The Versatile Blogger Award

So yesterday I had two notifications from two of my favourite writers letting me know that they both nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

Okay, so: Unknown facts about me, lets have a think…I share a lot with you y’know internet. Right. Uhm.

1.  When I was little I wanted to be a jockey. I ended up only being 5″5, maybe I wasn’t even that mad to dream..
2. In my home town a bull once escaped from the farmer’s market and strolled down the street past my brothers and I playing football.
3. I have a lot of charming nicknames from friends / brothers that seem to stick. (Benjamin Button, Yoda, Frodo, Tina, Swampy..I could probably go on, but they’re the notable ones. You get the idea.
4. I had long hair, right down to my arse at one point. From maybe 12 or so? to 18, it was awful. But I think more a point of being different than anything, and my parents let me do anything I wanted.
5. I overly romanticise everything, be it from the past or thoughts of the future.
6. I fucking hate Leonardo DiCaprio to the point of avoiding most movies he’s in for years before watching. I don’t even have a strong reason, don’t ask me.
7. Other than sharing on the internet, I’ve only sung properly in front of two people in person. I get massive solo anxiety, even thought I played in bands in my teen years.

I came to the realisation that I don’t read as many blogs as I should. I sort of have a small amount of favourites that I stumbled upon and haven’t branched out much more. I don’t really have a top 15, I’m awful, I know.

So, these are my absolute favourites that I get excited to read with every new post they make, I love them all for varying reasons. Check them all out, because they’re brilliant in their own individual and awesome ways.

I quite commonly just quietly observe and relate to these people, I occasionally drop by with messages. I should comment more often, because I know how it’s such a nice feeling to know people are appreciating your writing.

Time is of the Essence

Queer & Confused In Cape Town

^ (These two great writers nominated me, so thank you again!)

Existentialists R Us

in the end, it’s smoke

Tired Of Dating

HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY.

LET IT GO AND LET IT BE

whiskeyinateacupp

(My latest addition is a more recent discovery, I read the line “One thing is for sure, I’m in love with love. It’s such a beautiful thing.” and from there I’m sold, reading more of this blog today!

So there are only 8 blogs that I’m currently keeping up with on a constant basic, please point me towards more great people. I clearly don’t look enough, I’ve just happened to stumble across these ones along the way.

These guys are all great writers and are really interesting people, more importantly. I’d happily grab a pint (or a whiskey, or whatever other drink of choice) with each and every one of them and have an awesome time chatting about everything and anything.

Thanks for joining me along the way and for some reason finding me amusing. It’s muchly appreciated and to those I’ve mentioned in this blog: Thanks for being awesome, keep on keeping on. I love getting to read your newest posts.

What’s the crack?

I think that’s a northernism, I mean “What’s going on?” or “How’s it going?” by my title for those that wondered if I’d gone mental. Anyway, that’s cleared up. So, what’s the crack Callum?

Well after a wasteful, pretty relevant to the whole “melancholy contemplation” worthy day of nothingness I dragged my arse out of bed and decided to at least make productive steps.

I’ve got a job interview on Monday, I was approached by a company I applied at over summer and they kept me on file. Pretty sweet huh? All I really know is that the company is a marketing and PR firm, a pretty decent one at that. The job description is so far vague, but it’s a good sign that I was contacted and the job isn’t officially listed anywhere for new applications. I really hope this is the foot in the door that I need, it could be a total flop. Fingers crossed?

Gonna get myself a much shorter haircut that I’ve been complimented on many a time when I had it. Hard to argue with someone that I have a biased opinion of. I look good enough to be hired in a suit, Northern charm is totally a thing..honest.

Other than that, I’ve realised (Yeah it won’t sound like much to a lot of people) but I’m actually currently classed as part of the top 5% of all of Europe in League of Legends and still rising the ranked queue. This is all while playing on a laptop that barely even runs the game. The nerdy part of me wants to quote Jax from the game and say “Imagine if I had a real weapon”. Wow, yeah that happened. But it gives me a little self confidence that I AM good at what I invest time into, it’s not wasted and I’m quite at home where I am there.

So as a result of that I’m back on to writing articles and really putting effort into them. I’ve got new thoughts on certain aspects of the game that nobody seems to have picked up on so I need to go and get my content out there in an entertaining way that should be well received. I’m excited.

So yeah, not a lot is going on. But for a days worth there I feel as though there has been some degree of accomplishment and positivity. Granted this cloud is still hanging over me, but I almost caught a glimpse of the sunlight today.

