedback from it, the article is unique and well thought out. It just scares me that I can lose motivation for things that I’m really passionate about. It scares me a lot.

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Late night headfuck

I can’t sleep lately, my head is full of thoughts bouncing around in my head. I wish it wasn’t the brighter thoughts trying not to be overwhelmed by the darkness, but it is. Sometimes they lose that constant fight and the dark thoughts flood out.

I miss you. I’m lonely. I want to hold you. I want to feel like someone needs me again. I want to know if you even think about me now. Have you moved on? Did you really love me? Do you even have any idea of the damage you’ve done to me? I gave you so much, I made myself truly vulnerable.

The floodgates are open, what upsets me the most is that you have no idea. You didn’t at the time.

I gave too much of myself to you and you didn’t give me anything back. I just feel empty. I shouldn’t any more. I didn’t when I broke up with you. Where did these feelings even come from?

I’m stuck to carry these painful feelings with me like scars. Though at least a scar is proof that something has healed.

Step one. I’m reclaiming this song, lets not waste it. How can it have been “our” song, if you didn’t even tell him about us?

Baby steps

I just need to stop and take a little perspective sometimes, try not to feel so engulfed by everything that’s going on with me. To quote one of my favourite movies of all time:

Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

Right now for me, this is the simplest of things, but who said happiness had to be complex? I know I’ll get there, even if right now even just typing that my head is telling me something counter-productive.

I’ve spent my entire morning until now with my guitar, I actually had to dust it off. Thanks to my M.E that I deal with just fine, some things are always going to be difficult to do without it sapping my energy. I have a fresh blister or two on my fingers, I’m mentally and physically nackered, but I’ve done something with my day. Baby steps.

I’ve actually committed to trying a dating site last night while I had another sleepless night. Coffee is my friend right now, but so are a few people I’ve already had a chance to speak to. Even if it’s brief, those interactions put a smile on my face. I’ll post more on this later. But for now, I’ll keep enjoying the little things and shed a bit of light on the dark cloud that I still can’t get away from.

Baby steps.

Some days are hard

It can take only a little thing to ruin my day sometimes, I can run from shadows as long as I like, but it’s dark once a day. Overwhelming darkness enveloping me is just so unavoidable. Some days this feeling is just in the back of my mind, even smiles are attainable. Days like today I verge on breaking into tears if someone just looks at me the wrong way.

My life feels so fragile, and yet so worthless at the same time. I want these feelings to go, I want to get away from these feelings. I’m carrying this stupid, needless weight with me daily and not trying to offload it at all. I can give people advice all day, but dealing with my own problems is too hard.

So for now until I work out the answer to the questions I have in my life, I’ll have to stay with this darkness over me.

Days like this just make me wonder why I’m here, I need to find my own reason. All that I’m aware of now is how painfully lost I am right now.