A Promise

I promise that within a week I’ll record (I’d imagine a pretty poor quality all round) cover of this song. I love it, it means a lot to me and I just want to sing it.

My first memories were my last summer, I was really down. I was in a suit in the pouring down rain and my day had only just started, nobody had let me into their house or even given me the time of day in my first three hours. I was a door to door salesman last summer incase I forgot to mention that.

Anyway, to cheer myself up I’d be strolling along so cheery, and that one day (I didn’t make a single sale all day until the last 20 minutes of roughly a 10 hour day) I just sang away. I sang this song a lot, amongst others. It really kept me going.

Fast forward and this is a song that Emily (I previously mentioned her plenty, you’re probably bored of me talking like this aren’t you) actually recorded this song specially for me. I love her version, she has a beautiful voice.

You know, I really can’t help..

Soundtrack to my day

I’ve been listening to all sorts really, but this song is brilliant. Sort of fits my mood lately in the whole negative light. Yeah I’m working on that, sorry. 

I don’t like music that’s generally shouting and aggressive a lot of the time. But sometimes it’s a nice release. I’ve got a whole playlist with The Bronx, Rage Against the Machine, Rancid, The Distillers, Lars Fredriksen, Operation Ivy, Misfits, Gallows and System of a Down on. Sometimes, rarely it fits my mood. I’ve grown up around my dad actually listening to this sort of stuff. I know it all really well.

I had the pleasure to see these guys live in Bristol early this year and they didn’t disappoint. It’s not the sort of gig that I ever feel like I fit in at, I even came out with a shiner from a good elbow to the face in the mosh pit. Was an experience you could say haha.

For every winner, there has to be a loser

I actually wrote this offline on my laptop on the journey home so that I wasn’t left alone with my thoughts. Wow, I really bring my laptop everywhere and I need to get this out at least. This got really long too, but I needed just to get it out of my system one way or another.

For every winner, there has to be a loser, you could say that in this scenario though, nobody is a winner. There definitely isn’t a winner. I still remain the loser though. My Saturday was the day that my visit took that selfish victory that I’d been feeling away from me though, I’ll get to that after I put the timeline of events together. For just over three days, we were together.

I’m going to name this special girl Emily just for writing purposes, I picked a random name, I figure it saves a little confusion with “she” comments all the time. Emily and I had the embrace that I expected at the station, it was perfect. Never mind how nervous we both were for that moment. It had been coming all summer.

We both confessed a day later that we had been nervous about our chemistry, whether or not the transition from friends to much more than that would be a problem. It wasn’t, at all. In my eyes at least,( I think and hope that she feels the same as me) we fit as well as we always expected to. As a lover, as a companion, as a complete package y’know? It sort of just fit, I guess. I mean, maybe that’s premature to say something like that. But it felt worlds apart from something that I’ve felt in another relationship. Or even just the way that I just feel about another person. I was completely falling head over heels for her.

Saturday rolls around, we drink at one of my best mate’s 21st birthday parties at his place, then all jump In a taxi as a group to go to the local clubs. We’re all real drunk, no exceptions to that one. I’m a total lightweight generally, so I know my limits and stick to them. Anyway, the night goes on. I lose my phone while we mess around dancing like idiots on a dance floor, I didn’t let it bother me. Shit happens, I don’t like to let things that I can’t control any more bother me. Waste of energy (I reclaimed my phone the next day from the club). Emily wanted to help me find it at least and had a little wander / look around.

I bumped into a flatmate from my first year of Uni in the same club’s smoking area, she got talking (I didn’t get a word in, she was so drunk) and she’s not my favourite person but I politely humoured her. I catch up with my group as I see them pass me and make some shitty comment about losing my friends. Surprised me but Emily was really pissed at me about what’d just happened. She put it along the lines of “Do you realise you’ve just been talking to this really attractive girl for the last 10 minutes and I passed you twice?” I explained that it was harmless and so on. It was essentially just the drink talking and exploding jealousy I guess. She didn’t actually remember it the following day.

