Melancholy indeed

If anyone still remembers who I even am, I’m still here. Healthy and the likes. Since I started writing here, I shared my blog url with a few individuals that I hold very close to me. I didn’t think it would leave me feeling like this though. I mean, fuck knows if any of them actually read this. But it started as a place to empty the hate, anger, sorrow, frustration, worries and everything else before my brain overflowed with it all. Now I’m just full of anxiety, feeling the need to almost censor my own head before typing onto this page. I’ve been thinking about writing since I last did, what? Over a month ago. And just..fuck.

I’ve been noting down what I wanted to write about while I have moments to think at work, or when something dawns on me. But this dumb, crippling anxiety just wells over and keeps me holding all of this shit in. It’s exhausting. It’s worse than the feeling that got me to start writing here. Totally fucked.

Right now I’m in the sort of mood where I just swell with a mix of anger and sadness and just want to cry, but I can’t. Nirvana full blast with my eyes closed feels like all I can handle.

The problem that I think I have with sharing my innermost thoughts with people is that sometimes I don’t want to be that open with people, so vulnerable, honest even. I don’t want people to judge me. Nah that’s not it. I don’t want people that mean the most to me to be swayed by my fucked up head.

I’m honestly back now. I swear this time.

So I know you’re all thinking: Who the fuck is this guy I’m following? He vanished ages ago and stopped posting. I know. I know. Fuck, I’m as mad as you. Probably a lot more mad. But i’m back. It’s all good. My laptop went full meltdown mode the second I jinxed it by saying “I’ll update with things soon providing it doesn’t explode”

This is gonna be a real ramblefest of an update of what I remember of the last month or something, so bear with me!

The big news is that I actually have a job, I’ve been in it now for about as long as I’ve been vanished for. Started around the start of February. Fucking awesome news, maybe the little break I needed. It’s only an apprenticeship, so it’s practically slave labour

(Not even overexaggerating. I get like £2.60 an hour. Which is like $4.35 according to google)

The plus sides are obviously that it’s better than nothing, I get a qualification in er..warehouse management and packing or something along those lines. But I’m actually working for an IT shop that sells to a bunch of schools, clients and also through Amazon and Ebay. As well as having an IT tech section for people to get stuff fixed. They helped me fix my little scrapheap too. They’re cool guys, I basically work with the three of them.

So I mainly just handle all of the packaging, database, logging and  invoicing malarkey. Fairly basic stuff, after the first two weeks I was doing it all alone. In my spare time I get shown the ropes of the IT technician side of it, which I think is actually the interesting bit.

So anyway, my laptop is fixed and all good. Stuff with me is moving forward, I’m real sorry I haven’t been able to update. So many thoughts and wanting to write over the last month have passed me by and so have the thoughts. I’ve also missed all of you guys that I share myself with, and those who are awesome enough to share back.

Great to be back.

 

 

What a difference a week makes

Well then. Where was I? I’ve had a fairly hectic week. I’ll get to giving you a proper update this weekend. I might do it tonight, but to be frank: I’m fucking shattered.

I started a new job on Tuesday, I’ve worked 9-5:50 the last four days and I’m absolutely chuffed with how it’s going. But more on that soon. Just wanted to drop by and let you know it’s all good and things on my side are moving on up.

Finally got that break I was looking for, you could say.

Sigh

Didn’t get the job today. A hell of a lot more disappointed than I thought. Utterly shit day. I’m done with it and it’s only 2…Thinking burying my head under my covers and hoping I get a chance to re-do it might happen.

Pre-Interview Nerves

So I’ve got a big interview tomorrow, i’m really anxious for it. My mum teaches at the school that the job would be at and the entire department knows that, they’re not stupid. They’ve even mentioned it to her. The manager of the ICT department told my mum today that five people are interviewing for two (I think?) jobs. There were three outstanding applications and one of them was mine.

So why am I so nervous? I figure because it’s actually a really good job and a huge opportunity for me to get a steady job and progress too. I’ve laid everything out, picked everything that i’ll wear, set alarms, done everything to be ready for this. I’m just worried that I interview badly for once I guess. Weirdly excitedly anxious.

excited

 

I got a sharp new haircut, kept my facial hair but trimmed neatly (I don’t want to look like a fucking student at a school where I want a job. But I’m 5″5..so that’s a tricky one). I had an absolute fucking nightmare trying to take out my ball-nose ring too. Had to actually go to a piercer (about 10 places enquired to later) to get it taken out with pliars. But all good, I’ve got a tiny little nose stud in now, I feel like I’ve lost that little bit of rebellion that I was holding onto.

As soon as I get some coffee in me and suit up I’ll get into my pre-interview swagger mindset and do great. I’m sure. Kinda. Hopefully. Probably? Maybe. Yeah, no I should do.

