So I’m thinking of online dating

So i’m thinking of online dating, I’m a 21 year old guy. I’m about 3 months out of my most recent relationship, which ended pretty poorly, but no hard feelings. I want to move forward.

I don’t know anyone where I’m living now, at all. No friend groups, I’m not working yet so no casual interaction with anyone whose eye I might be able to catch, or develop a relationship with. Online dating feels like the logical answer, but the notion terrifies me. Not only that, it makes me feel super lonely.

Is it lame and desperate of me at 21 to want to sign up to dating sites and meet people that way? I just want to find the right girl, you know. I’m also pretty daunted at the options, if i just google online dating I could spend the next fortnight signing upto new websites.

I guess what i’m saying is, please help me out here. Will it be a positive experience? Will it be something I look back on and say:Β “That’s where I found my wife”Β 

Where should I start? Or should I even start?

I mean, beside this I have a daydream of visiting a coffee shop in my town and bumping into the most beautiful, perfect, available girl. I’ll much more likely find a group of retired women and a lovely, but very married woman, with children.

Anyway, what do you think I should do? I need your advice, internet.

38 thoughts on “So I’m thinking of online dating

  1. Pingback: The Confessions of a [Newbie] Online Dater | A Metaphorical Mind

  2. Eh. Um. Yeah. There’s no cookbook explanation about how online dating goes. It’s totally different for everyone. I can definitely give you some pointers. First off, I’ve been doing it for a few months. I’ve been on a shit-ton of first dates and never made it to a second one. But, this is totally expected. You’re on a site talking to many people and for the sole purpose of finding a match. Probability will tell you that you’re likely to run into some bumps in the road. Secondly, don’t pay for online dating unless A) It’s not too much money or B) You’ve got the dough to spend and don’t care. Honestly, I’m glad I never paid for anything because I don’t think those things are worth a dime. Thirdly, do NOT get your hopes up. Honestly, it’s like the saying goes: “Hope for the best, but expect the worst.” Now, some of my dates went fine-I just didn’t feel a connection (which sucks, but it’s life). I had one of the worst dates I’ve ever been on about a month ago and that scarred me for life (and let me tell you, I got my hopes up before that date-never again). The last date I went on was actually terrific, but of course it wasn’t reciprocated. It’s like you can’t win in the dating game. Another pointer that kind of goes along with not getting your hopes up is that I’ve learned who people are online aren’t always who they are in person. Actually, scratch that-they’re never like they are in person. The perception of them being there in person is what’s missing. Sure you can look at a bunch of pictures, talk on the phone, or text, but once you are actually standing in front of that person-feeling their energy and getting a sense of who you are and how you feel when you’re standing in front of them-that’s when you’ll know if there’s any sort of connection. I highly suggest Face Time or Skype before meeting as well. I mean, a lot of people don’t do that, but SORRY NOT SORRY-I refuse to waste a perfectly wonderful afternoon or evening with someone who is so disappointing it ruins my expectations of ever finding anyone at all. Honestly, if you have the want and determination to find someone special, you will. Don’t go searching for it like it’s a penny in a desert, but putting yourself out there with online dating isn’t such a bad thing. It’s a push in the right direction. And who knows, you might even meet your special someone in person, too. Either way, I think your ambition will get you far. Even when the dating Gods kick you off your horse, you gotta dust yourself off and get back the fuck on. Good luck!

    • Thanks for the response! It’s really helpful, I find it super interesting to hear other people’s experiences. I’m trying to figure out the whole “how to show who I am on a page”. Rather than expect my match to appear out of thin air, it’s really difficult. I think you’re right and I should just put myself out there, no time like the present! I’m curious what sort of dates you’ve been on and what you personally found to be either the most comfortable setting to meet up, if I’m not being too intrusive anyway!
      I wasn’t sure how much trial and error would be involved, as naive and ignorant as that sounds! It’s all unknown to me, but I’ll personally stick to free sites. I think the term “Nut up or shut up” applies here.
      Thanks for the advice, keep on doing what you’re doing and don’t let the negative experiences make you prejudge or spoil what could be the best experience of your life around the corner!