Progress? I’ll take it.

A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

Aspiration and demotivation

I constantly want to further myself in whatever I can do, whether it’s playing guitar and singing as a hobby, songwriting (Which I suck at) or looking to find a job that I can build towards and love to do.

My biggest problem (That i’m aware of) is that I see someone that’s better than me and I get really demotivated. Yeah I know, there are lots of people that are better than me. Whether that’s E-Sports journalists, amateur singers / guitarists that I find online.

I really shouldn’t care about other people, if anything I should learn from them. I just want to do MY best with whatever I do in my life. I’m constantly on the tight rope of..not even happiness, just the balancing act of avoiding depression. I fall a lot and pick myself up, but I’ve been doing it my entire life. I can’t keep going the same way that I do like this. Something drastic has to change, I don’t even know what.

I’ll work that one out. As well as that, the company that I’m so excited to write for (I’m on a trial period) was meant to last a fortnight, that equals the same amount of time that I’ve had to wait for them to post my two articles (the second still isn’t live, it has been approved for over a week). It’s just really demotivating, I’ve been looking for other websites that I could approach to write for, or considering dropping it. The latter doesn’t last long, because I’m passionate about it. But it takes a lot of work to get into journalism for League of Legends especially. It’s a hugely over saturated market right now, I’m a raindrop in the ocean. I have nothing that puts me apart from anyone other than my determination. If I could afford a good quality microphone and a good pc I could actually create content that isn’t just written and appeal to a bigger audience. I really need to do that, but I can’t afford to do a damn thing with the low wages I’ll be on. Ugh. Sometimes things just suck, y’know?

Nice to meet you

I feel like for a personal blog, sharing so many intimate thoughts and feelings is a little strange when keeping things totally anonymous. I love that I feel so comfortable around such a positive, friendly and warm community around me. It’s small, I know. But I feel weird about hiding so much of myself when I give everything else away.

Blogging is a great experience, it’s great to meet everyone that has already dropped by: anyone who is interested enough to follow, anyone that cares enough to drop comments and share themselves with me. We’re all here for our own reasons, I guess I want to let my guard down on that level.

I’m Callum. It’s amazing to have met everyone that I have so far, and if you’re new here: It’s great to meet you 🙂

Hired

So after my interview thursday at a local primary school for an administration job, I was called the day after asking to come in for a meeting with the business manager. I was pretty chuffed, I’d shown my interest in two of their available posts. I was the first person of several that interviewed for the same job, and clearly it did go as well as I thought. I’m starting next Monday, I’m pretty relieved to have found something. Having nothing to do here while unemployed is pretty frustrating and lonely as well.

This’ll actually be my first full time job, I’ve either been ill or in education upto this point. I hope that I can cope with the hours, to be honest, I don’t think there’ll be very often I’m rushed off my feet after meeting everyone in the office that I’ll work in. I think I might actually be the only guy that will work in the office. Good job they already all really like me haha (Two of the women I’ll be working with interviewed me)

I’m really looking forward to it. It pays really badly because it’s only an apprenticeship, but I pick up the relevant qualifications. So in the long term it’s worthwhile, even if I don’t find use for the administration qualification. No experience is bad experience I figure. It seems like a really nice environment to be in.

She did warn me of the importance of how we come across to parents, that they’ll be shouting at me and I just have to take it. I had a thought in my head of just straight telling an annoying parent to fuck off. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that. Better not..

Update

I normally game quite a lot, it’s kinda my outlet and I put a lot of time into it. I really enjoy it, I’d love nothing more than to have a job within E-Sports. I write frequent blogs about League of Legends over for Team Dignitas. (My second blog post has been approved and will go live any day now, I’m really excited about it)

The last week I’ve probably not spent over an hour playing games, I’ve watched a few professional games (I do my homework for blog posts and ideas, I like to stay upto date. Yeah I’m nerdy and passionate about it). I’ve been quite focused on finding a job, pretty much any job I suppose. Just my first little stepping stone of my life. I’m really distracted though. Relationship stuff will always take my focus even if there’s just a tiny shine of something in the vast dark night sky of my thoughts.

People that I spent my last three years with are graduating. I’m taking this as my hint to leave social media alone to avoid depression from taking over. I’m more disappointed at myself for how I didn’t graduate. Yet I’m proud of myself for taking things into my own hands and getting out of a miserable, dark place that I had gotten myself into.

