A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

The night before

So I slept in for my train, not even a little bit. By well over an hour. I woke up about 12:20 and just went FUCK. Slept through 4 alarms and my Dad didn’t realise when I was meant to be leaving so didn’t wake me. FUCK. I got a birthday card today from my grandparents with a £40 cheque, now that’s just going to go to paying for sleeping in essentially. FUCK. I’m pretty mad that I managed to do this, but I should just breathe for a minute.

Last night I ended up on Skype with Emily in the late hours, and neither of us really wanted to hang up. She was really upset over a group of things going on where she’s living at uni and I wanted to do my best to at least try to cheer her up. I think I managed, apparently it isn’t just her that has the uncanny ability to make the other one smile. Which makes me really happy. She sang to me over Skype, her voice just melts me. I was just sitting here wishing I was there and missing her so much.

On my journey I’ll finish writing that letter that I’ve drafted so many times. I won’t be seeing her this weekend, but time and space are important I think. For both of us. I just miss her, even just seeing her. I vividly remember the way my hand feels on her waist, and the first time that I put it there. We were playing spin the bottle, I was oblivious to the fact that she had a crush on me and she actually pulled away (This was maybe the third or so time the bottle had landed on the two of us..). That makes a lot more sense now I guess.

But i’m rambling, I suppose that’s what I do.

I can’t afford to buy an overpriced last minute train ticket, but I can get a train, a tube and then a coach for not too much £30-£35. UGH. Which I don’t need to spend right now, but I already have the set time for a return ticket on Monday. I’m going to go enjoy my weekend just as I planned to.

Here’s a beautiful song, enjoy your weekends.

 

 

So it’s my birthday today

Hi friends, today i’m 22. It makes me feel really old being past the point of 21, even though it means very little in reality.

It makes me think that when I was 14 or 15 I wondered where I would be at this point. It’s safe to say I’ve accomplished very little in that period of time, but as a person I’ve grown into a well rounded, mature man. That in itself is something to be hugely proud of, and health permitting I’ll be on this bizarre world long enough to accomplish as many goals as I set for myself, both short term and long term.

My awesome younger brother literally gave me his bank card and told me to buy what I wanted. I bought myself a decent quality snowball usb microphone, as well as a cheeky pop filter for it too. It doesn’t fit my super limited setup right now, but I’m hoping to be able to get my computer up and fixed soon enough.

So in a week or so I’m planning to keep pursuing my hobby of recording songs and working on my voice, as well as my own tracks. A little multi-track recording and harmonizing maybe? As you can probably tell, I’m pretty excited by that. The longer term goal of the microphone idea is to use it to vlog and record skype conversations during League of Legends games and add to my current blogging expedition of content. It’ll be a total learning curve with recording, editing and so on. But it’s something that I want to accomplish, and I’m going to. It’ll lead me somewhere, regardless of the crazy path my life could take one way or another.

Here’s to another year, may the odds forever be in your favour. May I grow older, maybe grow better facial hair this year and find the happiness that I’m still seeking in my 22nd year on this daft Earth.