      • Haha! Yeah, honestly the hardest part is narrowing your entire persona into a paragraph or two. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point. I always find that guys who write too much in their profile are thinking a little too much when it comes to describing themselves. Your profile is only 50% of the reason someone will choose to message you. The other 50% is your pictures. I mean, not so much looks-wise. I have a very different view on what’s attractive than my other girlfriends. It’s mostly a personal preference for girls. Don’t ever take it personal if someone doesn’t message you back. It has nothing to do with your level of “hotness.” It’s THEIR opinion of attractiveness.

        Okay, so dates. Don’t worry, you’re not being intrusive at all! Honestly, I’m happy to help anyone out because nothing is more awkward or nervewracking then meeting someone for the first time that you’ve been talking to “behind the scenes” for a while. I live just a train ride away from Boston, so one of my dates took place in the city. BUT I’ll never do that again. That just so happened to be the worst date of my existence AND I was stuck on the date for 6 hours because I missed the next train and had to wait for another one. So basically, you want something casual where you can sneak away easily if need me. I’ve done the dinner thing too and honestly I think that’s the most awkward thing in the world. It’s like, “Hey, I don’t know you and I’ve never met you, but lets watch each other eat-try to have a meaningful conversation-and pray that I have nothing in my teeth.” Nope, sorry, doesn’t work for me either. I’d say the best dates have been the ones where we just met up for a drink or two. Nothing calms your nerves more than a drink and I think most people will agree with me on that. It definitely takes a lot of the awkwardness away. I’m not saying get shmammered, but yeah-for me a few whiskey and cokes calm me down just right without taking the class out of me haha. That would definitely be your best bet if you like to sip on a few.
        And thanks for the kind words. I know I’ll find someone eventually. Thank God I’m not on a time crunch haha because honestly I’d be shit out of luck. I’m definitely taking a little break from dating because most of the time while I’m on my date, I’m just wondering what my friends are doing so I think I’ll stick with them. Anything else you need to know or need help with, let me know!

      • Thanks for the kind advice, I really needed it. It’s great to know someone else, if not everyone shares the same feelings about this all. From my experiences either going for a drink with someone can work, and like you say: calms the nerves. I’ve had the most fun few dates where I’ve spent hours getting to know someone over coffee. I find it’s a bit quieter and a little more comfortable, maybe it’s just me. I’m sure your nightmare date wasn’t as bad as some people have experienced! I’m sure I’ll manage to top it, I’ll tell you when I do! I expect my expedition in online dating to be more like a montage of Kramer from Seinfeld’s funniest moments, with constant awkward moments. I’m sure it would look hilarious, if I make any progress with it and end up meeting people then I’ll share my experiences. Anyway, if time with your friends makes you happy right now, who can judge? Just don’t give up and keep yourself open to find someone that fits you.

      • Hahaha! If anyone’s life is an awkward TV show, it’s definitely mine! But you know what the secret is? Everyone is awkward. Everyone just walks around thinking they’re the only ones that are awkward and that just makes them feel even more singular. Don’t worry, we’re all a little weird πŸ™‚ Keep me posted!

      • Oh you’d be surprised. I think you’re right, we all have our top comedy moments that don’t seem so funny at the time haha! The only times I’ve felt like the confident one in a relationship was when I met the most socially awkward girl that to this day I’ve ever met. I’ll be happy to keep you updated if you’re interested in how I do along the way. You’ll have to be in patient! You’re right, we’re all weird, one way or another. My secret is that once you get to know me, you start to realise how weird I can be! I think I balance it with being “cute”, but nobody wants a cute guy! πŸ˜€

      • Haha! Contrary to popular belief about what women want, I truly believe women DO want a cute guy. Wouldn’t the opposite of cute be deushy? Who wants a deushy guy? I guess there are some girls that prefer those guys but THOSE girls have a nickname of their own lol I guess in other words, you’d want a girl who wants a cute guy. They are probably the most kind hearted ones with the best intentions.