What was blurted out next came down to the drink letting her speak the truth I guess and it just got on top of her. She didn’t want to hurt me. She’s so sorry, but it’s too soon for her. She’s right too. It’s the right time for me, it isn’t for her. I figure I was being selfish but things had seemed so perfect that this thought had just evaporated in my head. I put on a brave face, I comforted, I told her that I understood, I put her in a taxi home and made sure she had the fare for it and that was that. I was up all night with a mate of mine that I crashed at; obviously all of my stuff was over at Emily’s place.

This lad knows me well enough to know I just needed a shoulder to cry on essentially, we grabbed what we needed on the way back and just headed to his flat. We didn’t sleep at all, we just talked about everything and anything. We were both in an absolute mess really for one reason or another, but I won’t get into it. I shared parts of my blog with him, shared painful history and I learned more about him that night than I ever expected to. I got a couple of hours sleep at maybe 3 in the afternoon because I was still in a bit of a mess and Emily and I needed to talk. We met up, the conversation went similarly to what you’d expect I guess.

She’s just not ready, and that’s okay. I spent the last couple of days of my trip crashing at friends’ houses after I picked all of my stuff up from her place. I think I’m a bit numbed to being hurt by people down to my past, which really fucks me up. I had drinks with my closest friends before I left, had a laugh, said my goodbyes and got to my train (I had to run because I’m fucking dumb and lost track of time).

I sat down on the train and then I cried. For a good solid hour I guess. I hated that I had no music to help me out, my phone was dying and the only stuff I had was just not fitting. I hadn’t realised that I held it together until I had about 30 seconds to myself just to think. For any of my friends this is just so “Callum” to make another relationship mistake I suppose. For me..well, I just can’t take many more of these defeats. Today I’m mainly listening to Nirvana, drinking, smoking, not eating and just holing myself off from the world like I do.

Time and patience are a definite must for my future, one way or another. But the rest is pretty foggy. I’m in the sort of place where things just feel bleak and I don’t want anything, it scares me. Kurt Cobain’s anguish and mental struggles internally and with the world are resonating with me in a way that I never thought I would understand. But yeah, this blog got longer than most essays I wrote in the previous year. That’ll do.

If I don’t get any call from the ideal job that said they’d let me know today some time soon…ugh. That’s just the last thing I need, I just need a win every now and again. Without that little victory my life is just going to continue to feel out of my control entirely.

Online Dating update

I realised that a lot of people seemed fairly interested in seeing a single guy’s view of attempting online dating so I figure I should give another update. It really isn’t something that I’ve fully committed to lately. I mean, I’ve made it fairly clear lately that there’s someone that I’m on the fringe of a relationship with, I’m really happy with that and how it could go. Time will tell eh?

In terms of OkCupid, over the course of..I’m not sure how long it has been actually. I’ve met plenty of nice people: some Americans that somehow stumbled across me or vice versa, I realised that I really do have a type as well (I could spend an entire post on this, maybe I will some time), I met a few girls that seemed interested but I never had enough of a connection to want to pursue anything and then a few girls that were interested in me, fairly direct but either timing didn’t fit, they lived too far away or things just didn’t seem to fit or click enough for me to pursue them I guess.

It probably makes me sound like either a coward or a perfectionist, I’m probably a bit of both haha. I think if I lived in London or another city that online dating would be really accessible. I live kinda close but not close enough for my liking to London, it’s just logic that the majority of my matches are from London because of the amount of people there in comparison.

Anyway, it was an interesting experience. I’ve hardly been near the thing for a couple of weeks really. Excluding the odd message from this really nice girl that lives fairly close I guess. Unless I’m just oblivious and dumb (A reasonable possibility), we just get along fairly well and it’s nice to chat to her occasionally.

I actually decided to make this post because out of literally nowhere I got a text from a girl that I’d gotten along with really well, she’s like a lot of women I’ve been involved with: confusing as fuck, to put it simply. Really sporadic texting, I just randomly over a week ago didn’t get a reply from her after she’d suggested meeting up. I’d say she was the only person that I met through OkCupid that I’d have been interested enough to meet up with. I’ve either misread it, or she’s awful at this (whatever this is). Either way, I’m not really a fan of being picked up and dropped randomly.

I highly doubt I’ll mention it again, that’s my very small online dating adventure summed up. If I lived in London then I’m sure this would be a much better read. I think I’d already found what I was looking for and I didn’t realise, to be honest.

