Panic attacks and anxiety

I seem to suffer from crippling anxiety over the smallest of things. Often it’s about explaining my illness to people who I know don’t understand, it terrifies me. I feel like an absolute idiot for feeling like this, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Fear of people not understanding my illness scares me, it’s stupid and there’s no logic behind it. The problem is, I really can’t control it and can’t even catch my breath. I just want to get back into my bed and curl up and hide from things.

I still haven’t found a good way of dealing with it, frankly. Some people say to focus on one spot in your room and focus on breathing. Others deal with it in a more literal sense and just tackle these things head on. I can’t do that, I’m a coward. I’m far too good at hiding from my problems, it’s probably my biggest weakness.

Not being able to afford to visit friends makes me nervous, so does not being able to justify my illness to my job seeker’s consultant who can be a total arsehole at the best of times.

I guess this is my outlet to try to deal with it. Listening to a particular song on repeat and just getting this off my chest.

I really feel too stupid and pathetic to even tell anyone close to me that I struggle so much and have panic attacks.

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Perception

I often spend time pondering how others perceive me. The main reason for this today is that I bought, tobacco as usual at the local store that’s closest to me. I didn’t make any sort of effort, and it’s pretty cold. So I was just in a t shirt, a shirt layered on top and a hoodie, skinnie jeans and my vans. Standard lazy clothing.

I came to the realisation that since moving back home this summer and turning 22, I’ve not once been asked for ID when I buy tobacco. This is totally alien to me, I mean..I look so young, generally that’s one thing people will note about me. Being 5″5 adds to this for sure haha.

So is it because i’m in the south of England now and I have a low, northern accent? Is it that I have a vague attempt at facial hair? Is it that I’m more mature than I realise? Is it that I don’t look as young as I think?! It may be a collection of these things, or that they just don’t care to ID people without good reason around here.

I have no idea, but it makes me feel old. I don’t know, but I don’t think I like it! I mean, someone can mistake a younger girl as older because of makeup and how she dresses pretty easily. But as a guy, it’s harder to fake age? I don’t think I accidentally look older than I should. I’m only 22! I was even told I look 24 today, not sure how I feel about that.

Is everyone as curious as I am about how they’re perceived day-to-day? My brain works in mysterious and sometimes amusing ways.

I don’t mean to brag, but..

So I’m still unemployed, oh the joys. The last week I’ve made the same constant effort daily applying to places. No luck at all. Ugh. I actually was made to apply for unpaid work experience that’d look good on my CV. I figured it was better than nothing and went ahead with it. I got turned down for that too, oh the embarrassment. My poor ego was fairly dented.

So I had my fortnightly sign in just a little earlier, tell people how I’m doing and so on. Generally I’m well presented, feeling good about myself, chatting away with my adviser, she’s lovely and we get along fine. I like to think I brighten up her shitty Fridays. I wasn’t my old self, I look and feel like shit. Winter seems to do this to me ever since I got ill, I just feel flat I guess. I was just in tons of layers, lost my glasses?! funny (14244) Animated Gif on Giphy

Yes like Velma, funny internet. Funny. But I was running late, so I just decided to be blind.

So I put my earphones in on my way back home, maybe a 20 minute walk. I put some Watsky on and decided he’s right. “You’re a lost dog, I’m a boss hog” and listened to some of his awesome old tracks and one of his spoken word pieces “I don’t mean to brag, but..”. Put a massive smile on my face and went about my more usual walk home. Yeah I still feel shitty, but I made sure I smile at the very least. I even bought myself some peanut butter on the way home because I’m random like that. It’s totally my go-to comfort food. I might just get myself a spoon…

So I guess everyone can pick themselves up, I didn’t have an excuse to be in a bad mood other than just not feeling my best. Epiphany: I’m never at my best, I’m still working towards it. Better keep trying daily or I’m just slowing my own progress. Happy weekend internet.

Late Night Melancholy Contemplation

I’m often reminded why my blog is titled as it is, tonight is fitting.

I must have fallen asleep while I was watching whatever crap film I had on, fully clothed at around 10. I woke up at maybe half past 2 feeling empty, alone and upset. I think I was dreaming of Emily. I don’t really remember dreams these days, but I just woke up with such strong negative feelings with her on my mind. I just know I saw her with someone else. I was almost in tears.

I’ve been in a pretty good place lately too, a positive one. That’s for sure. This has kinda knocked me on my arse. I guess I’ve avoided how bad it feels to seemingly lose someone that’s really important to me completely from my life. It hurts. I feel really lonely tonight, just…empty? I guess.

I’ve never lost someone that I’ve been so close to in this way.

I should finish this tea and sleep, late night thoughts eat away at me.

The Versatile Blogger Award

So yesterday I had two notifications from two of my favourite writers letting me know that they both nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

Okay, so: Unknown facts about me, lets have a think…I share a lot with you y’know internet. Right. Uhm.

