Dangerously underweight

I weighed myself this week and realised that i’ve lost about half a stone in the space of around three months. I’m 7 and a half stone, or 105 pounds (I think?) for those that use pounds. I lost a lot of weight when I was ill and slowly built back up to around 8 and a half stone. So realising that i’ve lost this much weight not only scares me, but it disgusts me.

I just checked my BMI before this, as a sort of reference:

BMI

My self confidence is literally at an all time low. I don’t even think I could physically be with anyone the way that I feel right now, it’s a good job I’m hopelessly single eh? I can see my rib cage clearer than ever. It’s just horrible. There’s literally no way anyone can find me attractive as I am. I genuinely believe that.

I wanted this to be my point where I’ve realised and accepted that I need to bulk up a little and at least find a healthy weight. I think my target should be around 9 stone. The motivation is simply that I hate my body more than I ever have, it can’t stay this way.

I hate to be one to complain (Yet I do it a lot huh, ironic), but I’m sick of people that are overweight complaining. It costs you nothing, you probably save money eating healthier and exercising. For me – I get exhausted, terrible muscle and joint pain for days after a simple run. I can’t afford to eat my body weight in KFC (as much as I’d love to), and I have no sympathy for you. Like at all. My situation is so much worse, and i’m probably as unhealthy as you.

What actually bugs me more is how much I struggle to gain weight compared to how easy it is to lose weight, yet there’s half a Tesco full of low fat bullshit. I have to dig around to find anything that is full fat or simply not just low fat. Ugh. Yeah i’m done ranting, I just hate the way society approaches the topic.

Underweight

So I’m a short guy, (5″5) and really slender, last time I visited the doctors and had a basic height and weight check I was basically classed as practically anorexic on the BMI scale. Doubting that has changed. I have really high metabolism so putting weight on is pretty challenging. Since I got ill when I was about 14, I lost about a stone and haven’t really put on any weight since. I haven’t really got any left to lose either.

I realise lately that I have such a problem with eating, I just have so little motivation and find eating a chore even sometimes. I get that sounds a bit weird, it is really isn’t it? I get the feeling unless I change how I think about it I’ll always stay the same weight, it doesn’t hugely bother me but I can have some days where I’ll just feel awful about myself. Just daily eating seems to be a challenge, is it just me that feels like this about food?

It’s not that I have a massive complex about my body image or anything like that, I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin generally. I just struggle to actually eat three meals a day and have a set routine that I don’t get frustrated with.

I guess I should make more of an effort to sort this out before I waste away. As my grandma always says “That boy needs a good tatie pot!”. You can tell she’s Cumbrian haha. I need to find some way to motivate myself with a healthy combination of weight and muscle gain. I fucking hate exercise without some sort of goal though, when I was younger I lived, ate and slept football until I was told I couldn’t anymore after getting ill. I lost pretty much all of my muscle mass that I once had, I’m just scrawny now. I’d actually love to take up boxing or something similar because I could compete, but if I was put into a weight division right now I’d be fighting 14 year old girls.

I guess I still haven’t worked out how do motivate myself to be healthier. I actually get very frustrated with people that complain about being overweight when I struggle so much in my own way. Very few people really understand it and they just think that they’d rather be my weight than theirs. They’re mistaken there.