Hired

So after my interview thursday at a local primary school for an administration job, I was called the day after asking to come in for a meeting with the business manager. I was pretty chuffed, I’d shown my interest in two of their available posts. I was the first person of several that interviewed for the same job, and clearly it did go as well as I thought. I’m starting next Monday, I’m pretty relieved to have found something. Having nothing to do here while unemployed is pretty frustrating and lonely as well.

This’ll actually be my first full time job, I’ve either been ill or in education upto this point. I hope that I can cope with the hours, to be honest, I don’t think there’ll be very often I’m rushed off my feet after meeting everyone in the office that I’ll work in. I think I might actually be the only guy that will work in the office. Good job they already all really like me haha (Two of the women I’ll be working with interviewed me)

I’m really looking forward to it. It pays really badly because it’s only an apprenticeship, but I pick up the relevant qualifications. So in the long term it’s worthwhile, even if I don’t find use for the administration qualification. No experience is bad experience I figure. It seems like a really nice environment to be in.

She did warn me of the importance of how we come across to parents, that they’ll be shouting at me and I just have to take it. I had a thought in my head of just straight telling an annoying parent to fuck off. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that. Better not..

Update

I normally game quite a lot, it’s kinda my outlet and I put a lot of time into it. I really enjoy it, I’d love nothing more than to have a job within E-Sports. I write frequent blogs about League of Legends over for Team Dignitas. (My second blog post has been approved and will go live any day now, I’m really excited about it)

The last week I’ve probably not spent over an hour playing games, I’ve watched a few professional games (I do my homework for blog posts and ideas, I like to stay upto date. Yeah I’m nerdy and passionate about it). I’ve been quite focused on finding a job, pretty much any job I suppose. Just my first little stepping stone of my life. I’m really distracted though. Relationship stuff will always take my focus even if there’s just a tiny shine of something in the vast dark night sky of my thoughts.

People that I spent my last three years with are graduating. I’m taking this as my hint to leave social media alone to avoid depression from taking over. I’m more disappointed at myself for how I didn’t graduate. Yet I’m proud of myself for taking things into my own hands and getting out of a miserable, dark place that I had gotten myself into.

The main reason that I’m sad about my position right now is because I’ve left everyone except my family that has been such a huge part of my life over the last three years. I’ll be visiting as much as I physically can, but if I’m working then it’ll only be odd weekends. That’s heartbreaking for me.

When I get to visit my old friends, I’m going to be so torn. There’ll be so much that I miss, so much to catch up on. Not enough time. More importantly, there’s one girl that I want to steal away for myself. It’s actually only her attention that I want. I hate myself for making a huge decision to seek happiness elsewhere. I take it back, I hate the timing of things and what could have been. If things are meant to work, it won’t be easy. I’ve never been in the position of a long distance relationship. Totally scary, but I’ll do anything, ANYTHING for this girl. I’d be blogging about anything else that’s on my mind if there was anything else in my mind to share.

I just can’t wait to see her when I get off of the coach or train and see her beautiful face waiting to see me. I just can’t wait for that moment. From there, lets just see how things go.

Job interview and self confidence

I got to do one of my favourite things today, I got to suit up.

If I could wear suits every day for the rest of my life, I totally would. I always feel great, some people think I look great too. To a degree, I share that opinion. Though that makes me sound anything but modest. I had a job interview that would normally feel really daunting and scary, but you know what? It wasn’t at all.

I just went into it and decided just to show the employers my personality. I just wanted to make them laugh and show that I’m a great person to be around. It’s far from my ideal job, probably not what I’d want to be doing. I would be settling, but I need something right now. I still feel like I’d be rushing into something that didn’t fit me very well. If they call me in the next few days to offer me the job, I have absolutely no idea how I’ll respond.

It’s an admin job, the same primary school listed an ICT technician job too, which I’d probably prefer. Though neither would be challenging in an academic or mental way. I feel good about how the interview went.

The woman asked me what my i’d say my biggest accomplishment is, it totally stumped me..I answered with this:

Well, I once came second in a Donkey Derby when I was younger.

