Gone a bit quiet

I realised I haven’t been blogging anywhere near as much as I normally would. Which is weird. Very uncharacteristic of me. What I would say is, that kinda doesn’t worry me? It means I clearly have much less to vent about, less bad going on that I feel the need to lament about. That has to be a good thing.

I’m just taking my baby steps along the way, heavily procrastinating (don’t we all?) and finding a much happier place. With the help of a few people. I’m making huge steps to working out what I want for my future, and it’s comforting. Probably the first time in my life I’ve looked forward with any form of optimism to my future. Rather than the usual looking back with regret. It’s a difficult trait to change, I’m getting there.

Things have changed for me

and that’s okay,

I feel the same,

I’m on my way

 

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Optimistic Pessimism

I guess I struggle to keep constant optimism, I fall into a mood of realism. I say realism, it’s borderline pessimism, I’ve just very realistic about how shitty the world can be!

I got off topic within two sentences, I’ve earned some sort of accolade for that surely? Word of warning, I’m venting before I look at any sort of bright sides. Skip a few paragraphs down for the happy shit.

But yeah, I guess I’m always on a tilt of struggling to deal with problems that I have with a lot of things. I hate the majority of people, I don’t want to be stuck working a shitty job, the last two great jobs that have came up have both been organisationally bad and show no respect for people that they interview. So even if they get back to me (As late as a month on, nobody chosen for the job. How?), do I want to work for people that fucked me around for the last month? No, but I would. So give me the job, fuckers!

I keep getting down about my body, and I really don’t do it. When I’m in a relationship and intimate with somebody, I feel great about myself. I feel confident, somebody liked me enough to be close to me. It’s always shortlived. Now that I’m on my own I just feel horrible, I don’t really think anyone would find me attractive. I’m hella skinny, and painfully aware of how little muscle tone I have.

So Callum, you sound fucking emo right now. Why aren’t you doing anything about your shit? Good question.

I’m following up with jobs on Monday, I have a list and I’m going to go on a rampage. There’s a local computer repair shop that is offering an apprenticeship too that has just came up, I’m planning on suiting up and heading in there Monday morning to chat to them. Leave a great impression before dropping my cv off, or applying online (if that’s what I really have to do, oh technology). I figure this is a good way to get across that I’d love to work for them, and I’d be front of house for them. So show how smart and presentable I am. Two birds, one stone. Yeah? Sweet.

And okay. Stop. Callum, at least a handful of girls in your life have found you attractive. I need to stop worrying don’t I, start being optimistic.. Start changing shit for myself. I’ve started doing daily pressups and situps, I’ve eaten really well (Eaten three meals a day and snacked a lot since Friday, this is a huge deal for me. Seriously). Confidence will come, I have people in my life that think a lot of me. Even find me attractive.

Sometimes I think I just need to cool my shit and stop stressing over the little things. I’m making positive steps, working towards being the person that I want to be. That’s all I can do really isn’t it..

Family and my weekend

My older brother Jamie is around for the weekend to visit, his girlfriend Leigh is over too. I’ve never met her, she’s lovely. God knows how they ended up together! But I’m happy nonetheless.

In our little 2 bedroom house there are now 6, so it’s crazy cramped and I’ve just sneaked off upstairs for some space. So antisocial. I feel young again around my brother, like when we were younger. It’s funny how some dynamics never really change. We’re not as close as we used to be, but we still have things in common. We both like to read, play guitar and watch football. They’re pretty much our go-to subjects haha. Otherwise it’d be very boring to spend time with Jamie.

He just restrung my guitar for me after I cleaned it up, I’ve never restrung an acoustic guitar before so it was a huge help. It’ll be a pain in the arse playing with new strings going out of tune constantly for the next week, but it sounds great. The strings I’ve been using to record stuff with were old and horrible. I should’ve changed them months ago!

But, I digress. I’m having a lovely weekend with my family, Leigh fits right in with us. Making awful, tasteless jokes about all sorts. It might not be a big family like I’d have preferred, but they’re mine and I love them all dearly.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend from wherever they’re reading this! I’ll be enjoying mine.

The past

The past is often full of wonderful memories, fun to reflect on. Plenty of embarrassing stories to share about the past. Lots of people have a past that can define them, it’s easy to give in when something big and painful, even traumatic happens to you at a young age.

My experience is a tiny drop in the ocean compared to a lot. As much as I essentially lost my teenage years to illness, I would never have turned into the man that I am today. I use man as a loose term, I know I’m still growing as a person. Otherwise I’d be wasting my time.

I have a lot of respect for people that have the courage to bear the burden that has been forced upon them by a troubled upbringing. For whatever reason it may be. I can’t even pretend that I understand or that I can even relate to what these people go through. It fills me with pride when someone takes something that could define them and tries to take the steps to never let it define them.

It’s hard, and the road is long. But you can recover from even the greatest set backs with the right people around you and the will to do it for yourself.

Time is:

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I stumbled across this quote, and found that I understood a lot of this from my own experiences.

A great deal of my life has slowed down, I’ve waited a lot of my life. I’ve lamented far too much, you could say. My celebrations have always felt cut short, generally due to going back to the vicious cycle of more waiting or lamenting.

I need to spend more time loving, loving my family, my friends, finding someone special in my life and treasuring them all. We should all treasure this the most, I feel as though I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’m done waiting, done lamenting. Moving forward. I’m going to surround my life in love, and get out of the vicious cycle of unhappiness that I’ve delved into far too often so far.

Life is for finding love, it’s all I really want. It’s all I need. I need to surround myself with people that are deserving of me. Not meant in a horrible way, I just feel that I’ve spent a lot of my time being a giver. Never someone that selflessly takes. It works both ways.

I’m totally rambling now with out-loud thoughts. I guess that’s what this blog is for.

I felt like a little self reflection. But currently I think i’m in a pretty good place, I’m getting there. The future is really promising. I’m excited, I’m optimistic, I’m scared, I’m anxious. I’ve got it all under control, I promise?

I’m a weird guy

I really had an awful “first” relationship, as in the first girl I slept with. It was only in University, to avoid a long back story: We shared a flat and lived together for a year, I told her I had feelings for her, she broke up with her long term ex, we were on and off constantly for maybe a year. It was awful and messy and really depressed me a lot.

We had a lot of things that were “ours”, like every couple I guess. One was that we’d watch “How I met your mother”, like..It’s a good show alright? It’s not great, nothing special. It aint Friends. But it was our thing, we watched every single episode together, we did marathons of watching them until we were waiting for them to be released and we’d watch them weekly.

It’s really fucking sad. It’s coming up to a year since we broken up and I still look back with weird emotions. I guess your first always has that weird hold and romanticised air of bullshit surrounding them. She was a shit girlfriend, she cheated on me, I moved on. But she hurt me a lot, I was really naive. I kept going back to her constantly, she could click her fingers and I’d come running. After a while that flipped around, I could do the same.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I’ve realised that I need to move on, jesus christ. I’ll never move past anyone if I can’t move past this. So it’s a tiny pathetic step to more recent pain, which doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. I’m gonna pick up where I left off with that show, I haven’t watched it since we broke up. I’ve never watched it alone. Really weird, but it’s a forward step one way or another I guess.