        And yes! I love hearing about guys’ dating stories. It makes me remember that you are all human too and you go through similar situations. And someday, I’ll be brave enough to tell you about the date I went on-I honestly think I have most people beat. Not so much “romantic comedy” more like just “comedy.” So if you find yourself in an awful situation, have no fear! Someone is probably suffering with you at that exact moment.

      • I’m just speaking from personal experience when I tell you that a cute guy isn’t what women want, I’ve probably just been knocked by bad relationships I think. It’s definitely not my fault that things went badly, lets put it that way. Far too many girls like assholes, seems too common. Then again, I had the realisation that I’m either attracted to crazy girls or crazy girls are attracted to me..*shrug* Honestly from a little searching I’ve found pretty much only girls talk about dating experiences, so I’m glad that you find it interesting. Hearing girls talk about this sort of stuff takes away a lot of my anxiety towards this sort of scenario I think! A king hearted girl with the best intentions, that sounds good to me πŸ™‚

      • I think you could be on to something! It’s probably a little bit of both-you might just need to change your dating preferences a little bit. I mean, it’s so difficult because the craziest girls are usually smokin’ hot, so it’s kind of hard to say no at first! It’s like telling Eve to put the damn apple down and…well, we all know how that story goes. Put it this way, if you meet a girl that is super hot and seems WAY too good to be true, it probably is AND she’s probably cray. And you’re right in some aspects that girls like assholes. I’ve dated my fair share of assholes but it’s never lasted long enough to count as a real relationship. My last relationship was with a “cute guy” and lasted 3 and a half years. Although it went right down the shitter much like any relationship, it was definitely one of the best and that’s because I didn’t choose an asshole. I think I’m kind of glad that guy hasn’t called me since my date on Friday. He kind of seemed like an asshole. I’ll consider this my warning! And yes, stick with the good girls-they can be hot AND sweet as pie! I need to start rereading my responses to you because I clearly need to take my own advice…

      • I love pie! How about you take these comments and take note. I can’t talk, I give advice and then can’t look after myself. Ignoring my own advice..Trust me when I say I’m not really totally misled and blinded by the “smoking hot” girls, hell. An intelligent, funny girl is always more attractive after about a day of any sort of interaction…generally πŸ™‚

      • haha! will do! I’m gonna take this comments and run with them. And that’s how I feel, too. I’m way more into personality than anything. There’s nothing worse than a good looking guy that can’t take a joke or tell one for that matter!!! It’s such a let down..

      • I wouldn’t know, with just the right amount of dark and handsome paired with my amazing personality. No woman has ever been disappointed…After writing this I always wonder how badly sarcasm comes across on the internet. On reflection…badly. I kinda feel like I’m at home with a certain part of the online community here, in terms of finding genuinely nice people, it’s probably the best little corner of the world!

      • Haha! Yeah, sarcasm can be misconstrued on the internet since there’s no emotion behind what people say. Well, wait, I guess now that we have emoticons it might be a little bit easier to be sarcastic. But usually sarcastic people like myself don’t really give a fuck if people know I’m joking or not πŸ™‚ And I definitely enjoy the community over here. I just started about a week ago. I belong to another blogging community, but it’s in the process of being shut down so a lot of people moved over here. I thought it was going to be a little impersonal since there’s a much larger following on here then my other blog but I find the people with similar interests are kind of awesome. My other blogs have some straight up PSYCHOPATHS on there haha it was actually quite amusing to watch them all argue. I try to imagine how hard they’re hitting their keyboards while typing their angry responses to opinion posts LOL

        And hey! You’re my first international follower! A Brit, huh? I’m 25% British! But it’s the 25% I know nothing about LOL I live about 30 minutes away from Boston Massachusetts. And yes, it’s true, we do have funny accents. But I bet yours would be funny to me too! πŸ™‚