I totally killed them, and then answered it straight. But I’d already accomplished what I went there for: to get a little of my personality across and have fun with it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t constantly joke or come across badly. I did myself total justice and the two women interviewing me really liked me.

I asked to be put forward for the ICT technician role too, I think it’ll suit me better. I think they know that too. I have no idea whether or not they’ll hire me, I guess i’ll find out soon enough. Their decision could shape my short term future, that’s really odd to realise. Scary.

I wish I could just move back to Newport with my best friends, so many people I love there. I just can’t do it, my head rules my heart on that one sadly. Short term I’d be the happiest guy around, longer term I’d do myself and anyone around me damage by doing it I think. Which is a shame for more than one reason, but mainly for one reason.

New haircut, new job prospects, no idea

Got myself a new haircut, I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. I just knew I was bored with my usual style. I’ve went with short back and sides and embraced my messy style by keeping it long on the top. The guy that cut my hair went a bit overboard with sea salt spray to give it texture or whatever. But i’ll live with it! It’ll grow on me.

Anyway, I’ve got a job interview tomorrow. It got put back two months from when I was originally told it would be. I was told two days ago about it after all that time. Ugh. Past that boiling my piss, the job seemed like a good prospect when I didn’t have anything else on the table. Today, just like any public transport: I get an email in response to another role. One that I’d much prefer, pays better (Not much better, but still) and offers better chance of progression.

The first job is an admin apprenticeship role in a primary school in my town. I’d get basic qualifications and an admin degree. Seemed okay to me. The newest role is an apprentice digital marketing co-ordinator, it comes across as though you’re being hired with the intention of succeeding the current digital marketing co-ordinator. It’s fairly local (One short bus journey of 10-20 minutes). I’m totally on the fence, if I go for the second I feel like I have less chance of getting it. The primary school job feels like I have a good chance with an interview. If I get offered the first, I won’t have the chance to even consider interviewing for the second.

I’m so stressed out with it all, I can’t get a minutes peace to even think about it today when I need it either. Ugh. I have no idea what I’m going to do.

The Future

A lot of my future is a doubt.

My entire future is a doubt, full of unknowns and questions with no answers yet.

A Youtuber that I watch commonly came out with the line that his Dad would say:

Only two things in life are problems, medical and relationships. Money solves everything else.

That really resonated with me and right now you could say I’ve got two problems. Which when I think about it so bluntly, that really sucks. I’m 21, if I had everything set now then I wouldn’t have grown and matured how I have, I wouldn’t be the man that I’m happy to have become. I haven’t got anything physical to speak of as an accomplishment in almost 22 years. Does that suck? Of course. Do other people have it worse? Yes, a lot worse.

I’m blessed to have what I do, I’m building towards my future. Fuck anyone who says i’ve not accomplished anything. Your own personal sense of accomplishment and growth are so important in this life. Nobody even knows why we’re here. We’re all looking for answers to questions that we may never find.

Lets enjoy the ride and stop being so damn materialistic. Even i’m guilty of that at times.

Hand Written Letters

Sending letters between loved ones is something that I’ve always thought of as one of the most romantic ways to show someone you care about that they’re still with you. Even if they can’t physically be with you right now.

When my parents were about my age (Early twenties) my mum moved to Turkey for almost a year to work as a nanny for a family over there. Their only points of contact were rare phonecalls and letters. Though I’ve never sent any personal letters like this (hell I haven’t sent any letters in my recent memory fullstop), I think it’s so intimate and shows so much caring for someone.

So yesterday I received a totally unexpected letter, I mean I had no idea. We’d talked about sending letters to each other and how much I’d love that, she’d actually read me a letter that she had wanted to send me. She had decided that it couldn’t really wait and the phonecall at the time was heading in a similar direction anyway so the contents came up.

It was short, sweet, simple. I feel really lucky. 

Snapshot_20130903_9

It feels like a totally new concept for me to have someone in my life that I spend so long thinking about. Times we’ve spent together, how things are now, what the future could hold. Nice things, scary things, beautiful things.

I want someone in my life that I care about, that I think about so often. I want someone that reciprocates the feelings and care that I show for them. I’m anxious and excited about what the future could hold. Though I feel really selfish right now to say it.

She’s everything I want, everything I need. I want to be that for her too. I can be, as well.