I hate

I hate a lot of things, a lot of people too. I more hate that I’m stuck in this pit of hatred for so many things that I have no control over. I hate that we’re not talking. I hate that we’re over just like that, and that we didn’t even have that conversation face to face. Even by phone. I don’t know. I hate that you’re definitely still reading my blog, even though you promised that you wouldn’t.

I wish I understood you. I haven’t changed, as much as I’ve struggled a lot with things lately. I’m the exact same guy, just this is how I am when I’m unhappy. Maybe that is different to what you knew. I’ve never had a more defining moment of being knocked on my arse as our last conversation. I can’t bring myself to message you because I’ll be facing this ugly, hateful person that just isn’t you at all. I’d never met her before. I don’t want to again.

I feel awful for having hurt you, it was never my intention and to be compared the way I was to him is just horrible. I’m not as numb to this as I thought I was. But we’re done, you said it yourself. I still don’t know how to process that. I can’t.

Facial hair for an interview?

So I’ve been pretty heavy lately, a lot of struggling with depression, a lot of focus on negatives. But then I remember there’s ridiculously terrible and awesome things yet for me to discover. One thing I know, there’s a lot more shit to discuss and think about at the very least!

Lets take a step back and think facial hair. What degree of facial hair is acceptable in an office environment?

So I grow pretty poor, arguably patchy facial hair. I generally like to be clean shaven or very neat, I look really young without facial hair though. I mean really young. I’m just debating facial hair or no for my job interview Monday.

I’m obviously wanting to look my sharpest, make the best impression..get the job. Jesus, give me a job that I can spend my time doing and enjoy. Give me a little money so I can be a bit more comfortable. Yeah.

So: facial hair, yes or no? I really can’t decide. I figure neat facial hair is fine, but it feels like a fine line between looking good or shabby. Decisions. Welcome to my inner monologue while trying to avoid thoughts that would merely leave me in a pit of emo.

 

100th post – one of my favourite songs covered and a small update

So I had an awful night, it’s very Emily related. I think things are done, like finished. Over. I guess? I don’t really want to talk about it, I’m kinda numb to it and I think I should just try to move forward and try to grow as a person. I’m really upset and I didn’t want this sort of thing to define my milestone of 100 posts, it has been a weird ride. I wouldn’t say I’ve even made any forward steps over this amount of time. I’ve met some really nice people, and this experience helps me a lot. But progress? Lacking. I’m definitely a work in progress.

I just got myself a spur of the moment haircut, I’d pretty much say to put it simply I now have a Macklemore haircut. I feel very Essex and it isn’t me, but it looks smart, and I think it suits me. Whatever, the beauty is that hair grows eh? But in a suit I’ll be fairly dapper for my interview Monday.

I had a spare 5 minutes to myself so just picked up my guitar and recorded this: I love this song, I can hardly compare to the original but that doesn’t bother me. I guess this song sums up my current mood pretty aptly. Have a great weekend.

Relapse

Relapse. It’s not a word that I like to use. It’s something that I can never say that I’m doing at the time, but something that I can reflect on having done as a chronic fatigue sufferer multiple times, to differing severities.

I’ve reflected upon the last week, I only left my house once. Excluding the garden where i’d only sit for a coffee or talk on the phone for privacy. Like, wow. I didn’t realise until just now, that’s awful and makes me realise how little I do anything at home. Especially so when I feel awful.

Exhaustion for me leads to being in bed until the late afternoon (It’s linked to lack of motivation and struggling with a lot of things, but everything is impacted), this leads to me never sleeping at regular hours, if at all through the night. In a way it’s a good job I’m not working right now, because I wouldn’t cope at all.

Muscle pain is just constant, ibuprofen is like daily meds for me right now. The odd trip to a shop or taking the dog for a walk just murders me for a few days and I feel awful. I think I’m so distracted with what’s going on in my head that physically I don’t even think about things.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve relapsed, but I know my body well enough to see that I’m struggling right now and I’ve taken a few backwards steps.

Chuck

Chuck is one of my favourite ever tv shows, I could rewatch it multiple times. I’ve seen the whole lot twice. It’s not just because I want to steal Yvonne Strahovski away for myself either, but I definitely would. I’ve genuinely cried at times watching it, yeah I’m manly as fuck. It doesn’t really bother me to admit that to you, internet.

If you haven’t seen Chuck, just take my word for it and watch it. It has everything. Action, romance, drama, comedy. Totally mixed bag of awesome.

I realised when rewatching some scenes that there are so many songs used on Chuck that just bring out the perfect emotions and fit so well. Whoever was in charge of the music was brilliant.

Bon Iver – Creature Fear

This makes me want to run away and share this sort of intimate moment waking up holding that special someone. I just love this scene, I love this song too for similar reasons.

If you don’t want major spoilers and intend to watch it, don’t watch the next video!

The final scene of the show. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking. I genuinely got emotional watching it again, wow. I’m really in a weird mood tonight. I’m just such a hopeless romantic, stuff like this totally hits home I guess. They want the little cottage with the picket fence and just…ugh. Yeah. I relate in a lot of ways to the fictional relationship, how weird.

The Head And The Heart – Rivers And Roads

 

 

 

Lazy Sunday

Lazy sunday, I’ve played pokemon, watched football, played a few games. Literally nothing going on, so far from productive.

I guess I feel a little better to see my next article over on Team Dignitas go live (I’ve been waiting well over a week for it to actually be posted). So I’m looking forward to seeing how that’s received. My trial with them should be over too, though the content manager that I chat to about the whole thing hasn’t mentioned a thing. Quite frustrating for me, I got more hits and likes on a single article than I’ve ever seen on one of their posts yet I’m still on a trial period as a guest writer.

Ah well, if they keep avoiding that topic I’ll find someone else to write for and find the valuable exposure that I want. I’ve done myself no harm getting myself out there and having articles shared to around 50k twitter followers and 45k facebook viewers. I shouldn’t complain, this is totally a good thing. It’s a really nice outlet too.

It’s nice to have something that I can put my pride and hard work into, right now it’s the only thing solid that I can show people when they ask about me gaming and I can say: this is what I do, and it’s a lot bigger than you realise.