Horror movies and fear of the dark

So my memory is pretty patchy at best after splitting my head open twice in my teens, yeah they were both dumb teenage things essentially.

But, I digress.

I don’t remember much of when I was young. But I was thinking back tonight about this time I watched my first horror movie, and realised the link between my kinda fear of the dark as well as the strange relationship that I have with horror movies.

I don’t remember why, but my usually packed house only had my Dad and I on that night, he drank a lot through my childhood and worked long shift hours of a laborious job, so he’d generally come back home and have a bath, listen to music in his room and drink. It was a fairly standard, accepted thing. He worked hard to put food on our table, I respect that of him.

Anyway, I ended up watching The Ring alone, I know it isn’t all that scary a movie, but when you’re maybe 10? I don’t even remember why I watched it, but I was intrigued I guess, and a little ballsy. It terrified me.

Once the movie ended I realised that the lights were off..they must have all gone off because of the old dodgy Victorian house that we had. So it was pitch black everywhere in my house and I was alone after watching this. I was totally crippled with fear after watching this movie.

I managed to make it up the six flights of stairs to the highest room in my house that was my parent’s bedroom. My Dad had passed out with a can still in his hand, I couldn’t even wake him. I tried, even shook him. I was so scared and alone in the dark for hours.

I stayed up there in his bedroom with him there until the really late hours when my Mum got back from maybe drinking with friends or whatever she had been doing that night. I didn’t tell her what happened until days later. She was furious at my Dad.

Ever since that night when I was way too young to watch that shit, never mind the horror movie-esque remainder of the night..I would be scared of the dark, I’d run between my room and the bathroom after turning the light off for years, sometimes I’d leave the bathroom light on so that I could go back and forward.

I enjoy watching horror movies now, I always have. But the aftermath of watching a particularly scary (not gory, more with a good storyline or the more supernatural types) horror still strikes me badly because of that first time. Which is rather pathetic, I’m aware.

I think I see things in the dark, or expect something to jump out, to be attacked. I guess anything like that. I spent my teen years afraid of the dark actually. I’m not like that anymore, as much as I still don’t like the dark particularly.

I still watch a lot of horror movies, it’s almost to test myself on whether I’ve moved past this? I guess. I’ve never thought about it until now. I’m not afraid of the dark, nor do horror movies bother me in the way that they do. I find satisfaction in the fact that I’ve matured past it.

I probably sound insane, I feel mad sharing this with you, internet. I’m normal, honest.

 

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Hand Written Letters

Sending letters between loved ones is something that I’ve always thought of as one of the most romantic ways to show someone you care about that they’re still with you. Even if they can’t physically be with you right now.

When my parents were about my age (Early twenties) my mum moved to Turkey for almost a year to work as a nanny for a family over there. Their only points of contact were rare phonecalls and letters. Though I’ve never sent any personal letters like this (hell I haven’t sent any letters in my recent memory fullstop), I think it’s so intimate and shows so much caring for someone.

So yesterday I received a totally unexpected letter, I mean I had no idea. We’d talked about sending letters to each other and how much I’d love that, she’d actually read me a letter that she had wanted to send me. She had decided that it couldn’t really wait and the phonecall at the time was heading in a similar direction anyway so the contents came up.

It was short, sweet, simple. I feel really lucky. 

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It feels like a totally new concept for me to have someone in my life that I spend so long thinking about. Times we’ve spent together, how things are now, what the future could hold. Nice things, scary things, beautiful things.

I want someone in my life that I care about, that I think about so often. I want someone that reciprocates the feelings and care that I show for them. I’m anxious and excited about what the future could hold. Though I feel really selfish right now to say it.

She’s everything I want, everything I need. I want to be that for her too. I can be, as well.

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I’m actually pretty annoyed with myself, a friend got into Macklemore and mentioned it to me MONTHS ago and I shrugged it off because of thrift shop being played to death everyone at the time.

I’ve stumbled across his “less popular” tracks and wow. I’m just so impressed with this guy as a human being, his beliefs, his opinions, his words, influences, general demeanor. If you haven’t already listened to “Otherside” or “Same Love”, do it right now. Here, I’ll help. 

Inspiration – Watsky

So I was listening through music, as I am the majority of the time and I figured why not share some thoughts?

For those of you that don’t know, Watsky is an American white rapper, not usually my cup of tea at all. But he’s great, if you haven’t heard any of his stuff, check him out here. You won’t regret it, he’s not only a great musician, I’d say he’s a great guy. I find his journey really inspiring.

His lyrics are brilliant, he’ll happily poke fun at himself. I’ve found myself relying on some of his tracks that I related to in my own personal way, I still do. He went viral on Youtube with “white kid raps fast” and has since flowered and gotten so far away from that tag he was branded with early in his music career and reached great heights. He most recently collaborated with Kate Nash in his newest album.

