Sometimes the loneliest place is in your own head.
Upbeat mood, sharing for the first time in months. Just recorded a song I was about to share and..it hit me. well..not me.
Aslan, my cat. A mix of ginger stripes on her pretty much blonde fur just got hit by a car as I was writing my last post. What are the fucking chances. I mean, she was 13 years old, roughly. Had her since I was around 10 years old.
I nagged at my mum until she let me, this local farm had kittens to give away advertised. So we went on this trek across my home town (about an hour walk) to this farm, there were about 6 kittens all there, quite nice and friendly. Then in the corner of this little almost hutch-type area for them, in a little ball of fur standing on end was this little kitten. Spitting and hissing, furious little spitfuck. You know I chose it. I’d have full conversations with this cat and genuinely think she understood me on some level.
She’s my childhood pet, we had a dog but she wasn’t mine. I named her Aslan when I was 10, but i still kinda like the immature 10 year old Callum. He was probably smarter than me too.
But I used to use this place as an outlet, so there it is. I’m absolutely gutted that she’s dead. I told my Dad I didn’t want to see her, he told me enough when he said she was definitely dead on impact of the car. Closed my door and just cried. Just fucking cried about an animal that probably didn’t understand who I was past the guy that gave her all of the attention whenever he could, gave her milk, occasionally fed her and has sporadically been around her all of her life.
There are plenty of puns that even come to me when I’m upset but I can’t even get there considering it just happened.
The fragility of life is such a horrible thing to get my head around.
edit: The lad that hit Aslan was on a motorbike, came and apologised for what had happened. Can’t say fairer than that. Some people can be decent/brave. Good to see I guess.
Yeah I suck at making committments like posting. But i’m back. I don’t even want to think about how long it has been. Where do I start? Ugh I sort of started fitting in with society and being boring. I got a job (that pays like shit don’t even me started on that rant), while currently inevitably searching for a better one and still working my arse off. I met this great girl and we ended up getting together, it has been uhm..I should know that right? Like two months. I don’t know, that sounds right. Probably isn’t. She’s great, but she did just move like 6 hours away a couple weeks ago. You know how to pick them eh Cal?
But that’s pretty much my updates in the smallest of nutshells. Today at work I heard a song called “Anyone else but you” by “The Moldy Peaches” and absolutely fell in love. Everyone reading that will be like: “It’s on Juno you fucking moron where have you been for the last 10 years?” and I have seen Juno, when I was like 13 or something. And since then it clearly evaded my full to the brim of crap brain. So I stumbled across it and had to sit down with a guitar and play a lonely solo version. One that wishes I had a cute girl to duet with and
fall in love with. In my fuckin’ dreams.
I’ll go into more detail. But my biggest reason for coming back is to share a song that has made me genuinely happy. Really bloody happy. I’ll get into more detail about frustrations and (as ever) relationship failures of mine and all of that bullshit that people actually seem to like reading. It does probably make any of you that are still around feel better about your own lives when you get to digest the optimistic failure that I’m playing out on this stupid earth.
But yeah, did you miss me? Ah you missed me. You can’t stay mad at me. I’d say look at my cute face but..anonymity and all..
The fault, dear Brutus is not in our stars, but in ourselves.
If anyone still remembers who I even am, I’m still here. Healthy and the likes. Since I started writing here, I shared my blog url with a few individuals that I hold very close to me. I didn’t think it would leave me feeling like this though. I mean, fuck knows if any of them actually read this. But it started as a place to empty the hate, anger, sorrow, frustration, worries and everything else before my brain overflowed with it all. Now I’m just full of anxiety, feeling the need to almost censor my own head before typing onto this page. I’ve been thinking about writing since I last did, what? Over a month ago. And just..fuck.
I’ve been noting down what I wanted to write about while I have moments to think at work, or when something dawns on me. But this dumb, crippling anxiety just wells over and keeps me holding all of this shit in. It’s exhausting. It’s worse than the feeling that got me to start writing here. Totally fucked.
Right now I’m in the sort of mood where I just swell with a mix of anger and sadness and just want to cry, but I can’t. Nirvana full blast with my eyes closed feels like all I can handle.
The problem that I think I have with sharing my innermost thoughts with people is that sometimes I don’t want to be that open with people, so vulnerable, honest even. I don’t want people to judge me. Nah that’s not it. I don’t want people that mean the most to me to be swayed by my fucked up head.
Didn’t get the job today. A hell of a lot more disappointed than I thought. Utterly shit day. I’m done with it and it’s only 2…Thinking burying my head under my covers and hoping I get a chance to re-do it might happen.
So just to make things clear, I generally didn’t achieve or apply myself at school. I was bored, there was no mental challenge and teachers would call me by my older brother’s name..He was an arsehole at school. So they all hated me, I put in tons of effort into my first few years of high school, got straight A grades and was top of all of my classes. I found zero reward for it so stopped caring, then eventually was too ill to continue with school.
But anyway! I digress, as usual.
I want to learn a foreign language, German! I spent two years “learning” German in school and know nothing of it, my brain is a sieve at the best of times. I spent even longer in school “learning” French, I think it’s a nightmare of mine to be stuck alone in France. Guh!
So yes, German eh? Yes. I actually have German (Or maybe Austrian?!) relatives way down the line on my father’s side. Not 100% sure, my Grandma is way cloudy on most things, never mind her family tree. But also, my favourite American happens to speak fluent German and has had a spell over there. So I feel like she is great motivation to learn?! If that makes any sense at all.
An ex of mine and her mum would speak Welsh together when they were being secretive, bitchy or even the odd time loving and sweet. I found it really intriguing that they had this closeness and such a tight bond I suppose. It wasn’t something I’d really witnessed before. I’d quite like to have that with someone, in a personal sense. Be able to just chat away, be rude about someone, talk about someone behind their back. Silly shit like that. But also to be able to find words that sound more fitting to feelings or thoughts that I want to convey. For all I know they’re just not right in English and I’ll find them in another language. So I better get looking.
I mean, it bothers me that my brain is a sieve and my memory is terrifyingly awful. But maybe it just needs work and I need the motivation that I seem to lack for so many things throughout my life, the present isn’t an exception.
I’m a work in progress, I’m sorry if that bothers you. But look, I’m working on it okay? You know what, fuck that. If it bothers you, you’re not wanting me to succeed and find my much deserved happiness.
So, German. I’m searching online looking for ideas of the best ways to almost self-teach. I mean, I’ll get some help along the way, but this needs to be something that I seek out and just do. Has anyone recently learned a foreign language? How did you do it, any advice, tips or tricks to help me out?! I’d really appreciate it.
So I realise I don’t share a lot of music that I listen to, and it ranges all over the place. Check out some of these tracks over the weekend, you might find something new you like!
Watsky – Sloppy Seconds
“Cold pizza, tie die shirts, broken hearts,
give ’em here, give ’em here”
Rudimental – “Not Giving In” ft. John Newman & Alex Clare
“This time i’m gonna be stronger, I’m not giving in.”
Doddleoddle – Roar – Ukulele cover
“You held me down but I got up, already brushing off the dust”
All Right With Me – Billy Reid
“When you say, “There’s nothing left to say.”
I hear quite a lot”
Ghost Assassin – Maduk ft Veela
“Something dark inside of me, dark familiarity”
Franco Un-American – NOFX
“I wanna move north and be a Canadian or hang down low with the nice Australians”
Hot Venom – Miniature Tigers
“Hot venom is mixin’ with my blood
I can feel it on my fingers and taste it on her tongue
It feels so good to fall in love with you”
It doesn’t matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.