      • Oh mine is all over the place, I’m from the North of England, I’m half Scottish. And on top of that, I’ve spent my last three years in Wales. You probably just couldn’t understand me hah! I’m totally happy to be your first international follower, and equally excited to get reception from across the pond and over other European countries. I’m 100% new to blogging, so you’re way ahead of me πŸ™‚ I was more expecting either the sight of a tumbleweed across my laptop, or plenty of trolls. There’s plenty of time for that, I guess! It must suck to have built up your blog, have content you’re proud of and that you’ve invested time into and find that it’s being shut down. That connection with people across the world, just gone like that?

      • Yeah, it’s really weird because they were supposed to shut down the last day of July but it’s still up and running. There’s word that they raised enough money and are moving everything over to wordpress anyways so it didn’t make a difference if I came here or not. Luckily, my blog is untouched because I’m part of some subgroup of the blog that remained untouched. I have NO idea how any of this works still haha but basically a lot of my blogging friends were on the “outs” portion so I joined them over here. I really enjoy having a public diary. I started back in March when I went through my stupid god awful break-up and I haven’t stopped since. I’ve made so many friends and it’s a reminder that the world still has many good people in it. AND people that are going through the exact same thing I am. It’s therapeutic.

      • I’ve never had a relationship with as long a span as that, so I’ve never had anything as difficult to deal with. I can only begin to understand how hard it must have been. It’s great that you found such a great outlet for your thoughts and feelings and turned a negative into a positive. Wounds heal given enough time πŸ™‚

      • Aw thanks πŸ™‚ Time and the constant reminder of my self worth has helped. I’m totally okay. Of course I have a little void where that person used to be, but I know it’ll be filled someday. I don’t wish a heartbreak on even my worst enemy. I hope you don’t ever have to go through one!

        And hey, I’m always positive! Life is too beautiful to mope around and be miserable. Nobody likes a frowner πŸ™‚

      • I guess we don’t have time to be too down on ourselves, I know I’ve wasted too much of my time so far self loathing and feeling down. It’s still hard not to sometimes, I’m totally guilty of being negative and getting down on myself. I envy you so much for always being positive! Teach me how aha πŸ™‚

      • Haha you can’t teach positivity! You can only learn from yourself. You’re 21 right? I’m 25, wishing every day that I was 21 again. Best. Age. Ever. And time flies by so quickly I just feel like I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and be 30! And I’m definitely not perfect. I can have some really down days but the people around me bring me back up and every day that I’m out and the sun is shining, I can’t help but smile. You just have to believe in yourself. You have to know that there’s big plans for people with big hearts. Sure, the road to happiness isn’t easy. It’s bumpy as fuck, messy, and at times full of pain and suffering. But pain is the inevitable-the suffering is optional. You don’t really have a choice to feel pain but you can choose to either suffer through it or work through it. Without pain, we wouldn’t know how amazing love feels. It’s a sacrifice, but well worth the journey.

      • Without pain, we wouldn’t know how amazing love feels. So perfectly put πŸ™‚ I think 22 is going to be my favourite age, I’ve got a good feeling! 21 is overrated, been a difficult one for me. I miss being a carefree teenager, I totally took it for granted! But I can take solace in the fact that you’re past half way to 50..Couldn’t resist pointing that one out πŸ˜‰
        I’m sure I can learn plenty from someone like you, I think I expected to have things a little better worked out at 21. If anything I just have more questions and still no answers. If happiness was easy to find, the world would be a very different place.