I don’t buy music anymore, I haven’t for years. I have Spotify and Youtube at my fingertips the majority of the time because I’m attached to my laptop 24/7. When he released his second album, I had all of his music that I had downloaded for free from his sites, the rest favourited on Youtube. It’s all I listen to on my phone when I go anywhere. But for once, I had to pre-order his new album “Cardboard Castles”. I got so excited. The day I broke up with my ex after I found out she cheated on me, his signed version of Cardboard Castles rocked up right on time to help me through it. You couldn’t write that shit any better, I strolled to my friend’s house. Told him the news and just passed him the cd, we smoked, chatted shit and drank coffee. Easiest transition from heartache, better than my earlier drunk mad rebound journeys.

Anyway, that’s a whole different story I’ll share sometime. As it’s pretty amusing for anyone but me!

The biggest thing for me, what really hit home was Watsky’s spoken word poetry. It’s brilliant, it’s touching. I’d recommend this guy to anyone and everyone.

I even had the beauty of going to see him on tour when he stopped by in London with the hilarious Dumbfounded. First time I’ve felt too old for a gig, but I didn’t give two fucks. I had the fun of the mini-road trip into London with two of my best friends that I went to the gig with too, I really needed that at the time after my breakup. You’ll have to do a lot to top this guy for heart and soul, live and recorded.

So if you haven’t already left this article to check him out, please do. You’ll find something you enjoy. Starting here is a good idea.

I’m happy I met you – Sharing my song lyrics

This is a difficult one for me to share, I have mixed feelings because I wrote this song at a time when I’d just met someone and felt so loved. Sadly things didn’t turn out as I had originally hoped, I don’t have bitter feelings, more just disappointment. I guess it’s a relationship I just put down as an experience along my journey.

I’ve never been much of a poet,
But the words are there ‘cos of you,
I’ve never really known how to word it,
But here it goes just for you

All I can do is say sorry,
It’s probably just me that frets,
We don’t really have that story,
Of how across the room our eyes met

Regardless I’m so lucky,
Lucky that somehow you see,
I’m lucky that somehow you see,
Only the best of me

All i’m trying to say is i’m happy i met you
I’m happy i met you
doo, doo, doodoodooo doodoo doo,
I’m happy i met you

I’d say that i’d catch a grenade for you but,
what kind of psycho bitch needs that?
Nothing you do will scare me off,
Pretty sure that you’ve tried that

Please just stay right next to me,
It’s crude but you’re my crack,
I just need you next to me,
Ain’t no looking back

What i’m saying is I’m so lucky,
Lucky that somehow you see,
I’m lucky that somehow you see,
Only the best of me

All i’m trying to say is i’m happy i met you
I’m happy i met you
doo, doo, doodoodoo doodoo doo
I’m happy i met you

All i’m trying to say is i’m happy i met you
I’m happy i met you
doo, doo, doodoodoo doodoo doo
I’m happy i met you

I’m aware it’s pretty primitive, but it has a lot of meaning to me. It was the first song that I’ve written for somebody and it felt amazing to share it with her for the first time.

Who knows, eventually I might record some of my tracks and share them here. For now this is my first little step at sharing my music. You don’t get a complete feel for my songs through the lyrics alone, but for such a personal song..I guess you could say it’s a little insight into my life. In this case, a little insight into my past.

The girl and the sunrise – Sharing my song lyrics

I play a lot of guitar, though I’m a very average singer, guitarist and songwriter. For once I feel like I have a good place to share my ideas, I’d love feedback on this. Please don’t hesitate, even if it’s negative.

(A little into my thought process) I had just met someone new, it was a great feeling and I found myself daydreaming about this whole perfect scenario that I kept dreaming of when we’d talk. I guess you could stay I’m still looking though.

I want the girl and the sunrise,
Hand holding on the street,
Or anywhere at all, but that’s just me.
I need luck finding her, cos she’s a rare breed,
I want the girl and the sunrise,
But maybe, that’s just me.

She doesn’t even need makeup,
To look this pretty.
She’s doesn’t even exist
but she’s so pretty.
I can’t even bear to see her
Look at another guy,
‘cos she’s all mine.

I want to walk through the snow,
or out on a beach.
I really don’t care,
I just want to get free,
from anything of at all that drags me down.
I want the girl and the sunrise
but maybe that’s just me.

She doesn’t even have a clue
That’s she’s so pretty .
I can’t stop telling her,
‘cos she’s so pretty.
I can’t even believe that
she’s giving me her time,
I just don’t know why.

Just right now
I really wanna see her,
Drive anywhere,
Get me right out of here.
But i can’t drive, and she’s not here
I want the girl and the sunrise
but maybe that’s just me.