  1.  When I was little I wanted to be a jockey. I ended up only being 5″5, maybe I wasn’t even that mad to dream..
  2. In my home town a bull once escaped from the farmer’s market and strolled down the street past my brothers and I playing football.
  3. I have a lot of charming nicknames from friends / brothers that seem to stick. (Benjamin Button, Yoda, Frodo, Tina, Swampy..I could probably go on, but they’re the notable ones. You get the idea.
  4. I had long hair, right down to my arse at one point. From maybe 12 or so? to 18, it was awful. But I think more a point of being different than anything, and my parents let me do anything I wanted.
  5. I overly romanticise everything, be it from the past or thoughts of the future.
  6. I fucking hate Leonardo DiCaprio to the point of avoiding most movies he’s in for years before watching. I don’t even have a strong reason, don’t ask me.
  7. Other than sharing on the internet, I’ve only sung properly in front of two people in person. I get massive solo anxiety, even thought I played in bands in my teen years.

I came to the realisation that I don’t read as many blogs as I should. I sort of have a small amount of favourites that I stumbled upon and haven’t branched out much more. I don’t really have a top 15, I’m awful, I know.

So, these are my absolute favourites that I get excited to read with every new post they make, I love them all for varying reasons. Check them all out, because they’re brilliant in their own individual and awesome ways.

I quite commonly just quietly observe and relate to these people, I occasionally drop by with messages. I should comment more often, because I know how it’s such a nice feeling to know people are appreciating your writing.

Time is of the Essence

Queer & Confused In Cape Town

^ (These two great writers nominated me, so thank you again!)

Existentialists R Us

in the end, it’s smoke

Tired Of Dating

HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY.

LET IT GO AND LET IT BE

whiskeyinateacupp

(My latest addition is a more recent discovery, I read the line “One thing is for sure, I’m in love with love. It’s such a beautiful thing.” and from there I’m sold, reading more of this blog today!

So there are only 8 blogs that I’m currently keeping up with on a constant basic, please point me towards more great people. I clearly don’t look enough, I’ve just happened to stumble across these ones along the way.

These guys are all great writers and are really interesting people, more importantly. I’d happily grab a pint (or a whiskey, or whatever other drink of choice) with each and every one of them and have an awesome time chatting about everything and anything.

Thanks for joining me along the way and for some reason finding me amusing. It’s muchly appreciated and to those I’ve mentioned in this blog: Thanks for being awesome, keep on keeping on. I love getting to read your newest posts.

Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

Had to get up fairly early after roughly a few hours sleep, oh the pain. To be told that the work experience being arranged for me is essentially not organised in a week that they’ve had to do it. The woman I had a meeting arranged to see wasn’t even there to see me either. Shit huh! Ah well, I actually got ready in roughly 2 minutes, skinny black jeans, red and white checked shirt. I actually had a fair bit of confidence today and look pretty good! So that’s a nice feeling.

I don’t know if as such a night owl I’ve never seen it before, or it was just a coincidence? Everyone was cheery, bright and happy to see me! Strangers wishing me good morning, people sharing a smile with me, it was lovely. Is this an exclusive morning people club that I miss out on normally? This brings me onto my second theory: A confident Northern English lad with (questionable) facial hair and glasses being cheerful in a small town in Essex is better received than I’d expect and Northern charm is actually a thing, not just a sarcastic thing that I’ve made up. I have no idea, maybe both? Maybe neither!

I’ve had very little job luck, considering the last two “interviews” I’ve had have been ran by the worst companies I could’ve had the dumb luck to be interested in..I’m starting to be a little less naive about the hiring process. I’m actually in a good place when it comes to being a happy individual, I’m getting there. It’s a slow process, but I think finding a job that I would genuinely like to do is a must for me right now, or I’ll just spiral back into a pit of depression. Which is actually why I left University in the first place: To find that happy place that I was missing in the day to day stuff, it’s still a work in progress.

For some reason I’m writing less, I don’t know why that is. I’m not overly busy, I guess I spend a lot of time sharing skype calls and chatting to my favourite American girl. We’re mutually weird together, I love it. It’s definitely something I need in my life, someone that thinks a lot of me and cares. Granted it’s coming from a source I wouldn’t have ever expected, but it is what it is y’know?

I’m sort of picking myself up though again after a speed bump in my day earlier on. It’s funny what one song will do to you sometimes, moving on is hard some days. I’m still hurting a lot, no way to sugar coat that one I guess.

Sexual Frustrations

So, we all have dry spells. But this is killing me. I’m so frustrated lately, it’s ridiculous. I’m just so fired up constantly. You just get to a point where masturbation isn’t gonna cut it. I mean, I’ve always had a high sex drive. So being single is fairly rough occasionally, but I had no idea I’d just get worse. The last week or so I just realise that this is the main reason I suck at being single!

I figure I’m actually starting to understand one night stands, though I’ll probably never have one. Something doesn’t sit right with me about them, I think sex with someone you’re totally comfortable with is just too enjoyable? No thoughts about what’s okay and what isn’t.

I guess I just seriously crave the intimacy that comes with being in that sort of relationship, even if it’s just primarily sexual…Which essentially my first proper relationship ended up. I’ve mentioned a great girl that I met recently, she’s made me realise how nice it is to feel valued and wanted. I feel special, i want to keep this feeling. At the same time she’s made me realise how much I need some lovin’ right now, to put it bluntly. I need that level of intimacy in my life, sooner rather than later please!

Times are hard man.

I just want to feel nails against my back and for my neck to be bitten. I could go on..for days. But yeah. Frustrated. I need an outlet, how do other people deal with this? Fuck!