Relapse

Relapse. It’s not a word that I like to use. It’s something that I can never say that I’m doing at the time, but something that I can reflect on having done as a chronic fatigue sufferer multiple times, to differing severities.

I’ve reflected upon the last week, I only left my house once. Excluding the garden where i’d only sit for a coffee or talk on the phone for privacy. Like, wow. I didn’t realise until just now, that’s awful and makes me realise how little I do anything at home. Especially so when I feel awful.

Exhaustion for me leads to being in bed until the late afternoon (It’s linked to lack of motivation and struggling with a lot of things, but everything is impacted), this leads to me never sleeping at regular hours, if at all through the night. In a way it’s a good job I’m not working right now, because I wouldn’t cope at all.

Muscle pain is just constant, ibuprofen is like daily meds for me right now. The odd trip to a shop or taking the dog for a walk just murders me for a few days and I feel awful. I think I’m so distracted with what’s going on in my head that physically I don’t even think about things.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve relapsed, but I know my body well enough to see that I’m struggling right now and I’ve taken a few backwards steps.

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Timing

Timing is the time when something happens or the spacing of events in time.

The definition of timing that I prefer when I looked for one is the way that timing is used in music:

The ability to “keep time” accurately and to synchronise to an ensemble

 

Timing has always been a big fixture in my life, generally bad. In many different contexts: Health, relationships and studies in particular.

When I was 14, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (https://melancholycontemplation.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/living-with-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/). This happened when I was playing football constantly and any other sport that was happening, and loving it. I was in a band, spending every weekend with friends and being a fairly average aspirational teen. I got really ill, my life went to a total stand still. Bad timing.

With the only relationships I’ve had that I’d even value enough to mention, both girls in these two relationships were still invested in their exes and things were messy. Awful timing.

Lets put it this way, patience is a trait that I’ve learned to have buckets of. I’ve had to learn to otherwise I’d be in such a bad place right now, I’d probably still be bed-bound after pushing myself too far and getting exhausted. I’d like to think there’s some reward for patience. I think there is. There’s never perfect timing, for me anyway. Maybe I’ll just get to a point in my life and everything will line up. For now, patience is key, timing is awful. I’m okay with that.