A mixed bag

Back from my trip and I had a mixed bag of good and bad times you could say, the majority awesome.

So after I should have arrived at 3, I actually did at 11:30. A lot of coach problems, missed two tickets that I booked because of traffic and sleeping in. Smooth Callum, but it didn’t bother me. I even carried a girl’s bags for her on the way to the station because she was struggling and headed the same way. I take a lot of pride from still adding to someone else’s day even when mine was fucking awful. I’m a good lad aren’t I?

Rock up and meet two of my great friends at the station and we head for a quiet few drinks. This turns into a few drinks being bought for me, a few more, and then some more. Fast forward to about 7 in the morning and I’m sharing a bed with one of my mates (Just sleeping haha don’t assume) and we’re laughing our arses off both pretty high and content with our night.

In between all of this there was chatting to a 52 year old guy that shared my birthday, meeting this American guy that came back with my friend and she actually gave him a tattoo that said “cwtch” to add to his body of tattoos. A lot of alcohol followed by a few spliffs, pretty content with my night altogether. Unplanned nights always turn out that way for me I swear.

I did plenty of chilling, even some time alone reading in a coffee shop for a few hours while the friend I stayed with was in work and I was waiting for a friend. I was pretty content with everything all in all. We saw some independant films, had more drinks, chatted to the writers and so on. I saw a lot of friends that were around, even if briefly. I wasn’t spread too thin, and it was nice.

I actually found out through Emily’s housemate that she was back Sunday night (which I didn’t know). I got a text from her earlier, we were both pretty excited to see each other. I had written here a letter earlier on and left it on her bedroom table for her when she was back. I hadn’t expected to see her. I was apprehensive and my heart was beating out of my chest, so unsure of how things could go I guess. With good reason.

After maybe 10 minutes of real, genuine happiness that we were with each other again. It’s too soon, or might always just not quite be right I suppose. I don’t really know how it escalated, we were just talking. But long story short I made a typical Callum comment talking myself down, that was taken differently to how I’d intended. I said something not exactly but along the lines of: “I realise that I just get emotionally attached far too quickly, but it isn’t the same for you”. That amongst a few other accidentally hurtful things I said without meaning to ended with me being compared to her ex, who was horrible to her. I left. We’re not talking any more, we’re having proper space.

So we’re not looking at tumblr or blogs, I’m personally going to avoid twitter and facebook, maybe hide her posts at least. No pining, no stalking, no silly shit. We both agreed it was a good idea, maybe for different reasons I guess. The way I’m currently thinking about this is in almost an angry way, that as much as I know she thinks a lot of me: I was a rebound, and slightly used even if not intentionally to help her deal with a break up. There might be slight truths in what I just wrote in anger, but probably not a lot. Either way, it helps me deal with it to view things that way. It feels more realistic too, sadly.

As much as I feel like i’m writing this from an outside view just observing what happened with my weekend: In reality, I left her house that night and just cried and cried and cried. I was staying with my friend, and her housemates (including my ex, awkward.) were back, so I was sharing her bed. It wasn’t weird at all by the way, she’s like the sister I never had! I walked back to her place in the early hours and just explained what had happened and just had a bit of a cry and a cuddle. I’m going to be really cut up for a long time over this.

Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like there is anything for my future with Emily as that part of my life that I want. It’s not because of my feelings or thoughts changing, I’ve just stopped dreaming I think. Things were great, fresh and new. But too new for her. The timing might never be right. I’m heartbroken, I can’t lie. But right now I have a long checklist of things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I need to put the effort into myself in a positive way the same way that I can in a negative way so often. I just need to put my energy towards bettering myself as a person. Until I’m a happy individual, I’m not ready to be happy in a couple if I can’t cope happiness on my own. I’ll accept that eventually.

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