I actually wrote this offline on my laptop on the journey home so that I wasn’t left alone with my thoughts. Wow, I really bring my laptop everywhere and I need to get this out at least. This got really long too, but I needed just to get it out of my system one way or another.
For every winner, there has to be a loser, you could say that in this scenario though, nobody is a winner. There definitely isn’t a winner. I still remain the loser though. My Saturday was the day that my visit took that selfish victory that I’d been feeling away from me though, I’ll get to that after I put the timeline of events together. For just over three days, we were together.
I’m going to name this special girl Emily just for writing purposes, I picked a random name, I figure it saves a little confusion with “she” comments all the time. Emily and I had the embrace that I expected at the station, it was perfect. Never mind how nervous we both were for that moment. It had been coming all summer.
We both confessed a day later that we had been nervous about our chemistry, whether or not the transition from friends to much more than that would be a problem. It wasn’t, at all. In my eyes at least,( I think and hope that she feels the same as me) we fit as well as we always expected to. As a lover, as a companion, as a complete package y’know? It sort of just fit, I guess. I mean, maybe that’s premature to say something like that. But it felt worlds apart from something that I’ve felt in another relationship. Or even just the way that I just feel about another person. I was completely falling head over heels for her.
Saturday rolls around, we drink at one of my best mate’s 21st birthday parties at his place, then all jump In a taxi as a group to go to the local clubs. We’re all real drunk, no exceptions to that one. I’m a total lightweight generally, so I know my limits and stick to them. Anyway, the night goes on. I lose my phone while we mess around dancing like idiots on a dance floor, I didn’t let it bother me. Shit happens, I don’t like to let things that I can’t control any more bother me. Waste of energy (I reclaimed my phone the next day from the club). Emily wanted to help me find it at least and had a little wander / look around.
I bumped into a flatmate from my first year of Uni in the same club’s smoking area, she got talking (I didn’t get a word in, she was so drunk) and she’s not my favourite person but I politely humoured her. I catch up with my group as I see them pass me and make some shitty comment about losing my friends. Surprised me but Emily was really pissed at me about what’d just happened. She put it along the lines of “Do you realise you’ve just been talking to this really attractive girl for the last 10 minutes and I passed you twice?” I explained that it was harmless and so on. It was essentially just the drink talking and exploding jealousy I guess. She didn’t actually remember it the following day.
What was blurted out next came down to the drink letting her speak the truth I guess and it just got on top of her. She didn’t want to hurt me. She’s so sorry, but it’s too soon for her. She’s right too. It’s the right time for me, it isn’t for her. I figure I was being selfish but things had seemed so perfect that this thought had just evaporated in my head. I put on a brave face, I comforted, I told her that I understood, I put her in a taxi home and made sure she had the fare for it and that was that. I was up all night with a mate of mine that I crashed at; obviously all of my stuff was over at Emily’s place.
This lad knows me well enough to know I just needed a shoulder to cry on essentially, we grabbed what we needed on the way back and just headed to his flat. We didn’t sleep at all, we just talked about everything and anything. We were both in an absolute mess really for one reason or another, but I won’t get into it. I shared parts of my blog with him, shared painful history and I learned more about him that night than I ever expected to. I got a couple of hours sleep at maybe 3 in the afternoon because I was still in a bit of a mess and Emily and I needed to talk. We met up, the conversation went similarly to what you’d expect I guess.
She’s just not ready, and that’s okay. I spent the last couple of days of my trip crashing at friends’ houses after I picked all of my stuff up from her place. I think I’m a bit numbed to being hurt by people down to my past, which really fucks me up. I had drinks with my closest friends before I left, had a laugh, said my goodbyes and got to my train (I had to run because I’m fucking dumb and lost track of time).
I sat down on the train and then I cried. For a good solid hour I guess. I hated that I had no music to help me out, my phone was dying and the only stuff I had was just not fitting. I hadn’t realised that I held it together until I had about 30 seconds to myself just to think. For any of my friends this is just so “Callum” to make another relationship mistake I suppose. For me..well, I just can’t take many more of these defeats. Today I’m mainly listening to Nirvana, drinking, smoking, not eating and just holing myself off from the world like I do.
Time and patience are a definite must for my future, one way or another. But the rest is pretty foggy. I’m in the sort of place where things just feel bleak and I don’t want anything, it scares me. Kurt Cobain’s anguish and mental struggles internally and with the world are resonating with me in a way that I never thought I would understand. But yeah, this blog got longer than most essays I wrote in the previous year. That’ll do.
If I don’t get any call from the ideal job that said they’d let me know today some time soon…ugh. That’s just the last thing I need, I just need a win every now and again. Without that little victory my life is just going to continue to feel out of my control entirely.