The main reason that I’m sad about my position right now is because I’ve left everyone except my family that has been such a huge part of my life over the last three years. I’ll be visiting as much as I physically can, but if I’m working then it’ll only be odd weekends. That’s heartbreaking for me.

When I get to visit my old friends, I’m going to be so torn. There’ll be so much that I miss, so much to catch up on. Not enough time. More importantly, there’s one girl that I want to steal away for myself. It’s actually only her attention that I want. I hate myself for making a huge decision to seek happiness elsewhere. I take it back, I hate the timing of things and what could have been. If things are meant to work, it won’t be easy. I’ve never been in the position of a long distance relationship. Totally scary, but I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for this girl. I’d be blogging about anything else that’s on my mind if there was anything else in my mind to share.

I just can’t wait to see her when I get off of the coach or train and see her beautiful face waiting to see me. I just can’t wait for that moment. From there, lets just see how things go.

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

My blog 1 month on

So I genuinely came into making this blog with intentions of it just being my little personal outlet, I didn’t expect a single follower. It’s kinda weird, thinking that anyone is interested in parts of my life fullstop. I mean, I’m not the most interesting person on the internet aha.

I just think it’s really interesting that anyone at all is reading my posts, people that comment in particular and chat are awesome. I love hearing from people from everywhere and anywhere new and working out similarities or differences. Supportive people are the best, I totally appreciate any positives comments.

So yeah, I guess I’m breaking my usual venting of emotions and feelings for a post just to say thanks for giving me a little unexpected positive reinforcement. It’s not the reason I write, but it’s nice to know regardless.

Online Dating – Step 1

I promised I’d share for those that are interested in my venture into online dating, and generally looking to meet new people. Thanks to the wonderful author of http://marieaterrell.wordpress.com/ in my last post, I went ahead and signed up to http://www.okcupid.com

Here’s my experience so far:

 

I had a sleepless night last night, left alone with my thoughts and decided to sack up and dive into it. I went over to the site and made a profile, I answered the questions supplied to me after I filled out my profile and got a feel for the site a little.

I have to say, I should be paid by these guys for the endorsement I’m about to give their site. I’m not, but just saying!

The beauty of the site is that it’s entirely free, you’re not limited greatly like I found with match and match affinity in particular, which is pretty frustrating I felt. You can openly message any matches, you can search based on the match percentage, area and many more variables to find what you’re looking for. You can view images of your matches that have been posted. You get a simple show of how frequently a person replies to messages, their relationship match, friendship match and even conflicting views or opinions between you.

You’re notified when you receive a message as well as being shown who has viewed your profile. So I got into it, completed my profile, I still need to add a few more pictures to my profile to complete it. But I’ve got started at least.

I followed through suggested matches in my area, sent around 19 total messages to possible matches that I had plenty in common with. It’s only about 12 hours on, just for reference at this point since I made the account, let alone finished it. I got some sleep, woke up to a few notifications from the site.

So far I’ve had

• One response from the messages that I’ve sent out.
• Fifteen individual people view my personal profile.
• Two girls approach me with messages.
• One of which I’ve chatted to for a few hours after adding each other on WhatsApp.

To be honest, I was surprised that I’ve made this progress so quickly. It’s really encouraging that I’ve had interest. My profile clearly wasn’t written as badly as I thought (I’ve re-written several parts and constantly made additions), either that or I’m just a catch! I kid, I kid. A tiny bit of attention isn’t going to my head, but I’m making progress.

I’ve met a couple of talented musicians, which I find super attractive, I just get daydreaming about singing duets in a really cheesy fashion. Fuck I’m lame!

Anyway, the girl I mentioned on speaking to through WhatsApp is really cool, we’re getting to know each other. She lives a little further than I’d hope, so it might be a little difficult to arrange a date. But why not be optimistic, at the end of the day I’ve still had the chance to meet someone who shares tons of my interests and is apparently into me as a person. It’s the sort of ego boost that will never hurt.

I’m sure I’ll post more updates about the good, bad and ugly side of online dating as I get to experience it. This is still my beta test right now, time is definitely on my side.

Thanks to anyone that has given me support, kind words, advice and shared experiences with me. You’re the reason that I’m even sharing this at all. Anyone new that stumbles across my blog: drop me a comment, share any of your own experiences or thoughts with me. I’m still learning, there are plenty of things for me to work out with this. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Related articles

• So I’m thinking of online dating (melancholycontemplation.wordpress.com)
• I’m trying online dating (melancholycontemplation.wordpress.com)