Some days are hard

It can take only a little thing to ruin my day sometimes, I can run from shadows as long as I like, but it’s dark once a day. Overwhelming darkness enveloping me is just so unavoidable. Some days this feeling is just in the back of my mind, even smiles are attainable. Days like today I verge on breaking into tears if someone just looks at me the wrong way.

My life feels so fragile, and yet so worthless at the same time. I want these feelings to go, I want to get away from these feelings. I’m carrying this stupid, needless weight with me daily and not trying to offload it at all. I can give people advice all day, but dealing with my own problems is too hard.

So for now until I work out the answer to the questions I have in my life, I’ll have to stay with this darkness over me.

Days like this just make me wonder why I’m here, I need to find my own reason. All that I’m aware of now is how painfully lost I am right now.

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9 thoughts on “Some days are hard

  1. Hey, I’m Amber. I have also been depressed for long periods of time, but I found relief through my faith in Christ and the power of God. Are you a person of faith? I would love to tell you more about my experience. I also have a blog here if you wanna check it out, but I’d love to connect with you.

      • Okay- that’s cool! Well pretty much my depression started due to disappointment- I was an over achiever and used to being in the spotlight, but the problem was that I began to feed on that- I was deeply afraid of rejection. I’m not 100% different now, but I’ve learned that being self-indulgent (in my case) fed my depression. And reaching out to others- as well as being reachable really starved the depression. This has gone on for me off and on for almost 10 years- my best years- my formative teen years and the good part of my twenties. I finally just decided that I wanted to change. Will power is a good starting place, but for me it was not enough. I needed a miracle. that’s where Christ came in for me. There were no smoke and mirrors; no goosebumps. What began the change in me is information- revelation really. I began to think about myself in a more healthy way. I understood my identity and released others around me who had disappointed me. There is a lot of re-learning and behavior changes that have to take place and that’s not easier, but I have joy now. I stil feel temped to be depressed during bleak circumstances, but I make a decision not to give in to it- and Jesus is my strength. In that way, I rely on Him to sustain me. I also suffered postpartum.. I understand. Would love to hear your story.

      • I just wrote the longest reply and lost it! lol. Long story short- no prob that you’re not religious. My story is that I was very performance driven- I was fearful of rejection at my core, but would never admit it. So I used circumstances to make myself feel valued- when I was rejected from things and people that I respected, it made me feel rejected and valueless and I tried everything to compensate for that. I settled at empty relationships that provided false hope and temporary acceptance. 12 Years Later, that almost destroyed me. I lost a lot. I learned wrong behaviors and though processes, and not I am un-learning them all. I have been depressed and hanging by a thread as you say. I have had postpartum. I have been suicidal, etc. I am not perfect now, but I decided to choose productivity and life over death and sulking. Jesus is the only way I do this. Willpower would never sustain me. Anyway- that’s me. I’m here but the information that came from the truths in scripture that teach me that I have value irrespective of my relationships or social associations, etc. I love that. I love God for that. That’s what’s available for everyone, including you. You don’t have to do it alone! I’d love to hear your story as well.

      • I’ll likely write a blog in the first few days, once I can sort of place it all together, rather than blurt it all out in a comment. I really appreciate your words and understanding, it’s hugely appreciated. My problem is just multiple things all weighing on me at once and it constantly builds up on me. Thanks for the support, it means a lot to me.

  2. Hey, friend. I’m here for you too if you need me. Don’t let darkness hang over you. Light comes out of the darkness, just remember that. Life is beautiful and you have the power to be happy. Sometimes you just need some help along the way. Let me know if you need anything, okay?

    • Thanks, I really appreciate the support. I guess I started this blog around this timing for a reason. I’ll get my head around things, it’s just slow progress dealing with multiple things at once.

      • Well just let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’m a great listener, and well, I’ve gone through a lot too. I know it feels better to tell someone and not hold it all in. Keep your head up!

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