So I’ve got a big interview tomorrow, i’m really anxious for it. My mum teaches at the school that the job would be at and the entire department knows that, they’re not stupid. They’ve even mentioned it to her. The manager of the ICT department told my mum today that five people are interviewing for two (I think?) jobs. There were three outstanding applications and one of them was mine.
So why am I so nervous? I figure because it’s actually a really good job and a huge opportunity for me to get a steady job and progress too. I’ve laid everything out, picked everything that i’ll wear, set alarms, done everything to be ready for this. I’m just worried that I interview badly for once I guess. Weirdly excitedly anxious.
I got a sharp new haircut, kept my facial hair but trimmed neatly (I don’t want to look like a fucking student at a school where I want a job. But I’m 5″5..so that’s a tricky one). I had an absolute fucking nightmare trying to take out my ball-nose ring too. Had to actually go to a piercer (about 10 places enquired to later) to get it taken out with pliars. But all good, I’ve got a tiny little nose stud in now, I feel like I’ve lost that little bit of rebellion that I was holding onto.
As soon as I get some coffee in me and suit up I’ll get into my pre-interview swagger mindset and do great. I’m sure. Kinda. Hopefully. Probably? Maybe. Yeah, no I should do.
To be honest, being around school kids..I can’t help but just feel like this:
I actually got a call back from another job I had applied for weeks back and had a phone interview for. I’ve got another interview for that on Tuesday. But to be blunt, I want the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow. I really do. I’m gonna get it too, I’m confident. Just anxious because I almost feel like it’s mine to lose..That probably sounds dumb, but this is why I tag this sort of post as “rambling” eh?
I seem to suffer from crippling anxiety over the smallest of things. Often it’s about explaining my illness to people who I know don’t understand, it terrifies me. I feel like an absolute idiot for feeling like this, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Fear of people not understanding my illness scares me, it’s stupid and there’s no logic behind it. The problem is, I really can’t control it and can’t even catch my breath. I just want to get back into my bed and curl up and hide from things.
I still haven’t found a good way of dealing with it, frankly. Some people say to focus on one spot in your room and focus on breathing. Others deal with it in a more literal sense and just tackle these things head on. I can’t do that, I’m a coward. I’m far too good at hiding from my problems, it’s probably my biggest weakness.
Not being able to afford to visit friends makes me nervous, so does not being able to justify my illness to my job seeker’s consultant who can be a total arsehole at the best of times.
I guess this is my outlet to try to deal with it. Listening to a particular song on repeat and just getting this off my chest.
I really feel too stupid and pathetic to even tell anyone close to me that I struggle so much and have panic attacks.
I really need to find ways of dealing with anxiety, I don’t know when this first started. It just comes in uncontrollable waves and takes over. It’s an awful feeling that I wish that I could get some sort of handle on. It totally wrecks my confidence, I second guess so many things, I can find a negative in the best thing just because of my own insecurities. I need to stop it, I know that I’m doing it, but it just seems so uncontrollable.
I feel like it’s another part of me that I just need to learn to live with, but lately I feel like I’m tired of having barriers. I’m almost stopping myself from being the best version of myself. I just need to realise when I’m having these anxiety / panic attacks and just find a thought that I can go to and just take a break from the negative or worrying thoughts.
It just baffles me sometimes, I’ll leave the house and 5 steps down the road I’ll panic that I’ve forgotten my house keys. Really simple example and sounds stupid, but I do it every time. I’ll have a really standard day planned and one tiny detail of it that I don’t feel in control of just gets in my head. I feel mental writing this, but it’s such a horrible feeling that I have no control over. I’m a work in progress.