To be honest, being around school kids..I can’t help but just feel like this:

new-girl-schmidt-quotes-24

I actually got a call back from another job I had applied for weeks back and had a phone interview for. I’ve got another interview for that on Tuesday. But to be blunt, I want the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow. I really do. I’m gonna get it too, I’m confident. Just anxious because I almost feel like it’s mine to lose..That probably sounds dumb, but this is why I tag this sort of post as “rambling” eh?

What’s new? Big steps

Hi little corner of internet, how’s it going? Good weekend?

Mine was hugely uneventful, I have like no social life (not even over-exaggerating here) since moving away from University and back “home” with my family, though it’s like 7 hours away from where I was born and raised.

I realised one thing: I haven’t touched my guitar or been singing for the last couple of months. Really awful. I need to get back doing it because it puts in a miles better place, especially to hear feedback from the odd few here that drop by to listen to my recordings. So over the next few weeks i’m going to work on the first song writing in about 6 months and just get back into my stride.

I’m starting a short (10 week maximum) English class just to pick up basic qualifications that I don’t have because I was ill when I should’ve been picking these up. I’ll be following it up with Maths too and whatever else that comes up. It’s quite..no. It’s demeaning. I’m not gonna lie. When I dropped for the initial testing and introduction class there were 4 people including myself there. Everyone else was at least 10 years older than me: one woman could barely use the pc that the test was on, one guy was Polish and didn’t speak great English.

I might come across as an arse or a hypocrite to comment on them, but I’m aware that as a 22 year old man this isn’t where I seen my path leading. Anyway, it’s a positive just to slap that on my CV and move on. It might only take me a few weeks because of the level I’m at. After say 6 years since I was being taught this stuff at school, there’s a lot of odd things you don’t actually realise that you’ve forgotten. I’ll pick it up in no time. The important thing is that I work individually and the class that I share with others doesn’t limit me in even the slightest of ways.

I mean, the biggest news is something that I’m still trying to be reserved with. But to be completely honest: I’m so fucking excited/apprehensive at the same time.

I got the job interview for ICT support technician at the local school that I was so keen for.

Now, I’ve been given the chance that I’ve been so desperate for. I deserve it, I really do. This job would be a walk in the park to be completely honest. It pays well, I could easily progress by showing the drive that I know I have in me. One thing that has always appeals to me in a job is the chance to dress well daily. I look fucking good in a suit, just saying!

There’s a writing job within the League of Legends E-sports community too that I stumbled across. The deadline is tomorrow and they want a sample piece of writing that I’ve kinda struggled writing. I was going to ask for advice here about whether or not I should go for it or just focus on the other job.

Unlike the other writing work I’ve done within gaming: this actually offers pay. It’d still only be something that I spend..I don’t know. Probably all in all a max of 12 hours a week working on combined with research. What I didn’t mention is that they’re hiring for content writers within either Korean, Chinese or Taiwanese competitive gaming scenes. I actually follow the Korean scene because it’s classed as the best in the world. I just need to do A LOT of work to learn everything I need to.

So I’m gonna spend my afternoon trying to write a respectable sample article and send off an application there too. I’m sure that I could keep up with both. If I don’t get it…well..Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

This has gotten a little wordy, but i’m bouncing at the minute at the thought of being given a chance by this school. I really need to smash that interview come Friday. I’ll be sure to update before then anyway.

For now, hope you’re all well with whatever part of the path you find yourself on. Keep smiling.

Firefly – My really late discovery

I’ve been short of stuff to watch really since Breaking Bad finished up. I watch good ol’ American stuff like Big Bang Theory, New Girl and How I Met Your Mother. I’m easily entertained you could say.

My favourite American told me to try Firefly, I had genuinely no idea about it. Rather than try to explain it, I’d say let IMDB do that for me. I have no clue how it passed me by. I’m pretty disappointed with myself because it’s a total gem of a show, and the follow on movie Serenity was great too.

Firefly #1

I’m baffled that it only lasted one season. The cast is great, ever since I totally loved Chuck, Adam Baldwin has ticks every box for my entertainment. It’s 14 (I think?) episodes long, I watched them in maybe three days. As soon as I finished it (I was home alone) I took advantage of our big ass tv in the front room and rigged it up to my laptop and found the follow on movie Serenity that I was told would tie up a lot of the loose ends.

firefly #2

I wasn’t even a little bit disappointed, half way through I realised how well written it was. I only had a vague guess (that was wrong) at where the plot was going. To be completely honest I’d watch 10 seasons of Firefly if they had made it. It’s a huge shame that it wasn’t given further backing for tv. I was sceptical at how the transition from tv show to movie would go, but it was flawless. Even as a stand alone movie you get a good sense for the dynamics, and for someone that loved the tv series it wasn’t patronising or time wasting with the storyline.

Ps I don’t just love Adam Baldwin, I stumbled on this too. 100% relevant!

firefly #3

So if you have managed to have your head in the sand like I have for all these years..Don’t even hesitate. Give it a go, you really won’t be disappointed!