      • Ahh right!? We all take our teens for granted. If I only knew then what I know now…
        I had similar expectations. I remember being in college and thinking I knew where I’d be at 25 and well…I’m here, but not where I thought I’d be. And don’t try to figure out the answers to life’s mysteries. There’s a reason they’re mysteries. Some things are just better left unknown. Just live your life! Be happy. That’s honestly the most important part of life. Instead of worrying about what you’re going to do with your life or where you’ll end up, just be in the “now.” As long as you have your happiness, everything will fall into place. I worried so much about being established by now and having things figured out, but I realized the most important thing is to wake up every day, own it, and love yourself. If you’re happy today, what’s there to worry about tomorrow? I’ve just set small achievable goals for myself and slowly I’m climbing the metaphorical ladder to get to each one and trying not to worry about missing a step along the way. Life’s too short to worry. When you die, what’s it matter what you were doing with your life as long as you were absolutely happy doing it? πŸ™‚

      • You know, you’re absolutely right. I keep losing my way and trying to find it all over again. I need to come back to this comment whenever I feel like that again. I want to travel, I want to see the world. I want to share experiences. Doing even a small amount of that will make me so much happier than I’ve been for a long time. I’m going to make it happen.
        At the end of the day, life’s far too short to have doubts. Better just jump in the deep end.

      • Yes! Travel while you still can! There’s so much to see and if you have the ability to do it then go for it! Haha the closest thing to out of country travel I’ve done is Canada and, well, it’s not that far haha! I’ve done a lot of the east coast and south around here. Europe has been my dream! And yes drop kick Murphy’s is totally from boston haha they play here every saint Patrick’s day LOL

      • I knew it. I think that I have to spend a St Patrick’s day in Boston with the Dropkick Murphys before I die! I’ve only travelled to Holland for a few days, I’ve never even flown. Which sucks, but my family could never afford to travel abroad when I was younger. There are so many places in the world I want to see, that I haven’t decided where I’ll start, it almost isn’t important as long as I start somewhere πŸ™‚ Without leaving your own country you can travel further than I have in my life though, that makes me feel bad…

      • Haha aw don’t feel bad!!!! I’ve only seen Europe in movies and pictures. It looks so amazing. I envy YOU for living in such a cool place. You would love Boston. It’s not as crazy as New York City or LA and Las Vegas, but it’s still pretty awesome. I’m in awe every weekend that I’m there. It’s beautiful! Haha I haven’t even been to California or anything and all the states in between are boring and literally in the middle of nowhere. No loss πŸ™‚

      • Having grown up in such a rural area, so many farms and fields..A lot of places to me are just incredible. I now live maybe an hour away from London, and I love it. Just the fact that I’ve spent plenty of time there and still only seen such a tiny part of it so far. I think I would prefer a little less crazy than the biggest places over in the states, from what I’ve seen on tv or movies anyway! I’m sure there’s plenty of excitement to be found in any of the states..or most of them anyway :p

      • That’s sweet that you’re close to London! Is it true that it’s always rainy in England? I’ve always wanted to know. Haha and absolutely not! If you ever come to the U.S, you HAVE to go to all the craziest places! There’s plenty of rural area along the way to stop at, but no. no. You should really see all of the cities. New York has to be my favorite so far. Literally, it’s the city that never sleeps. And everything is so big and lit up and there’s pizza places EVERYWHERE haha! My next adventure is going to be Las Vegas or a destination island. I’ve always wanted to do Costa Rica or somewhere with a rain forest. My friends and I are planning on doing Vegas next summer. Gambling, dancing, and drinking for a solid 4 days 3 nights. Hell to the yes!

      • It rains plenty, that’s no lie! This summer in Southern England is pretty nice, 20-30 degrees most days lately. Which is pretty nice and unexpected. I think I’d have to make multiple trips to the US to really see anywhere near the amount of places that I want to πŸ™‚ Vegas is definitely one of those places you just have to go to, I’m real jealous of you. Definitely make sure that trip happens, I’m sure you’ll really enjoy it. Gambling, drinking and dancing all together. Potentially the best / most dangerous combinations.

      • Oh totally random, do you happen to know who the Dropkick Muphys are?!? I could swear they’re from Massachusetts. But I could be geographically challenged and confused…

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